4 | SEPTEMBER 8 • 2022
PURELY COMMENTARY
for openers
Waiting for Liftoff
I
’m writing this column on
Aug. 28, days ahead of its
Sept. 8 publication date. This
morning I leapt (fact-checked:
very slowly rolled) out of bed
with the excitement of what it
must feel like to be a little kid
on Christmas
morning, or so
I’ve heard.
I’m excited
because it’s
launch day at
Cape Canaveral
for NASA
’s
Artemis 1 space
mission to the
moon. But, alas, the test flight
of the no-crew flight aboard
the Orion space capsule to our
lunar neighbor was scrubbed
due to an engine problem.
I’m hoping by the time you’re
reading this a successful launch
has since taken place.
But, hey, flight delays are
now a way of life, right? A
check this morning at the
website Flightaware.com
revealed that as of 9:53 a.m.
ET, there were a total of 8,120
delays, 900 of which were into
or out of the U.S.
The Artemis 1 rocket was set
to take off from Launch Pad
39-B. Though this is a crewless
flight, trust me, any seasoned
astronaut will tell you that
Launch Pad 39-B is their least
favorite because it’s the furthest
gate from the Kennedy Space
Center’s long-term parking lot.
Considering it took 10 hours
for the rocket to travel from
NASA
’s Vehicle Assembly
Building, I think it’s a safe
bet that when the Artemis 1
does take off, they will not be
switching departure gates.
Artemis 1 will not land on
the lunar surface, instead it
will fly past the moon and
thousands of miles beyond
before turning around. In total,
the spacecraft will travel 1.3
million miles, which I would
think would exhaust any of
NASA
’s saved up Sky Miles.
As previously stated, this
space flight is unmanned,
kind of. On board there are
three high-tech mannequins,
outfitted with space suits that
test for radiation exposure for
future human deep space travel.
I’m checking into a rumor that
the flight also includes a child-
size mannequin to test future
astronaut’s ability to deal with
an obnoxious kid kicking the
back of their seat.
And this is the absolute
truth, look it up, the three
mannequins are named Helga,
Zohar and Monnikin Capos.
My sources tell me that Zohar
was late to board because he
had not enrolled for TSA pre-
check status. What a dummy.
In 2024, Artemis 2 will
send humans on the same
trip around the moon. A
dramatic event could take
place as early as 2025, when
NASA is expected to land the
first woman and person of
color on the lunar surface. The
female astronaut, of course, will
guarantee that in the event the
rocket strays off course, it will
stop and ask for directions.
The rocket holds 700,000
gallons of liquid oxygen and
liquid hydrogen, which NASA
says will be 10 cents cheaper
per gallon if the astronauts pay
with cash instead of a credit
card.
I have not been able to
confirm that the mannequins
on board this delayed flight
were offered vouchers for
their future flight. Lest you
think money is not an issue
for astronauts, according to
ZipRecruiter, the average
annual pay of a NASA
astronaut is $94,704 a year,
which translates to about $46/
hour.
After tirelessly pressing
NASA officials over the last
few weeks, I finally got them to
admit that they would’ve have
sent human astronauts aboard
the Artemis 1 space flight, but
they just had too much trouble
finding anyone to work.
Historical artifacts will be
going along for the ride on
Artemis 1. On board will be
mementos from the Apollo
11 mission, which first landed
man on the moon, including
a sample of moon dust
previously collected.
Also, a Snoopy doll outfitted
in a space suit will make the
journey along with an actual
pen nib used by Charles
Schultz for his Peanut cartoons.
I immediately envisioned both
Snoopy and his best friend
Woodstock laying atop the
Orion space capsule.
This scrubbing of the
Artemis 1 space flight due to
an engine problem hit close to
home for me. I just received a
recall letter for my SUV due to
a “hydraulic control unit anti-
lock brake system” issue. The
letter states “this condition can
result in unintended vehicle
movement and cause a vehicle
crash without prior warning
and/or injury to others outside
the vehicle.
”
My favorite part of the
recall letter comes in its next
paragraph which states in bold
letters: “The remedy for this
condition is not currently
available.
” Can you believe
that? Of course, you can.
Houston, you’re not the only
one with a problem.
Visit his website at laughwithbigal.
com,“Like” Al on Facebook and reach
him at amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.
Alan
Muskovitz
Contributing
Writer
NASA.GOV
With Their Centennial Gift, Judith and Irwin Elson Continue
Their Long Legacy of Support for the Jewish Community.
Judith and Irwin Elson are lifelong Jewish Detroiters whose
shared history reflects the story of the community itself.
Descended from Eastern European immigrants, they grew up in
households surrounded by family and a love of Jewish life. There
they learned firsthand the power of community to connect and
support its members, especially when each lost a parent at the
age of twelve—Judy her mother and Irwin his father. “I was
brought up with Tzedakah,
” Judy recalls. “We always had the
light blue box on our kitchen counter with the map of Israel on it.
Supporting Jewish causes is part of who I am.” Their commitment
grew after they married and started a family, with daughters
Robyn and Denise. “We joined Adat Shalom, sent our daughters
to Hebrew school and read the Jewish News,
” Irwin recalls, “and
along the way we attended events sponsored by Federation’s
Young Adult Division, became educated and solicited for the
Annual Campaign.” Today, after 58 years of marriage, the Elsons
have established a long legacy of leadership, involvement and
generosity. Among his many roles, Irwin served as President of
the JCC and was chair of Federation’s Allocation Committee.
Judy serves on the boards of Federation Women’s Philanthropy
and the Jewish Women’s Foundation, where she is proud to be
involved in grant making for programs and advocacy for Jewish
women and girls.
Now, with their Centennial commitment, the Elsons’
generosity and impact will extend far into the future. The
Centennial Fund is the central endowment campaign for Jewish
Detroit and is designed to secure the community’s future for the
next one hundred years. “Our budget has always consisted of
two parts,
” Irwin notes. “Living and giving. It is only natural that
we give this Centennial gift as our way of continued support for
the values and services we believe in.” Their commitment also
reflects confidence in future leaders of the community. “Our
history was built on strong leaders and community teamwork,
”
they say. “We have been lucky to have worked with so many of
them and we’re most proud of our system that has continued to
develop the ‘next generation’ of leaders.” Thanks to Judy and
Irwin, the history of our unique and vibrant community will
continue to be written long into the future.