THE MICHIGAN DAILY yA
anta
Claus:
Victim
of
odern,
Liberal
(EDITOR'S NOTE-A campus con-
servative and his alter ego recently
spent a day in the frozen wastes
interviewing a well-known share-
the-wealth proponent.)
By MICHAEL HARRAH
and ROBIN PAGE
Special To The Daily
NORTH POLE -- Indian Summer
up here is pretty short (it
came on a Tuesday from 2 to 2:15
this year) but we managed to en-
joy its brief stay with one S. Claus,
spreader of glad tidings and oth-
er forms of good will toward the
latter part of each year-or at
least, each year up until now.
S. Claus-Santa to those who
know him-confided to us that he
has run into some difficulties.
When we pressed him for the de-
tails, he reluctantly elaborated.
"It's labor troubles," Santa said.
(We were pleased when he asked
us to call him Santa.) "Jurisdic-
tional disputes."
"How so," we inquired.
"Well, the International Broth-
erhpod of Elves and the Associated
Toy-making Dwarfs have me all
bottled up in a row over who will
unionize my shop."
* * *
CAN'T YOU do anything to
stop it?" we asked.
"Appealed to that Bobby Ken-
nedy fellow," he said. "Told me
he'd take it up with his brother
Jack. Jack decided I'd get no help
from him."
"Why not?"
"Well, it seems I've got a mon-
opoly up here. Fact Is, I've' got
something here to prove it." He
rummaged around in his old roll-
top desk and came up with a very
official-lookirig document which
was titled. 'The People vs. Claus.
Re: Conspiracy in Restraint of
Trade. United States District
Court.'
"This is terrible," we said.
"What will you do?"
"Can't say," Santa puffed.
"When I get this labor thing
handled, they'll slap me with an
injunction to stop making toys
until my suit clears the court."
"That takes a long time," we
agreed. "Perhaps if you appealed
to the United Nations . . ."
* * *
"NO GOOD," the old man in-
terrupted. "Wrote 'em about it.
They just told me to appear in
person before the General As-
sembly and they'd consider it."
"Well, that seems reasonable
enough," we said.
LABOR PROBLEMS-Elves in Santa's workshop have learned the
traditional labor complaints from reading American newspapers
during milk break. Seizing upon these new ideas, they are threat-
ening to unionize.
"Oh, its reasonable all right,"
Santa said. "But I can't go."
"Can't go? But why not?"'
"Well, seems I've been grounded
by the Civil Aeronautics Board for
flying an unapproved aircraft. No
provisions on the books for a
sleigh, you see."
"but how could you fly on
Christmas eve then," we inquired.
"Hard telling," he replied. "Last
year I ducked two Nike missiles
crossing the DEW line."
"It's hard to believe that a won-
derful person like you could have
all this trouble," we consoled him.
"But if you could get under way
on Christmas eve, how would
things-go?"
"Not very well," he told us. "I've
been running into local prob-
lems."
"Local problems, Santa? How
so?"
* * *
"Well, I got four illegal parking
tickets in Philadelphia, I ,got
caught going the wrong way up a
one-way street in South Bend,
I've got a Judic case for not hav-
ing a staff paid parking permit in
Ann Arbor and the San Francisco
police have offered a $1000 re-
ward for my capture for flying
too low over city streets."
"My goodness." We registered
surprise. "Well, why didn't you
tell those people who you were?"
"I did, but they all said they
were Napoleon Bonaparte. Hauled
me before a JP in Colorado for
drunk driving. In Denver I had to
pay license fees for the reindeer."
"This is ridiculous," we inter-
rupted. "We'll certainly take it up
with our congressman."
Santa said he would appreciate
that. Then he asked us about
President Kennedy.
"Pretty good man," we said.
"CAN'T UNDERSTAND him,"
Santa went on. "Sent a bunch of
men up here. They stuck up signs
all over. Depressed Area. What's
that?"
"It seems that the area is eco-
nomically hard-pressed," we ex-
plained.
"Hard-pressed," Santa grum-
bled. "Why I pay better wages
than the Black Forest-three cod-
fish a week, with Easter off too."
"How's the toy business in gen-
eral, Santa?"
"Terrible," he said.
"Sales dropping off, we sup-
pose?"
"Hardly that," he replied, "but
commercial toymakers are under-
cutting us."
"How's that?" we asked.
"They've stuck a high tariff on
imported toys and left me to
compete with that Japanese stuff,
and you know what that's worth."
We changed the subject. "Tell
us about your new sleigh, Santa.
How do you like it?"
"Can't get used to it," he com-
plained. "This one's an automatic
and I've been used to a stick."
We were bewildered. "What do
you mean, Santa?"
"Well, on the old sleigh, when-
ever one of the reindeer was lag-
ging I reached out with my stick
and popped him one. Now I've got
this automatic reindeer stinger.
All I have to do is press the proper
button."
* * *
"SOUNDS pretty easy," we said.
"Not so easy," the old man con-
tradicted. "The other day Mrs. C.
was helping hitch up the reindeer
for a trial run. I saw Blitzen ly-
ing down, so I pressed the button.
Mrs. C. shot six feet in the air.
Wrong button."
"Tell us about the image of
Santa Claus," we said. "We un-
derstand you took a poll on the
subject."
"Yes, I did. "Results were some-
what inconclusive."
"How could they be inconclusive,
Santa?"
"Well, here. I'll read 'em off: 19
per cent were pledged to the Eas-
ter Bunny, 21 per cent said they
didn't go to the movies, 16 per
cent said they never voted Repub-
lican and never would, 2 per cent
took the fifth amendment, 10 per
cent said they were already on
relief and 13 per cent asked what
comic strip I was in. Perhaps the
question was phrased poorly."
We consoled him. "Those poll-
sters probably didn't ask any chil-
dren. No wonder their respondents
were so uninformed."
"I've had some gripes about
your fine children too," he grum-
bled. "Got a job as a Santa at
Macy's last year. Had to quit
though. Insurance company can-
celled my policy."
* * *
"CANCELLED IT? But why?"
"They said-high risk job."
"What could be risky about some
little children?"
Society
"Private industry never cot
compete with government. Y
folks have got Santa Claus on
year 'round basis. Kind of talk
the novelty out of it when I g
around."
It took our breath away, t
finally we said, "We didn't res
ize what you were up again
Santa."
1ut his eyes were twinkling a:
he said, "I've not struck out, la
dies. Old Santa still stands I
something that your welfare sta
never will. Santa Claus is the spi
it of cheerful giving and cheerf
receiving. Welfarism is only chee
ful receiving.'
"WE GUESS that's what mal
Christmas better," we agreed.
isn't much fun giving somethi
to someone else unless you wa
to."
SUCH IS MODERN LIFE-With the wave of congressional investigations, black lists and left-over
McCarthyism, even Santa's bag is under suspicion from the guard at the UGLI.
"That's what I said. But they
cancelled after the fourth claim
on my beard."
"Your beard?"
"Yes. Once I had 17 lollipops
stuck in it in the space of an hour.
And it wouldn't be so bad except
that the little brats kept pulling
them back out."
"Oh Santa, you're far too gloomy
about people. Don't yo uthink they
honor you as the spirit of Christ-
mas?"
The old man puffed on his pipe
a bit, and then he said, "Not any
more. I've been replaced."
"Oh, Santa, nothing could re-
place you. Why, you're the image
of the spirit of giving."
* * *
SANTA laughed and laughed.
"My children," he said. "You've
got an outfit that's got it all over
me when it comes to giving.
"Why there's social security; un-
employment compensation, aid to
dependent children, social welfare,
severance pay, time-and-a-half,
overtime, expense accounts, soil
bank, conservation rebates, price
supports, vacation pay, graduated
income tax, featherbedding-say,
you can't beat that.
"And unless you think they de
serve it," Santa added. "I don'
bring gifts to the children wh
haven't earned them."
The old man smiled to himsel
and we couldn't rebut that, s
we watched the setting sun (
was about that time of year u
there) and when he had droppe
off to sleep we hurried over t
our little airplane-which had
big red parking ticket danglin
from the door handle.
You just can't say that ol
Santa hasn't learned a thing c
two from all his troubles. If yo
can't beat em, .. .
~-
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