10 | JULY 14 • 2022
PURELY COMMENTARY
B
ailiff: “
All rise.
Humiliation Court
is now in session.
The honorable ‘What Were
You Thinking’ presiding. Mr.
Muskovitz, please rise and
raise your right
hand. Do you
solemnly swear
to tell the truth,
the whole truth
and nothing but
the truth, so
help you God?”
Alan: “Yes.
I’m not running
for political office, so yes, I’m
happy to tell the honest truth.
”
Bailiff: “You may be seated.
”
Alan: “I’
d rather slouch. I’m
kind of embarrassed.
”
Judge: “Mr. Muskovitz, it’s
my understanding that on
June 29, you pulled your SUV
into your garage forgetting the
trunk was open which resulted
in top of said garage door
hitting your trunk resulting
in the smashing out of your
rear window into thousands of
shards of glass.
”
Alan: “Yes, your honor.
”
Judge: “How do plead?”
Alan: “I’m a moron, your
honor.
”
Judge: “Let the record show
that the defendant is a moron
… It’s my understanding this
is not the first moronic thing
you’ve done to your car?”
Alan: “Yes, your honor. But
how did you know that?”
Judge: “Your wife and
kids revealed that in their
depositions. … Tell the court
about the other incidents.
”
Alan: “Well your honor,
several years ago, I backed out
of my garage and smashed into
the driver side front door of my
son’s then one-week old new
car.
”
Judge: “I see.
”
Alan: “I’ve also backed into
my father-in-law’s car on my
driveway.
”
Judge: “Sounds like you have
a lot of trouble just leaving your
house.
”
Alan: (Losing composure,
sniffling.) “It would appear that
way, your honor.
”
Judge: “Do you need a
moment, Mr. Muskovitz?”
Alan: (Deep breath in and
out, dabbing a tissue to my
eyes.) “Please, thank you, your
honor.
”
During this brief recess, I’
d
like to remind you that my
humiliating stories above are
100% true; not an ounce of
embellishment. And I have no
doubt there’s a few additional
incidents in the deep recesses
of my mind that I’m probably
suppressing. (We now return to
the proceedings.)
Bailiff: “Court is again in
session.
”
Judge: “Mr. Muskovitz, I
remind you that you’re still
under oath. Have you regained
your composure?”
Alan: “Yes your honor, but
I’m still working on my dignity.
”
Judge: “Mr. Muskovitz, do
you have anything to say in
your defense for pulling into
your garage with your SUV’s
trunk open, resulting in the
smashing out of your rear
window into thousands of
teeny-weeny shards of glass?”
Alan: “
Actually, I do, your
honor. Since sharing this
incident with friends and
family, many have come
forward to divulge their own
humiliating, self-inflicted
vehicular absurdities. It turns
out this a fairly common
phenomenon. If it pleases the
court, I’
d like to submit those
stories and have them admitted
into evidence.
”
Judge: “On what basis?”
Alan: “Just to make me feel
better. You know, misery loves
company.
”
Judge: “You may proceed.
”
Alan: “Thank you,
your honor. I swear by the
authenticity of the following
five stories.
“
A friend of mine pulled in
too close on the right side of
her two-car garage shearing
off the right side-view mirror.
A few weeks later, she pulled
in too close on the left side of
her garage and … care to take
a guess?
“
A friend of mine attempted
to pour a container of a half-
gallon of gas, leftover from
filling up his boat, into his car’s
tank. He proceeded to get the
nozzle on the gas container
inextricably stuck in his car’s
fuel filler neck. That $2-$3 in
gas resulted in $400 worth of
repairs.
“
A friend of mine admitted
to me that she has twice
damaged her garage door while
backing out of her garage.
Once, when she completely
forgot to open her garage door,
the second time when she
didn’t wait for the garage door
to open completely.
”
“My brother-in-law’s mother
was having difficulty backing
out of her one-car garage. After
numerous turns, navigating
back and forth, she managed to
get her car stuck sidewise in the
garage, requiring a tow truck to
extricate it out.
“Finally, this last story
didn’t result in damages to
an automobile, only to my
mother’s pride. It’s an all-time
Muskovitz family favorite.
Many years ago, my mother left
a neighbor’s house, got into her
car, and proceeded to scream:
‘They’ve stolen my steering
wheel!’ I’m not sure how long
the shock took to wear off
before my mom realized she
was sitting in the back seat of
her car … Your honor, I rest
my case.
”
Judge: “Very compelling,
Mr. Muskovitz. Rather than
admonish you more than you
have already admonished
yourself, let me remind you
that is why these unfortunate
unintentional mishaps are
called …
”
Alan: “I know, I know …
accidents.
”
Judge: “
And you can’t spell
accidents without ‘dents.
’”
(Judge laughs.)
Alan: “That hurts, your
honor.
”
Judge: (Gavel is struck.)
“Humiliation Court is
adjourned.
”
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/
acting talent, speaker and emcee.
Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com,
”Like” Al on Facebook and reach him at
amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.
for fun
Bumper Cars
Alan
Muskovitz
Contributing
Writer