NIXON FOR PRESIDENT See Editorial Page C j 4c 'All the trash that fits' ~~ait DOOMSDAY High-unthinkable Low-absolute zero See Today for details Ann Arbor, Michigan-Tuesday, April 1, 1975 Page Ten I1 FG-SEE t&MM WS APPECALL-tMDy Goldsinger Bamboo Productions has signed Vice President for Academic Affairs Frank H.T. (Dusty) Rhodes to do a 30-stop rock concert tour starting April 17th in Madison Square Garden. The little man from Brooklyn, New York, who made it big im- personating a University administrator with a fake British accent, will also appear at Crisler Arena at a later unspecified date. The tour will culminate at Pinewood Studios outside London, where Rhodes will couple his talents with Roger Moore in a remake of the James Bond classic Goldfinger. When asked to comment on the contract, the teen- age idol crooned, "I ain't got no comment, manl." Even Ste phan Stephan, of Stephan's Market fame, has been given this year's Community Service Award for having the lowest prices and friendliest service in town. Famous for his deep concern for n'~e welfare of Ann Arbor consumers, Stephan accepted his award with humility. "I try to do the best I can," he said, "and students are always welcome in my store, even if only to sip a cup of my delicious, home-grown blend Peruvian coffee." Stephan also made a surprise announcement that all shop- lifters will no longer be prosecuted, but will be required to eat three of his bagels in a fiveaminute period. Capitalists confess The Business School has broken years of pre- cedent by embracing socialism. "Capitalism is a total failure," said Dean Floyd Bonds, who has taken a second job bussing trays at the Union Station. "It's time we faced up to it. I'm sick and embarrassed at the thirty years I've spent per- petuating this unjust, wicked system, but it's never too late to mend your ways." Bonds also revealed that Profs. Paul McCracken and Ross Wilhelm have quit their posts and are now organizing mi- grant farm laborers in Southern California. Vatican rags Sources close to the Vatican yesterday disclosed that the Pope has a 51 per cent interest in the .Blue Front. y As a popular source of Ann Arbor reading material, the Blue Front has for many years provided cultural enlightenment to thousands of local residents. "It's been a very profitable venture for us," said Monseigneur Carlo Pepperoni while shoving his hands in his pockets. "We'd buy the whole thing if they were willing to sell." Sources also indicated that the Pope has taken an option on the film rights to "Lady Chatterly' s Throat," which will be released some time next year. Happenings .. . are simply bodacious today, as usual.. Newspaper editor George DePue will lecture on "The Imperialist, war-mongering kept journalists of the bourgeois press, and their running dogs" at noon today in the dining room of the Gandy Dancer. It's strictly bring your own olives, though -... football honcho Bo' Schembechler has a slide show on "Drugs and permissiveness-the secret of my success" at 4 in Hill Auditorium, free... University Residence Hall food service director Lynford Tubbs makes his broadcast debut on "Cooking with Starches" at 5:30 on channel 4, re- placing "Bowling for Dollars" . . . William Mc- Kinley, president of McKinley Associates, will give a lecture today on "Furnishing your summer sublet with taste and poise," at 7:30 in the Archi- tecture and Design Auditorium ... and Lee Gill, former SGC president, will lecture on "Ethics in politics" at the Law Quad Library at 11:30 p.m. Luck of the Jewish As a compromise between Warring factions in Northern Ireland, the government there has pro- claimed that the offical state religion will now be Judiasm. Protestant leader Rev. Ian Paisley hailed the agreement as "the only possible compromise in a difficult situation," and proceeded to lead a march of 5,000 cheering Orangemen in three choruses "Mein Yiddische Mama." Splinter groups are already organizing, however, into Orthodox and Reformed factions, and renewed fighting has al- ready broken out in working-class sections of Bel- fast and Londonderry. On the inside .. . Arts Page once and for all explains the relevance of greogorian chants in dormitory ro- mantic interludes . . . Sports Page has all the latest dope on shinty, fourth-division Mexican soccer, and 43-man squamish . . . Edit Page has an expose on Gerald Ford's hold-credit for an overdue reserve comic book at the Grad Library. On the outside ... Stadium By MOORE HOUSING states, "If The Housing Office has announced over ours plans to purchase Michigan Stadium to they're cr alleviate the University's crying need reputation for more student housing. A modern, formances five-level cardboard structure will be do will ta erected on what is now the football Siding w field. Bo "Boor "It's a well thought-out proposal," says, "I'v says Housing Director John "Lottery" the Housi Feldkamp. "Each student will get his there deci or her own spacious five-foot by six-foot Feldkam living area and anything else they de- stadium p serve. Parents will no longer have to marks, "A worry." gether on' UNIVERSITY Athletic Director Don know wha "Killer" Canham, who opposes the plan, convince t to those guys think they can take stadium to build a dormitory, azy. This University bases its totally on fine athletic per- . What those nuts propose to ke that all away." with Canham is football coach m-Boom" Schembechler, who e got my men ready to storm ig Office if the clowns over de to press the issue." np is certain, though, that the lan will be accepted. He re- We might not have had it to- the dorm thing, but I think we at we're doing now. Once we he Regents this is a good idea, use all we have to do is get the $ from HUD. They've been playi with those funds for years." IE ADDS, "This means th tery just completed wasn'ti The feeling over here was tha joke anyway.." In its quest for additiona housing, the Housing Office ha quested that University Presid in' " Robben Fleming give up Comments Feldkamp, "He m fond of the suggestion, but wi arm-twisting I'm sure we can come over to our side." In other action yesterday, lotteryl( 5.6 million announced that a special "food lottery" ng around will be held in each of the present dorms, to determine which students will at the lot- eat. necessary. "I THINK it's a viable and practical t it was a method," beamed Feldkamp in describ- ing the new lottery. We just can't hack al student these damn prices anymore. Besides, s also re- this is a college, not a Howard Johnson's. ent "Rock- Each dormitory will have its lottery his home. on the first meal day of each month. Odd wasn't too numbered lottery places will eat on odd th a little numbered days while even numbered get him to lottery spaces would eat only on the even days. Exceptions occur on the 31st Feldkamp of each month-when nobody eats. )sers 'Each student will have his or her own spaci- os fie - foot by six - foot living area. -Joh nFeldkamp ' brass reject no-tenureofe Ford's.. { brain e: donation By J.F. terHORSE WASHINGTON-ANA ongr-s sional committee has begin an investigation into a possiblv legal $2 million tax de uct ion claimed by President Foci for the donation of his brain to the University of Michigan Medic,,] School. Ford's brain, which has been b displayed at the University since the president lost it in a foo~t- ball scrimmage in the 193js, was officially given to the s yttd- gy ical facility one day after Ford nominated U-M President Rob-- ben Fleming to be Secretary of Agriculture.v Agriculture c z a r Flemning,. ' " reached at his official planta- i:.a: tion residence in Georgia, do- fended the President's 'Jonat;on asalgtmt."fe lFleming said, sipping a mint:< julep, "any man who could rise brain and graduating from the Daily Photo by K~enneth Sue Kosbender University of Michigan to bhe- THE PRESIDENT'S brain, which has been on display at the University since he lost it in a come President of the ton e- football scrimmage in the 1930's. A Congressional committee has just begun an investigation into States, should be entitled to a a possibly illegal $2 million tax deduction claimed by Ford for a donation of the brain to the little favor." University Medical School. Fleming won't accept Slippery Rock post z By BIJOU COBB The Daily learned late last night that both Uni- versity President "Rockin" Robben Fleming and Vice President for Academic Af- fairs H. T. "Dusty" Rhodes have rejected a two year, no-tenure contract at the Slippery Rock J u n i o r Teachers' College in Ogall- ala, Nebraska. But sources close to the Board of Governors at the College categorically deny that the contract offer had, anything to do with a simi- lar offere made by the dar- ing duo to a candidate for the literary college (LSA) deanship last January. HOWEVER, one source close to the Governors admitted that "the similarity is almost ines- capable." Fleming, furious over the of- fer, was reported to have ex- claimed, "You can't make an offer like that to me-I'm a white, anglo-saxon, protestant male. You have to come up with something better than that." With that snide remark, the Board offered a similar con- tract to Rhodes - one year, no- tenure - to be Fleming's per- sonal butler. RHODES, humiliated and stuttering, said in his not so scolarly Oxford accent, "I would rather sell the Ann Arbor Sun on Main Street than be Robben's lackey." Fleming, saddened t h a t Rhodes refused to accept the offer, remarked, "Come on Frankie, it wouldn't be that bad. We have always been pals, especially when it comes to affirmative inaction - ac- cept the offer and let's get back to Ann Arbor." Rhodes stub- bornly refused and the two flew back to the University campus. Upset at the Regents for "not backing me up," Fleming shouted, "I'm gonna increase minority enrollment to SO per cent. That'll teach you. The next time I'm in trouble, you'd better come to my rescue." Fleming 10,000 DEAD: ROTC aircraft s trafe P'U, By SLY HERSH ROTC (Reserve Officers Training Corps) air- craft bombed and strafed the University campus yesterday after last-ditch efforts failed to rein- state literary college (LSA) credit for the pro- gram's courses. Approximately 10,000 students and faculty were killed in the attack, which focused on the Diag and on the dormitories in the "hill" area (Alice Lloyd, Mosher Jordan, Markley and Stockweli). 110 STUDENTS were reportedly corralled into a corner of the Law Quad and summarily exe- cuted by ROTC Colonel Kennth "Rusty" Ulster and several of his students. "I was guarding about 70 of them when Ulster came over," recalled a cadet who asked to re- main anonymous. "He said, 'Waste 'em,5 and I said, .What?' and he said,'Waste 'em,' so I fired into the group. " Ulster GEO council votes to can, new contract, reimburse The cadet related an incident involving Ulster and a teenaged boy. "This kid went over to him," the cadet said," and yelled, 'Please don't kill me. I don't belong here. I'm just a high school kid from Southfield and I came up here for the day to see if I want to apply here.' "ULSTER ASKED him if he planned to join ROTC," the cadet continued. "The kid said no, and Ulster said, 'Tough bananas, kid,' and shot him in the forehead." The ROTC flag was raised on the Diag at ap- proximately five p.m. "I question the ethics of this tactic," comment- ed Literary College Government (LCG) President Mark Pyrite. "It clearly shows that ROTC should not be on this campus." UNIVERSITY President Robben Fleming could not be reached for comment last night. Informed sources report that he is recon- sidering the possibiilty that he C l ""would accept the presidency of c lthe University of California should it be offered him. U ' Ulster was heard to comment yesterday, "I guess now we're the ones who decide what gets meeting, "the credit and what doesn't." away from the I can do now All available beds and floor keep this from space at the University Hos- pital are occupied by wounded, in the Philoso- who numbered about 12,000. Act- s cave in the ing hospital director Mick Dick- ched by phone inson commented last night, "Oh, my god, the situation is tting too radi- just unbelievable, unbelievably graduate em- bad. We're practically out of rough its first luit the move- supplies, including pain killers and we're terribly under- dded. "I know staffed." beginning. We sity said about STATE AND Federal authori- patients tostrike By STANISLOV ARTERIO SCLERIOVICH Acting Director of University Hospital Tricky Dickinson re- signed yesterday in the face of a landmark unionization effort on the part of patients presently interred within the hospital. In a surprise move yesterday patients began refusing medica- tion and other treatment, claim- ing that they were "going on strike" until patient care im- proved. SEVENTY-EIGHT-year-old An- nie Histimine, strike leader, cites the low quality of food, and the unavailability of mor- phine as their major com- plaints. Histimine, who has been forced to remain in an iron lung for the past thirty years due to a respiratory malfunction, openly admits that she began spear- heading the organizational ef- fort because she was bored. Those patients striking have not left the hospital, but have broken into the pharmacy and totally depleted the supply of barbituates, morphine, anipheti- mines, and placebos. Hank shortcut By 1H. T. "DUSTY" RHODES The Stewards' Council of the Graduate Em- ployes' Organization (GEO), citing a ground- swell of guilt feelings among its members, voted last night to recommend that the union cancel their recently-ratified contract with the Univer- sity and reimburse the administration for all salary increases they received from the new contract. "Let's face it," explained GEO mouthpiece Dave Gordon after the hastily-called meeting, "We really screwed them over. We got way too much. I think our members got carried away with the irresponsible atmosphere of the strike and now they realize we should have been lis- tening to the University negotiators all along." OTHER SOURCES close to the GEO leader- missed," Kaplan sobbed after the time and. money the strike took a administration and the police. All is pray to God that I can help tok ever happening again." KAPLAN, a teaching assistanti phy department, retreated to hi Arboretum and could not be reac for further comment. "Look, this campus is just ge cal," said Sandy Silberstein, the ploye who nurtured the GEO thr few months last year and then q ment last summer. "That's why I retired," she a now that it was wrong from the1 should have taken what the Univer By LATERAL WITHDRAWAL As the one-third mark on his City Council term passes, Hank Shortcut (HRP - Second Ward) continues to remain in a coma, and sources high in the Human Rights Party claim chat party officials are working out a strategy to replace him on Council. Shortcut, known in parry cir- cles as "The Court Jester," was stricken during the first week of his Council term with a rare, persistent strain of the 'seue anklonemesis, commonly known coma ership is examining the feasi- bility of a Constitutional amend- ment which would redefine "physical incapacity" as a i ea- son for an official's withdrawal from political office. A COALITION of City Coun- cil Republicans and Democrats voted last month that Shotcut could not withdraw from office because "his capacities do nc seem to have been appre viably diminished" by his illness. "Those constitutional amend- ment rumors are false," assert-