ALL THE NEWS
THAT'S KOSHER
1k
£l
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VOL. MMMMMMMMIX
No. 345,456,123
We Deliver
MONDAY, APRIL 1, 1974
V
IFYMUSEE NES PPECALLL76-DNLY
'U'exploits self
University finance czar Wilbur Pierpont yesterday an-
nounced a bevy of tentative stopgap measures to bol-
ster 'U' revenues in the face of snowballing costs, flag-
ging alumni gifts, and students' increasing inability to
pay tuition. The biggest cash coup, said the silk-shirted
Pierpont during a press conference in his office suite
yesterday, is the sale of Burton Towers to the Paper-
mate Pen Corp. Papermate is dropping $56 million on
the 'U' and will paint the venerated belltower to look
like a giant Flair pen. "The'pen people expect great
publicity and ad revenues on this one, grinned Pierpont
between sucks on a fat Havana cigar, "and with all this
money, we might not have to hike tuition again. But
we'll have to wait and see. Times are tough."
Sale of the year
City Administrator SylvesterdMurray announced yester-
day that to pay off Ann Arbor's $.2 million municipal
deficit the city will be sold at public auction later this
week. Items up for sale include Mayor James Stephen-
son's imported Panamanian throne, Police Chief Wal-
ter'Krasny's controversial 2-ton 'narcotics evidence col-
lection'and 380 pounds of french fries given to the Plan-
ning Commission by the McDonald Corporation. Sealed
bids for seats on next year's City Council will also be
accepted at the auction. "There is only one real prob-
lem," Murray said. "The city is only worth about $789.-
000." Other officials seemed less concerned. "I'm really
going to enter a hefty bid for that throne," commented
Councilman William Colburn (R-Third Ward).
H *I
Dope notes
City police reported yesterday the arrest of four per-
sons for alleged shipment of 35 heads of uncut Califor-
nia lettuce in the trunk of their car. Police Chief Walter
Krasny was jubilant at the captur of reputed iceberg
contraband chieftain Elmer "Heads" Hoggenbeck.
"Heads' won't roll in Ann Arbor anymore," chuckled
the chief yesterday. He estimated that the uncut let-
tuce would have brought $25,000 in supermarket sales
and "considerably more" on the streets. nt
Happenings ,0.0
... are topped by today's Hash Bash, slated for noon
In the Diag . .. Biochemistry Prof. J. Sterryle Phyn-
gres will lecture 'on "Melon Balls in the Space Age" at
4 p.m. in Rackham Lecture Hall ... the Ninth Annual
Michigan Sex Conference will convene at noon in the
Union Ballroom and feature workshops entitled "Or-
gasms in the Law," "S and M at U of M?", "Orgasms
and Streaking," and "Dirty Jokes as Repressed Self-
Abuse." The conference continues- tomorrow . . . Presi-
dent Robben Fleming will speak on "Ann Arbor as the
cultural center of the world" at 2 p.m. in Angell Hall
. . . and "The Three Jugglers" from the University's
Office of Financial Analysis will perform at 3 p.m. in
People's Plaza.
Vlets drop one
South Vietnam accidentally exploded its first nuclear
device yesterday, startling seagulls and submerging most
of the Galoshes Islands, a spate of tiny atolls in the
South China Sea. A Saigon government official said the
mishap occurred when a short, bespectacled man drop-
ped his attache case while walking down the main
street of Galoshes City, a CIA post on one of the islands.
Sources say the man was an American, but hospitaliz-
ed base commander Joe "Bananas" McCord declared,
"There aren't any Americans anywhere in Galoshes. I'm
a South Vietnamese."
A2's weather
A high pressure area hovering near Toledo will bring
us clearskies all day. Chances of precipitation will drop
past the zero mark by early morning, and tempera-
tures are expected to drift between 72 and 81 degrees
until dusk. Lows tonight in the 60's, with more of the
same expected for tomorrow.
'I'M NOT A QUITTER'
President
declares
martial
law
'U' grants
tenure to
'Ii Duce'
By GEORGIA MATESKY
In a controversial decision yes-
terday, literary college Executive
Committee appointed Benito Mus-
solini to the University's tenured
chair in Italian 'history.
The roly-poly, diminutive Muist
solini, known as I Duce to his
multitudinous following, has long
been a charismatic figure in the
field. He had no comment yester-
day on his appointment or the fur-
or it raised.
THE MOVE was not well taken
by the department. Grumblings in
Haven Hall corridors could be
heard all the way to the Graduate
Library.
"Why the man hasn't published
anything in the last thirtyyears or
so!" exclaimed a mumbler w h o
asked not to be identified. "Andbt
what he has written is simply
pap."
Another long-time Mussolini op-
ponenttermed the appointment
"backward. The man is a fascist.'
THE DECISION was not with-
out its defenders, however. Ore
member of the clandestine Execu-
tive Committee claimed that Mu-
solini has exceptional aademic tal-
ent.
"I don't think a university in-
terested in high rankings in, the
Italian history field could afford
to pass up Benito. He's a good
disciplinarian and active in public
affairs," the source Said. "H'e'll
start his classes on time."
STUDENT REACTION was mix-
ed. "He might be okay in a lec-
ture," sa'id one long-time profes-
sional, history student, "'but I bet
he's a terror in a seminar." Most
students in the department were
unfamiliar with Mussolini's re-
cord.
There is some question as to
just what role Mussolini will oc-
cupy in the 'department. A copy
of his contract obtained by T h e
Daily calls for his elivering one
lecture a week from the balcony of
Hill Aud.
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Deii Photo by ROWLF "THE PHYNQUE" GOTTLEEBE ~
CA UGH T WIT H PANTS DOWN
By GONZO But the mishap resulted in an apprehensive but ~
Daily Streaking Correspondent unapprehended Fleming losing his facemask, not to
University President Robben Fleming was spot- mention his face, which ended the chase.
ted streaking the Ding yesterday afternooni, in FOLLOWING the unmasking, however, the
what may well have been his most revealing ap- tiken-aback President paused to chat with stu- ~
pearance before the student body here to date. dents on the Diag and did manage a self-effacing ''
Fleming, known for his fashionable attire, sported grin.
tonly Green Goddess salad dressing for body paint Fleig limed he streked to "demntrate
~ ad p pefcems pu toehrfomUie- my wholehearted support for these pioneers of the
sity budget requests to the state legislature, pam- new student consciousness," and urged students to
phlets explaining University residency regulations, "'streak, not strike."
and the minutes of the last Regents' meeting.WhrpnherttdffheDg.
He surprised a small passel of Diag onlookers ~Teepnh rte f h ig
~when his mask fell off as he approached the large A SUSPICIOUS-minded secretary in Fleming's of- ~
"M" in the middle of the square. fice reported yesterday she suspected something ~
THE PRESIDENT narrowly averted capture by might be amiss when Fleming showed up at work
a passing Burns security guard when, thanks to the wearing only rubber thong sandals under his
ice-glazed Diag surface, the guard's flying tackle ankle length coat and mumbled something about
turned into a flying somersault. "unbearable administrative burdens."'
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Nixon claims Senate
vote not def initive
By JOHN REUTER
DEATH VALLEY - Declaration of martial law highlight
td President Nixon's 'final" press conference yesterday. The
conference was televised live by all three major networks
from atop the President's Mt. Whitney fortress.
Nixon said the Senate's 99-0 vote earlier yesterday for
conviction was "not definitive" since Sen. Carl Curtis (R-Neb.)
abstained.
THE NATIONAL GUARD surrounded all major urban areas.
immediately following the broadcast and began phase one
of "Operation Rancor" in which Blacks, Chicanos and other
minority groups will be removed to "Rehabilitation Centers"
now under construction. in Nevada, Utah and Idaho near
several atomic testing sites.
Appearing with his pet boa con-
strictor "Spiro" the President said
the move will make it possible for
"the decent hardworking minority
of Americans to find freedom from
fear of vicious, undesirable ele-
ments."
Nixon was in a jovial mood as he
revealed he "knew all" about
Watergate from the planning stag-
es but that "I've taken far too
much shit on. Watergate already,
and I don't intend to take any
more."
He admitted that the Watergate
tapes had been destroyed last No
vemsber and that they contained
proof of his own guilt in the mat-
ter.
THE PRESIDENT demanded
that he be "forgiven," and t h ant
his administration not be judged
on the 'basis of "one slip-up." He
prmised to do better in the future.
"Above all," Nixon said, "I can-
not allow myself to become a se-
cond-rate power."
Nixon also announced the mass
arrest of all members of the Con-
gress and the Supreme Court as
well as the suspension of the Con-
stitution, at least for the present.
"Two centuries of the Constitution
are two too many," he chuckled.
The President had nou'comment
on his involvement in the recent
deaths of Spiro Agnew, G e r aI d
Ford, H. R. "Bob" Haldeman,
John "blabber-mouth" Dean, John
Mitchell, Maurice Stans, Donald
Segretti, Henry Kissinger, Rose
Mary Woods, John Sirica, L e o
Jaworski, Archibald Cox, Elliot
Richardson and 34 other high-rank-
ing officials and former officials.
The deaths were announced ear-
lier yesterday by the FBI.
THE PRESIDENT conceded,
however, that some FBI agents
might have been "a bit overzeal-
ous" in their attempts to restore
security.
The President said he was "not
a quitter" and that the recent "hy-
steria" was the fault of the Sen-
ate, House of Representatives, Su-
preme Court, Cabinet, State Gov-
ernors, Watergate grand jury, the
press and the American people"
who are all emphasizing the nega-
tive aspects of my administration."
SGC
takes 'new
hard line,
By CARLA MARX
Student Government C o u n c l
President David F a y e last night
went on Cable 3 TV to announce
a series of "tough new measures
designed to 'bring "a semblance,-Of
law and order back to campus."
Faye also declared himself
",president for life," named Bob,
Matthews to the new post of Di-
rector of Internal Security, and
outlined a set of amendments, to
the All-Campus Constitution ban-
ning free speech and reintroducing
the crime of sedition.
"ADMITTEDLY some of these
measures will be seen as too harsh.
but bleeding heart liberals, no
matter how well they mean, some-
times impede the system of jus-
tice," Faye asserted.
"I could take the easy way out,
and be a popular president, but
I will not let a handful of malcon-
tents put legal niceties before
criminal convictions," Faye con-
tinued, the sweat visible on his
upper lip.
y Explaining his decision to name
himself elected for life, Faye not-
ed, "Look, in the last three years
only 31 people have bothered to
vote. Those numbers we always re-
leased were fictitious anyway.
So why go to the trouble of mak-
ing them up and holding mock elec-
tions?"
ONE STUDENT, who begged not
to be identified, "because of what
they might do to my mother and
girlfriend," told The Daily. "Those
guys mean business. Last year
they dragged my roommate away
in the middle -of the night and I
never saw him again."
In the wake of the move, a new
breed of SGC watchers has grown
See SGC, Page 6
Sixth Ward contestants contribute
to ideological schism engulfing city
By BUZZ BURPEE
Storm clouds gathered over the
city late last night, apparently
threatening to cleanse the stains
of intensive mudslinging by candi-
dates in the Sixth Ward.
The Sixth Ward, created by City
Council last nigth, came as a re-
sult of a GOP-Democtatic agree-
ment to "gerrymander . . . uh,
reapportion" the city more equit-
ably, according to Councilman Wil-
liam Colburn (R-Third Ward) .
RADIATING outward from the
center of town, the ward includes
Edgars
..
Daily offers '7
Editor's note: Over the past few years, The Daily
has irregularly presented a slew of awards for
humanitorian acts that carry forward the image
of that late, great humanitarian, J. Edgar
Hoover. This year's dubious heroes:
I Am Not a Crook: To President Richard
"That would be wrong" Nixon, for achieving
his life time goal of going down in history.
That Old Gang of Mine: To the 20-odd White
House and CREEP figures who have pleaded
guilty or currently face trial on charges stem-
ming from an ill-named "third-rate burglary
attempt.
Youth on the March: To ex-student Govern-
ment President Lee Gill, who called on stu-
dents last September to "rise up and seize
control of our education." SGC has since
accused Gill, who resigned in January, of
rising up and seizing control of nearly $8000
in unauthorized Council funds for personal use.
I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday for a Hamburger
Today: To the University for hiding tuition 24
percent to cover "dire financial uncertainties,"
and winding up with $3.75 million to spare.
Hugh Hefner Women's Liberation: to Athletic
Director Don Canham, for making loud noises
about improving women's athletics at the Big
U, and following it up by announcing plans to
The Spare My Tender Sensibilities Edgar was
won thumbs down by Diamond Jim Stephenson
for promising Third Ward residents to halt the
Packard-Platt shopping center and then saying
"I don't want to talk about it, it still hurts"
when asked why he reneged on his commit-
ment.
The Robert S. McNamara Edgar goes to Tricky
Dick, who brought more systems analysts into
the White House than all his predecessors com-
bined, and wound up with the most slipshod,
crooked administration since .. . since ...
We're-Doing-This-For-Your-Own-Good-Hiroshi
ma Paternalism: to the Regents for last fall's
tuition hike that generated a $3.75 million sur-
plus in the treasury.
The Missing Link Edgar goes to an 18 -min-
ute buzz . . . . .
The Charlie McCarthy Edgar goes to Ronald
Ziegler, who has managed to lip-synch orders
from the country's head honcho and not tangle
his strings.
The Lady Bird Beautification Edgar goes to
city Republicans for McDonald's.
Captain Mark Phillips is clearly the front-
runner for The 1973 Ogden Nash Edgar, for
putting his hoof in his mouth and getting
all buildings over three stories tall.
High in the sky, candidates be-
gan the campaign battle immedi-
ately a f t e r council's decision.
Issues in the three-party race
range from proposals for sweep-
ing change to nuts and bolts con-
cerns of the Sixth Ward's elevated
residents.
Republican Paul Pompous, pres-
ident of Frito Lay, Inc., declares
that the city must "somehow as-
similate the renegade University,"
while Human Rights Party (HRP)
hopeful Rennie Ryeton has based
his campaign on calls for nation-
alization of Bendix Corp.
DEMOCRAT Cathy Chameleon,
munching a non-union stringbean
at her off-campus public appear-
ance, occasionally demands na-
tionalization of the University.
Each of the contestants is at-
tempting to woo the plentiful stu-
dents and pigeons who occupy the
city's high rises. Burning Sixth
Ward gripes include foggy win-
dows, low-flying FBI helicopters,
and crime committed by lower-
level inhabitants.
Taking a hard line on crime
prevention, Pompous has conduct-
ed a vigorous campaign aimed at
beefing up the U.S. Air Force.
"THE SITUATION is out of
hand," he snorts. "Those people
(first through third floor residents)
are bringing all their decadence
up here. Even the window washers
are streaking."
HRP'S Ryeton, an organic
marshmallow farmer, agrees that
upper inhabitants are getting a lot
of flak, but he warns that A i r
Force intervention could inhibit
socialist revolution.
Meanwhile, Chameleon claims
that sherfavors morning streaking,
but after 10 p.m. she might favor
Air Force help.
i
A
Writer's
Cramp
Chameleon
Pompous
By WILLIAM TREMBLE
It was a long time ago.
Back in 1898.
ROTCTprogram not
for bleeding hearts
ABOUT 76 years to be exact.
Horse-drawn carriages flitted around the streets of
Old
Ann Arbor Town.
You could get a shot of rot-gut whisky for two bits at the
Straight Arrow Bar on State Street.
Shoving bamboo shoots under
fingernails and then lighting them
may not be most students' idea of
fun, but most students aren't Mark
Militarsky, and most student aren't
enrolled in Army ROTC.
"I never knew anything about
napalm until I came to the Univer-
sity," comments the enthusiastic
Militarsky, whose short - cropped
haircut reveals a skull which is
polished daily. "And the closest
thing in high school to torture was
dropping toads into vats of acid
and watching them dissolve before
they died."
BUT HERE at the University
"Well ,every once in a while
some bleeding heart will grouse
about my presence on campus, but
our instructors tell us not to wor-
ry. They say the President will
have those people off campus with-
in a year or two. We occasionally
break their legs, just to keep 'em
in line."
MARK ALSO defends ROTC's
academic standards, remarking,
"Who wants to read dumb old
books about philosophers when you
can watch movies of real killers?"
Mirk entered ROTC as a fresh-
person from Buttfunck, Michigan.
THE MICHIGAN Theatre was not showing
before the turn of the century.
It had not been built yet.
Jake "Slim" Trueblood would sit in front
Hotel nearly every day chewing tobacco.
any dirty movies
of the American
HE ALSO spit on the sidewalk a lot.
But horses were the most prominent feature. That did not
endear us to Ypsilanti.
Ypsilanti was down-wind from Old Ann Arbor Town in those
days.
WALKING FROM Ashley to Fourth, you had to look out for
road apples.
There were road apples everywhere for that matter.
The boys in the shoe shine parlors made a good living at
good honest work.