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'All the trash that fits'
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Ann Arbor, Michigan-Tuesday, April 1, 1975
FG-SEE t&MM WS APPECALL-tMDy
Bamboo Productions has signed Vice President
for Academic Affairs Frank H.T. (Dusty) Rhodes
to do a 30-stop rock concert tour starting April
17th in Madison Square Garden. The little man
from Brooklyn, New York, who made it big im-
personating a University administrator with a fake
British accent, will also appear at Crisler Arena
at a later unspecified date. The tour will culminate
at Pinewood Studios outside London, where Rhodes
will couple his talents with Roger Moore in a
remake of the James Bond classic Goldfinger.
When asked to comment on the contract, the teen-
age idol crooned, "I ain't got no comment, manl."
Even Ste phan
Stephan, of Stephan's Market fame, has been
given this year's Community Service Award for
having the lowest prices and friendliest service in
town. Famous for his deep concern for n'~e welfare
of Ann Arbor consumers, Stephan accepted his
award with humility. "I try to do the best I can,"
he said, "and students are always welcome in my
store, even if only to sip a cup of my delicious,
home-grown blend Peruvian coffee." Stephan also
made a surprise announcement that all shop-
lifters will no longer be prosecuted, but will be
required to eat three of his bagels in a fiveaminute
The Business School has broken years of pre-
cedent by embracing socialism. "Capitalism is a
total failure," said Dean Floyd Bonds, who has
taken a second job bussing trays at the Union
Station. "It's time we faced up to it. I'm sick and
embarrassed at the thirty years I've spent per-
petuating this unjust, wicked system, but it's never
too late to mend your ways." Bonds also revealed
that Profs. Paul McCracken and Ross Wilhelm
have quit their posts and are now organizing mi-
grant farm laborers in Southern California.
Sources close to the Vatican yesterday disclosed
that the Pope has a 51 per cent interest in the
.Blue Front. y As a popular source of Ann Arbor
reading material, the Blue Front has for many
years provided cultural enlightenment to thousands
of local residents. "It's been a very profitable
venture for us," said Monseigneur Carlo Pepperoni
while shoving his hands in his pockets. "We'd buy
the whole thing if they were willing to sell."
Sources also indicated that the Pope has taken an
option on the film rights to "Lady Chatterly' s
Throat," which will be released some time next
Happenings .. .
are simply bodacious today, as usual..
Newspaper editor George DePue will lecture on
"The Imperialist, war-mongering kept journalists
of the bourgeois press, and their running dogs" at
noon today in the dining room of the Gandy
Dancer. It's strictly bring your own olives, though
-... football honcho Bo' Schembechler has a slide
show on "Drugs and permissiveness-the secret of
my success" at 4 in Hill Auditorium, free...
University Residence Hall food service director
Lynford Tubbs makes his broadcast debut on
"Cooking with Starches" at 5:30 on channel 4, re-
placing "Bowling for Dollars" . . . William Mc-
Kinley, president of McKinley Associates, will
give a lecture today on "Furnishing your summer
sublet with taste and poise," at 7:30 in the Archi-
tecture and Design Auditorium ... and Lee Gill,
former SGC president, will lecture on "Ethics in
politics" at the Law Quad Library at 11:30 p.m.
Luck of the Jewish
As a compromise between Warring factions in
Northern Ireland, the government there has pro-
claimed that the offical state religion will now be
Judiasm. Protestant leader Rev. Ian Paisley hailed
the agreement as "the only possible compromise
in a difficult situation," and proceeded to lead a
march of 5,000 cheering Orangemen in three
choruses "Mein Yiddische Mama." Splinter groups
are already organizing, however, into Orthodox and
Reformed factions, and renewed fighting has al-
ready broken out in working-class sections of Bel-
fast and Londonderry.
On the inside ..
. Arts Page once and for all explains the
relevance of greogorian chants in dormitory ro-
mantic interludes . . . Sports Page has all the
latest dope on shinty, fourth-division Mexican
soccer, and 43-man squamish . . . Edit Page has
an expose on Gerald Ford's hold-credit for an
overdue reserve comic book at the Grad Library.
On the outside ...
By MOORE HOUSING states, "If
The Housing Office has announced over ours
plans to purchase Michigan Stadium to they're cr
alleviate the University's crying need reputation
for more student housing. A modern, formances
five-level cardboard structure will be do will ta
erected on what is now the football Siding w
field. Bo "Boor
"It's a well thought-out proposal," says, "I'v
says Housing Director John "Lottery" the Housi
Feldkamp. "Each student will get his there deci
or her own spacious five-foot by six-foot Feldkam
living area and anything else they de- stadium p
serve. Parents will no longer have to marks, "A
worry." gether on'
UNIVERSITY Athletic Director Don know wha
"Killer" Canham, who opposes the plan, convince t
those guys think they can take
stadium to build a dormitory,
azy. This University bases its
totally on fine athletic per-
. What those nuts propose to
ke that all away."
with Canham is football coach
m-Boom" Schembechler, who
e got my men ready to storm
ig Office if the clowns over
de to press the issue."
np is certain, though, that the
lan will be accepted. He re-
We might not have had it to-
the dorm thing, but I think we
at we're doing now. Once we
he Regents this is a good idea,
all we have to do is get the $
from HUD. They've been playi
with those funds for years."
IE ADDS, "This means th
tery just completed wasn'ti
The feeling over here was tha
In its quest for additiona
housing, the Housing Office ha
quested that University Presid
in' " Robben Fleming give up
Comments Feldkamp, "He m
fond of the suggestion, but wi
arm-twisting I'm sure we can
come over to our side."
In other action yesterday,
5.6 million announced that a special "food lottery"
ng around will be held in each of the present
dorms, to determine which students will
at the lot- eat.
necessary. "I THINK it's a viable and practical
t it was a method," beamed Feldkamp in describ-
ing the new lottery. We just can't hack
al student these damn prices anymore. Besides,
s also re- this is a college, not a Howard Johnson's.
ent "Rock- Each dormitory will have its lottery
his home. on the first meal day of each month. Odd
wasn't too numbered lottery places will eat on odd
th a little numbered days while even numbered
get him to lottery spaces would eat only on the
even days. Exceptions occur on the 31st
Feldkamp of each month-when nobody eats.
'Each student will have
his or her own spaci-
os fie - foot by six -
foot living area.
' brass reject no-tenureofe
By J.F. terHORSE
sional committee has begin an
investigation into a possiblv
legal $2 million tax de uct ion
claimed by President Foci for
the donation of his brain to the
University of Michigan Medic,,]
Ford's brain, which has been b
displayed at the University since
the president lost it in a foo~t-
ball scrimmage in the 193js,
was officially given to the s yttd- gy
ical facility one day after Ford
nominated U-M President Rob--
ben Fleming to be Secretary of
Agriculture c z a r Flemning,. ' "
reached at his official planta- i:.a:
tion residence in Georgia, do-
fended the President's 'Jonat;on
asalgtmt."fe lFleming said, sipping a mint:<
julep, "any man who could rise
brain and graduating from the Daily Photo by K~enneth Sue Kosbender
University of Michigan to bhe- THE PRESIDENT'S brain, which has been on display at the University since he lost it in a
come President of the ton e- football scrimmage in the 1930's. A Congressional committee has just begun an investigation into
States, should be entitled to a a possibly illegal $2 million tax deduction claimed by Ford for a donation of the brain to the
little favor." University Medical School.
Fleming won't accept
Slippery Rock post
By BIJOU COBB
The Daily learned late
last night that both Uni-
versity President "Rockin"
Robben Fleming and Vice
President for Academic Af-
fairs H. T. "Dusty" Rhodes
have rejected a two year,
no-tenure contract at the
Slippery Rock J u n i o r
Teachers' College in Ogall-
But sources close to the
Board of Governors at the
College categorically deny
that the contract offer had,
anything to do with a simi-
lar offere made by the dar-
ing duo to a candidate for
the literary college (LSA)
deanship last January.
HOWEVER, one source close
to the Governors admitted that
"the similarity is almost ines-
Fleming, furious over the of-
fer, was reported to have ex-
claimed, "You can't make an
offer like that to me-I'm a
white, anglo-saxon, protestant
male. You have to come up
with something better than
With that snide remark, the
Board offered a similar con-
tract to Rhodes - one year, no-
tenure - to be Fleming's per-
RHODES, humiliated and
stuttering, said in his not so
scolarly Oxford accent, "I
would rather sell the Ann Arbor
Sun on Main Street than be
Fleming, saddened t h a t
Rhodes refused to accept the
offer, remarked, "Come on
Frankie, it wouldn't be that
bad. We have always been
pals, especially when it comes
to affirmative inaction - ac-
cept the offer and let's get back
to Ann Arbor." Rhodes stub-
bornly refused and the two flew
back to the University campus.
Upset at the Regents for "not
backing me up," Fleming
shouted, "I'm gonna increase
minority enrollment to SO per
cent. That'll teach you. The
next time I'm in trouble, you'd
better come to my rescue."
ROTC aircraft s trafe
By SLY HERSH
ROTC (Reserve Officers Training Corps) air-
craft bombed and strafed the University campus
yesterday after last-ditch efforts failed to rein-
state literary college (LSA) credit for the pro-
Approximately 10,000 students and faculty were
killed in the attack, which focused on the Diag
and on the dormitories in the "hill" area (Alice
Lloyd, Mosher Jordan, Markley and Stockweli).
110 STUDENTS were reportedly corralled into
a corner of the Law Quad and summarily exe-
cuted by ROTC Colonel Kennth "Rusty" Ulster
and several of his students.
"I was guarding about 70 of them when Ulster
came over," recalled a cadet who asked to re-
main anonymous. "He said, 'Waste 'em,5 and I
said, .What?' and he said,'Waste 'em,' so I
fired into the group. "
GEO council votes to can,
new contract, reimburse
The cadet related an incident involving Ulster
and a teenaged boy. "This kid went over to
him," the cadet said," and yelled, 'Please don't
kill me. I don't belong here. I'm just a high
school kid from Southfield and I came up here
for the day to see if I want to apply here.'
"ULSTER ASKED him if he planned to join
ROTC," the cadet continued. "The kid said no,
and Ulster said, 'Tough bananas, kid,' and shot
him in the forehead."
The ROTC flag was raised on the Diag at ap-
proximately five p.m.
"I question the ethics of this tactic," comment-
ed Literary College Government (LCG) President
Mark Pyrite. "It clearly shows that ROTC should
not be on this campus."
UNIVERSITY President Robben Fleming could
not be reached for comment last night. Informed
sources report that he is recon-
sidering the possibiilty that he
C l ""would accept the presidency of
c lthe University of California
should it be offered him.
U ' Ulster was heard to comment
yesterday, "I guess now we're
the ones who decide what gets
meeting, "the credit and what doesn't."
away from the
I can do now All available beds and floor
keep this from space at the University Hos-
pital are occupied by wounded,
in the Philoso- who numbered about 12,000. Act-
s cave in the ing hospital director Mick Dick-
ched by phone inson commented last night,
"Oh, my god, the situation is
tting too radi- just unbelievable, unbelievably
graduate em- bad. We're practically out of
rough its first
luit the move- supplies, including pain killers
and we're terribly under-
dded. "I know staffed."
sity said about STATE AND Federal authori-
By STANISLOV ARTERIO
Acting Director of University
Hospital Tricky Dickinson re-
signed yesterday in the face of
a landmark unionization effort
on the part of patients presently
interred within the hospital.
In a surprise move yesterday
patients began refusing medica-
tion and other treatment, claim-
ing that they were "going on
strike" until patient care im-
nie Histimine, strike leader,
cites the low quality of food,
and the unavailability of mor-
phine as their major com-
Histimine, who has been forced
to remain in an iron lung for
the past thirty years due to a
respiratory malfunction, openly
admits that she began spear-
heading the organizational ef-
fort because she was bored.
Those patients striking have
not left the hospital, but have
broken into the pharmacy and
totally depleted the supply of
barbituates, morphine, anipheti-
mines, and placebos.
By 1H. T. "DUSTY" RHODES
The Stewards' Council of the Graduate Em-
ployes' Organization (GEO), citing a ground-
swell of guilt feelings among its members, voted
last night to recommend that the union cancel
their recently-ratified contract with the Univer-
sity and reimburse the administration for all
salary increases they received from the new
"Let's face it," explained GEO mouthpiece
Dave Gordon after the hastily-called meeting,
"We really screwed them over. We got way too
much. I think our members got carried away
with the irresponsible atmosphere of the strike
and now they realize we should have been lis-
tening to the University negotiators all along."
OTHER SOURCES close to the GEO leader-
missed," Kaplan sobbed after the
time and. money the strike took a
administration and the police. All
is pray to God that I can help tok
ever happening again."
KAPLAN, a teaching assistanti
phy department, retreated to hi
Arboretum and could not be reac
for further comment.
"Look, this campus is just ge
cal," said Sandy Silberstein, the
ploye who nurtured the GEO thr
few months last year and then q
ment last summer.
"That's why I retired," she a
now that it was wrong from the1
should have taken what the Univer
By LATERAL WITHDRAWAL
As the one-third mark on his
City Council term passes, Hank
Shortcut (HRP - Second Ward)
continues to remain in a coma,
and sources high in the Human
Rights Party claim chat party
officials are working out a
strategy to replace him on
Shortcut, known in parry cir-
cles as "The Court Jester," was
stricken during the first week
of his Council term with a rare,
persistent strain of the 'seue
anklonemesis, commonly known
ership is examining the feasi-
bility of a Constitutional amend-
ment which would redefine
"physical incapacity" as a i ea-
son for an official's withdrawal
from political office.
A COALITION of City Coun-
cil Republicans and Democrats
voted last month that Shotcut
could not withdraw from office
because "his capacities do nc
seem to have been appre viably
diminished" by his illness.
"Those constitutional amend-
ment rumors are false," assert-