ALL THE NEWS THAT'S KOSHER 1k £l -9k 1k VOL. MMMMMMMMIX No. 345,456,123 We Deliver MONDAY, APRIL 1, 1974 V IFYMUSEE NES PPECALLL76-DNLY 'U'exploits self University finance czar Wilbur Pierpont yesterday an- nounced a bevy of tentative stopgap measures to bol- ster 'U' revenues in the face of snowballing costs, flag- ging alumni gifts, and students' increasing inability to pay tuition. The biggest cash coup, said the silk-shirted Pierpont during a press conference in his office suite yesterday, is the sale of Burton Towers to the Paper- mate Pen Corp. Papermate is dropping $56 million on the 'U' and will paint the venerated belltower to look like a giant Flair pen. "The'pen people expect great publicity and ad revenues on this one, grinned Pierpont between sucks on a fat Havana cigar, "and with all this money, we might not have to hike tuition again. But we'll have to wait and see. Times are tough." Sale of the year City Administrator SylvesterdMurray announced yester- day that to pay off Ann Arbor's $.2 million municipal deficit the city will be sold at public auction later this week. Items up for sale include Mayor James Stephen- son's imported Panamanian throne, Police Chief Wal- ter'Krasny's controversial 2-ton 'narcotics evidence col- lection'and 380 pounds of french fries given to the Plan- ning Commission by the McDonald Corporation. Sealed bids for seats on next year's City Council will also be accepted at the auction. "There is only one real prob- lem," Murray said. "The city is only worth about $789.- 000." Other officials seemed less concerned. "I'm really going to enter a hefty bid for that throne," commented Councilman William Colburn (R-Third Ward). H *I Dope notes City police reported yesterday the arrest of four per- sons for alleged shipment of 35 heads of uncut Califor- nia lettuce in the trunk of their car. Police Chief Walter Krasny was jubilant at the captur of reputed iceberg contraband chieftain Elmer "Heads" Hoggenbeck. "Heads' won't roll in Ann Arbor anymore," chuckled the chief yesterday. He estimated that the uncut let- tuce would have brought $25,000 in supermarket sales and "considerably more" on the streets. nt Happenings ,0.0 ... are topped by today's Hash Bash, slated for noon In the Diag . .. Biochemistry Prof. J. Sterryle Phyn- gres will lecture 'on "Melon Balls in the Space Age" at 4 p.m. in Rackham Lecture Hall ... the Ninth Annual Michigan Sex Conference will convene at noon in the Union Ballroom and feature workshops entitled "Or- gasms in the Law," "S and M at U of M?", "Orgasms and Streaking," and "Dirty Jokes as Repressed Self- Abuse." The conference continues- tomorrow . . . Presi- dent Robben Fleming will speak on "Ann Arbor as the cultural center of the world" at 2 p.m. in Angell Hall . . . and "The Three Jugglers" from the University's Office of Financial Analysis will perform at 3 p.m. in People's Plaza. Vlets drop one South Vietnam accidentally exploded its first nuclear device yesterday, startling seagulls and submerging most of the Galoshes Islands, a spate of tiny atolls in the South China Sea. A Saigon government official said the mishap occurred when a short, bespectacled man drop- ped his attache case while walking down the main street of Galoshes City, a CIA post on one of the islands. Sources say the man was an American, but hospitaliz- ed base commander Joe "Bananas" McCord declared, "There aren't any Americans anywhere in Galoshes. I'm a South Vietnamese." A2's weather A high pressure area hovering near Toledo will bring us clearskies all day. Chances of precipitation will drop past the zero mark by early morning, and tempera- tures are expected to drift between 72 and 81 degrees until dusk. Lows tonight in the 60's, with more of the same expected for tomorrow. 'I'M NOT A QUITTER' President declares martial law 'U' grants tenure to 'Ii Duce' By GEORGIA MATESKY In a controversial decision yes- terday, literary college Executive Committee appointed Benito Mus- solini to the University's tenured chair in Italian 'history. The roly-poly, diminutive Muist solini, known as I Duce to his multitudinous following, has long been a charismatic figure in the field. He had no comment yester- day on his appointment or the fur- or it raised. THE MOVE was not well taken by the department. Grumblings in Haven Hall corridors could be heard all the way to the Graduate Library. "Why the man hasn't published anything in the last thirtyyears or so!" exclaimed a mumbler w h o asked not to be identified. "Andbt what he has written is simply pap." Another long-time Mussolini op- ponenttermed the appointment "backward. The man is a fascist.' THE DECISION was not with- out its defenders, however. Ore member of the clandestine Execu- tive Committee claimed that Mu- solini has exceptional aademic tal- ent. "I don't think a university in- terested in high rankings in, the Italian history field could afford to pass up Benito. He's a good disciplinarian and active in public affairs," the source Said. "H'e'll start his classes on time." STUDENT REACTION was mix- ed. "He might be okay in a lec- ture," sa'id one long-time profes- sional, history student, "'but I bet he's a terror in a seminar." Most students in the department were unfamiliar with Mussolini's re- cord. There is some question as to just what role Mussolini will oc- cupy in the 'department. A copy of his contract obtained by T h e Daily calls for his elivering one lecture a week from the balcony of Hill Aud. . >...<: m.: .. .F ..ln ..n .. .d..i .?Z' . .iX7r:"}'.": ..{...V.. 5.~r}Y{":::. . '.GT..fi>. >. ,J ..,.....5".22.:. V....:. :r..e,.V>:?":"":.'V:.. .. ,,..... '::.... .'.'A'..A'.rJJ.L v:J"":}r" :Y .Q :L.. Ar: SrS Y'' Deii Photo by ROWLF "THE PHYNQUE" GOTTLEEBE ~ CA UGH T WIT H PANTS DOWN By GONZO But the mishap resulted in an apprehensive but ~ Daily Streaking Correspondent unapprehended Fleming losing his facemask, not to University President Robben Fleming was spot- mention his face, which ended the chase. ted streaking the Ding yesterday afternooni, in FOLLOWING the unmasking, however, the what may well have been his most revealing ap- tiken-aback President paused to chat with stu- ~ pearance before the student body here to date. dents on the Diag and did manage a self-effacing '' Fleming, known for his fashionable attire, sported grin. tonly Green Goddess salad dressing for body paint Fleig limed he streked to "demntrate ~ ad p pefcems pu toehrfomUie- my wholehearted support for these pioneers of the sity budget requests to the state legislature, pam- new student consciousness," and urged students to phlets explaining University residency regulations, "'streak, not strike." and the minutes of the last Regents' meeting.WhrpnherttdffheDg. He surprised a small passel of Diag onlookers ~Teepnh rte f h ig ~when his mask fell off as he approached the large A SUSPICIOUS-minded secretary in Fleming's of- ~ "M" in the middle of the square. fice reported yesterday she suspected something ~ THE PRESIDENT narrowly averted capture by might be amiss when Fleming showed up at work a passing Burns security guard when, thanks to the wearing only rubber thong sandals under his ice-glazed Diag surface, the guard's flying tackle ankle length coat and mumbled something about turned into a flying somersault. "unbearable administrative burdens."' 5mmeammmumatammwaemmmma mamnassm-aamasimsismsmeasssatmagemem sasiof Nixon claims Senate vote not def initive By JOHN REUTER DEATH VALLEY - Declaration of martial law highlight td President Nixon's 'final" press conference yesterday. The conference was televised live by all three major networks from atop the President's Mt. Whitney fortress. Nixon said the Senate's 99-0 vote earlier yesterday for conviction was "not definitive" since Sen. Carl Curtis (R-Neb.) abstained. THE NATIONAL GUARD surrounded all major urban areas. immediately following the broadcast and began phase one of "Operation Rancor" in which Blacks, Chicanos and other minority groups will be removed to "Rehabilitation Centers" now under construction. in Nevada, Utah and Idaho near several atomic testing sites. Appearing with his pet boa con- strictor "Spiro" the President said the move will make it possible for "the decent hardworking minority of Americans to find freedom from fear of vicious, undesirable ele- ments." Nixon was in a jovial mood as he revealed he "knew all" about Watergate from the planning stag- es but that "I've taken far too much shit on. Watergate already, and I don't intend to take any more." He admitted that the Watergate tapes had been destroyed last No vemsber and that they contained proof of his own guilt in the mat- ter. THE PRESIDENT demanded that he be "forgiven," and t h ant his administration not be judged on the 'basis of "one slip-up." He prmised to do better in the future. "Above all," Nixon said, "I can- not allow myself to become a se- cond-rate power." Nixon also announced the mass arrest of all members of the Con- gress and the Supreme Court as well as the suspension of the Con- stitution, at least for the present. "Two centuries of the Constitution are two too many," he chuckled. The President had nou'comment on his involvement in the recent deaths of Spiro Agnew, G e r aI d Ford, H. R. "Bob" Haldeman, John "blabber-mouth" Dean, John Mitchell, Maurice Stans, Donald Segretti, Henry Kissinger, Rose Mary Woods, John Sirica, L e o Jaworski, Archibald Cox, Elliot Richardson and 34 other high-rank- ing officials and former officials. The deaths were announced ear- lier yesterday by the FBI. THE PRESIDENT conceded, however, that some FBI agents might have been "a bit overzeal- ous" in their attempts to restore security. The President said he was "not a quitter" and that the recent "hy- steria" was the fault of the Sen- ate, House of Representatives, Su- preme Court, Cabinet, State Gov- ernors, Watergate grand jury, the press and the American people" who are all emphasizing the nega- tive aspects of my administration." SGC takes 'new hard line, By CARLA MARX Student Government C o u n c l President David F a y e last night went on Cable 3 TV to announce a series of "tough new measures designed to 'bring "a semblance,-Of law and order back to campus." Faye also declared himself ",president for life," named Bob, Matthews to the new post of Di- rector of Internal Security, and outlined a set of amendments, to the All-Campus Constitution ban- ning free speech and reintroducing the crime of sedition. "ADMITTEDLY some of these measures will be seen as too harsh. but bleeding heart liberals, no matter how well they mean, some- times impede the system of jus- tice," Faye asserted. "I could take the easy way out, and be a popular president, but I will not let a handful of malcon- tents put legal niceties before criminal convictions," Faye con- tinued, the sweat visible on his upper lip. y Explaining his decision to name himself elected for life, Faye not- ed, "Look, in the last three years only 31 people have bothered to vote. Those numbers we always re- leased were fictitious anyway. So why go to the trouble of mak- ing them up and holding mock elec- tions?" ONE STUDENT, who begged not to be identified, "because of what they might do to my mother and girlfriend," told The Daily. "Those guys mean business. Last year they dragged my roommate away in the middle -of the night and I never saw him again." In the wake of the move, a new breed of SGC watchers has grown See SGC, Page 6 Sixth Ward contestants contribute to ideological schism engulfing city By BUZZ BURPEE Storm clouds gathered over the city late last night, apparently threatening to cleanse the stains of intensive mudslinging by candi- dates in the Sixth Ward. The Sixth Ward, created by City Council last nigth, came as a re- sult of a GOP-Democtatic agree- ment to "gerrymander . . . uh, reapportion" the city more equit- ably, according to Councilman Wil- liam Colburn (R-Third Ward) . RADIATING outward from the center of town, the ward includes Edgars .. Daily offers '7 Editor's note: Over the past few years, The Daily has irregularly presented a slew of awards for humanitorian acts that carry forward the image of that late, great humanitarian, J. Edgar Hoover. This year's dubious heroes: I Am Not a Crook: To President Richard "That would be wrong" Nixon, for achieving his life time goal of going down in history. That Old Gang of Mine: To the 20-odd White House and CREEP figures who have pleaded guilty or currently face trial on charges stem- ming from an ill-named "third-rate burglary attempt. Youth on the March: To ex-student Govern- ment President Lee Gill, who called on stu- dents last September to "rise up and seize control of our education." SGC has since accused Gill, who resigned in January, of rising up and seizing control of nearly $8000 in unauthorized Council funds for personal use. I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday for a Hamburger Today: To the University for hiding tuition 24 percent to cover "dire financial uncertainties," and winding up with $3.75 million to spare. Hugh Hefner Women's Liberation: to Athletic Director Don Canham, for making loud noises about improving women's athletics at the Big U, and following it up by announcing plans to The Spare My Tender Sensibilities Edgar was won thumbs down by Diamond Jim Stephenson for promising Third Ward residents to halt the Packard-Platt shopping center and then saying "I don't want to talk about it, it still hurts" when asked why he reneged on his commit- ment. The Robert S. McNamara Edgar goes to Tricky Dick, who brought more systems analysts into the White House than all his predecessors com- bined, and wound up with the most slipshod, crooked administration since .. . since ... We're-Doing-This-For-Your-Own-Good-Hiroshi ma Paternalism: to the Regents for last fall's tuition hike that generated a $3.75 million sur- plus in the treasury. The Missing Link Edgar goes to an 18 -min- ute buzz . . . . . The Charlie McCarthy Edgar goes to Ronald Ziegler, who has managed to lip-synch orders from the country's head honcho and not tangle his strings. The Lady Bird Beautification Edgar goes to city Republicans for McDonald's. Captain Mark Phillips is clearly the front- runner for The 1973 Ogden Nash Edgar, for putting his hoof in his mouth and getting all buildings over three stories tall. High in the sky, candidates be- gan the campaign battle immedi- ately a f t e r council's decision. Issues in the three-party race range from proposals for sweep- ing change to nuts and bolts con- cerns of the Sixth Ward's elevated residents. Republican Paul Pompous, pres- ident of Frito Lay, Inc., declares that the city must "somehow as- similate the renegade University," while Human Rights Party (HRP) hopeful Rennie Ryeton has based his campaign on calls for nation- alization of Bendix Corp. DEMOCRAT Cathy Chameleon, munching a non-union stringbean at her off-campus public appear- ance, occasionally demands na- tionalization of the University. Each of the contestants is at- tempting to woo the plentiful stu- dents and pigeons who occupy the city's high rises. Burning Sixth Ward gripes include foggy win- dows, low-flying FBI helicopters, and crime committed by lower- level inhabitants. Taking a hard line on crime prevention, Pompous has conduct- ed a vigorous campaign aimed at beefing up the U.S. Air Force. "THE SITUATION is out of hand," he snorts. "Those people (first through third floor residents) are bringing all their decadence up here. Even the window washers are streaking." HRP'S Ryeton, an organic marshmallow farmer, agrees that upper inhabitants are getting a lot of flak, but he warns that A i r Force intervention could inhibit socialist revolution. Meanwhile, Chameleon claims that sherfavors morning streaking, but after 10 p.m. she might favor Air Force help. i A Writer's Cramp Chameleon Pompous By WILLIAM TREMBLE It was a long time ago. Back in 1898. ROTCTprogram not for bleeding hearts ABOUT 76 years to be exact. Horse-drawn carriages flitted around the streets of Old Ann Arbor Town. You could get a shot of rot-gut whisky for two bits at the Straight Arrow Bar on State Street. Shoving bamboo shoots under fingernails and then lighting them may not be most students' idea of fun, but most students aren't Mark Militarsky, and most student aren't enrolled in Army ROTC. "I never knew anything about napalm until I came to the Univer- sity," comments the enthusiastic Militarsky, whose short - cropped haircut reveals a skull which is polished daily. "And the closest thing in high school to torture was dropping toads into vats of acid and watching them dissolve before they died." BUT HERE at the University "Well ,every once in a while some bleeding heart will grouse about my presence on campus, but our instructors tell us not to wor- ry. They say the President will have those people off campus with- in a year or two. We occasionally break their legs, just to keep 'em in line." MARK ALSO defends ROTC's academic standards, remarking, "Who wants to read dumb old books about philosophers when you can watch movies of real killers?" Mirk entered ROTC as a fresh- person from Buttfunck, Michigan. THE MICHIGAN Theatre was not showing before the turn of the century. It had not been built yet. Jake "Slim" Trueblood would sit in front Hotel nearly every day chewing tobacco. any dirty movies of the American HE ALSO spit on the sidewalk a lot. But horses were the most prominent feature. That did not endear us to Ypsilanti. Ypsilanti was down-wind from Old Ann Arbor Town in those days. WALKING FROM Ashley to Fourth, you had to look out for road apples. There were road apples everywhere for that matter. The boys in the shoe shine parlors made a good living at good honest work.