84 | SEPTEMBER 26 • 2024
J
N
S
tephanie Appel of Bloomfield
Hills says she wants to make
sure the Jewish holidays
are special for her 14-year-old.
The holidays look a little different
because she and her daughter’s father
are divorced, but her family lives in
the area, and they make the best of
it, she explains.
“I definitely want the holidays
to have meaning,” Appel says. “We
do things with our family; we have
meals, we sometimes go to services,
we sometimes observe in our own
way, not going to services, but we
always try to make every holiday
occurrence special, whether it’s
lighting candles or eating special
foods.”
Navigating the High Holidays
looks different for families after
divorce, but with some flexibility
and an eye toward creating happy
memories for kids, it’s doable, albeit
sometimes difficult, say parents
and professionals involved in the
experience.
Kids of different ages
have different needs,
but the ideas around
starting new traditions
and meaningful
experiences for and with
them is the same, says
Jessica Woll, a family
law attorney in Bloomfield Hills who
wrote a book on divorce.
“We can create happy memories,
and we’re in charge of making or
breaking that possibility for kids,”
she says.
In terms of logistics, it’s important
to communicate in advance what
plans are going to be, so there’s no
gray area or last-minute running to
court to sort it out, she says. “And
you should never put your kids in
the middle of the conversation,”
says Woll, adding that some parents
in the cases of amicable divorces
choose to work it out case by case.
“Put it in writing and never involve
your children in that.”
Meanwhile, parents should try
to refrain from speaking ill of the
other parent over the holiday, even if
they’ve been wronged, she explains.
“I think we should be on hyper
alert, be on our best behavior for the
holidays.”
‘SPLITTING THE HOLIDAYS’
In Bloomfield Hills-based Appel’s
case, sorting out the holidays has
been especially problematic because
of the nature of her high-conflict
divorce, she says. “I have to fight for
everything Jewish, period,” Appel
says. “Even something like having
two overnights for Rosh Hashanah
and two overnights for Yom Kippur,
if they don’t fall on my parenting
time, these are things that have been
fights for 11 years.”
Now remarried, Appel says she
advises other parents going through
a divorce to get good legal advice
from a strong lawyer, so they can
make a plan for parenting time that
includes the specifics, including
Jewish holidays, before they even ink
the paperwork.
“I’ve had to come to terms with,
not accepting it, but I have to
manage how I feel about it and move
forward, because I can’t do anything
about it,” she says. “I just have to
remind myself that, you know what,
if we can’t celebrate it on that day, we
have other days where we can make
it up and make it special.”
Splitting two-day holidays can
be easier than splitting a day-
long holiday like Thanksgiving,
says Brett Sherman,
a Birmingham-based
licensed therapist
dealing with children
and families. And how
the holiday planning
goes often comes down
Making a
Meaningful Holiday
Navigating the High Holidays after divorce demands
compromise and flexibility.
KAREN SCHWARTZ CONTRIBUTING WRITER
ROSH HASHANAH
Jessica
Woll
Brett
Sherman