THE MICHIGAN DAILY TUEE
DECEMBER SICK JOKE-Tim Smurdley, '64, big football hero, looks dismayed as Prof. Frump of
the cruelty department pulls- a crutch from under him and grumbles, "Dumb athletes." Smurdley ,
had entered the professor's grubby pad to beg donations for Christi1as gifts to needy University
patrons. Asked to comment on the event, Smurdley sighed, ".What a crutch to bear."
By VANCE INGALLSf
"Idiots," Prof. Frump muttered
as he shouldered his way through
the crowds of Christmas shoppers.
Returning a smile from one of
his students, he chuckled to him-
self while thinking about his final
exam. That would drain off any
Christmas cheer left in them
when they returned to Ann Arbor.
As he turned into the alley
which served as the sidewalk to
his apartment, he noticed a stu-
dent at his door. Prof. Frump bel-
lowed down the alley, "Yes? What
do you want?"
"I J-Just wanted to ask y-you
if-that is, I thought-"
"Hmm--you're Tim Smurdley,
'64, big football hero. Ah, yes.
How's the foot?"
"I guess I'm g-gonna have a
limp from now on."
"Serves you right. Silly football
games. Hmmph! Junebug!"
Entering the apartment, Prof.
Frump flipped on the lights and.
tossed his coat and scarf over a
chair. Turning toward the door,
he addressed Smurdley: "Well,
out with it, boy. Haven't got all
"W-Well, °sir, I sorta thought
seeing'as how it's Christmastime,
you might like to give somethin'
for the poor students who c-can't
afford to send p-presents home
to their mummies and daddies."
Deftly sliding Smurdley's crutch,
out from under him, Prof. Frump
grumbled, "Dumb athletes," and
shoved him down the steps. After
locking the door behind him, the
professor walked over to his desk.
The dim lights plus the long
shadows cast by the rickety furni-.
ture gave the apartment the
cheery atmosphere of a split-level
cave done in Early Barbarian.
Prof. Frump's desk, illuminated
by one naked bulb suspended from
the ceiling, was covered with pa-
pers waiting to be graded. He be-
gan to sort through them, picking
out the ones meriting A's, going
over them until he found enough
minute errors in each to knock it
down at least to a B-minus.
Suddenly Prof. Frump had the
feeling that someone was peering
over his shoulder. The thought
was absurd, but he decided to
check just to quiet his nerves.
What he saw glued him speech-
less to the chair. Standing before
him was a silent figure, clad in
an "M" sweatshirt and bermuda
shorts, puffing on a corn-cob pipe.
Prof. Frump couldn't believe his
eyes. He shook his head and
looked agin, but the same sight
greeted his eyes.
He could see the smoke from
the pipe entering the figure's
lungs, curling back up the wind-
pipe and coming out the mouth.
Fastened securely to his leg was
a long chain composed of massive
"You are surprised, eh, Frump?"
"Prof. Von Slavendriver! Are
you still alive?"
The figure emitted a long groan.
"Living? In this outfit? Are you
kidding? I've pulled this chain
around the world many times
since I died."
Looking behind him at his bur-
den, he shruggedl and added, "Life
is a drag."
"This is ridiculous. Prof. Von
Slavendriver died years ago.l
You're just the result of some-
thing I ate that disagreed with
me. A fig newton of my imagina-
The specter frowned and began
to shake his chain violently. Prof.
Frump picked up a chair and
hurled it at the intruder, who
grinned as it passed through his
body and smashed itself against
Prof. Frump was convinced. He
held tightly to his chair, prepared
for the worst.
"Enough of this f r i v olI i t y,
Frump, I have come to save you
from my fate. These books I pull
along are the reading assignments
I handed out so freely to my stu-
dents. I don't envy you the chain
you have made for yourself."
At that, Prof. Frump passed
out. When he recovered conscious-
ness, he found himself being car-
ried through the air by his strange
"Don't be alarmed, friend.
We're taking a little trip. I want
you to see a little of the sorrow
you have caused your students."
Within a few minutes, they had
crossed Lake Michigan and land-
ed in Chicago, in front of a little
tavern called "The Thirsty
Mouth." Inside, a youngman was
slumped at the bar, speaking to
"Yeh. Three years since I got
booted out of school. Ever since
I had that --- Prof. Frump. I
spent all my time studying for his
course, and flunked everything
"For all my effort, he gave me
a D. But I just want to forget
about that old --- now. Give me
another double, hey, Joe?"
Prof. Frump 'stood outside,
shaking his head in bewilderment.
He was Just about to enter and
speak to his former student when
his companion took his arm and
carried him upward again.
"Beginning to feel a little guil-
Prof. Frump was speechless.
The pair headed over Detroit and
landed in a residential section of
Prof. Von Slavendriver led the
old professor, who was still a little
dazed, up to a window of one of
the houses. The room was filled
with young people enjoying a
Christmas party. Prof. Frump
overheard two girls whispering.
Johnny Lucks Out
"How come Johnny couldn't ask
me to the party? I haven't seen
him since he's been home."
"I hear he has a mean old pro-
fessor, name of Crump or some-
thing, who gave so much home-
work over the vacation that John-
ny has had to study ever since he
got back to town.
Prof. Frump had had enough.
"Take me away from here," he
Prof. Von Slavendriver shook
his head and refused to budge.
Prof. Frump screamed over and
over until suddenly, he found
himself back in his room, sitting
in his chair, drooped over the
It must have been a dream, he
thought. But he decided - dream
or not - he had work to do. He
marked all the papers on his desk
with A's and B's, and made out a
notice informing his students that
their Christmas homework was
cancelled, so they could all have
a cheery, beery holiday season.
Then he threw on his coat and
scarf, hurried to the Diag, and
joined a young folk group singing
carols in Agnostic.
Spreading Christmas joy made
him feel good thro:ugh and
through. Prof. Frump toddled
home and completed preparations
for a Christmas goose. He took
a Tiny Tum.
New and intriguing Shawl Collar and Cardigan Jacket sweaters,
knitted by hand in Denmark of beautiful, soft, thickspun prima-
Gf t Su estions rom The Music Center
"_Quality diamond needles
Transistor radios -
Records-mailed for you
Hi Fi components
Stereo record players
- J~~-~S~'rnX - -~