10 | JULY 14 • 2022 PURELY COMMENTARY B ailiff: “ All rise. Humiliation Court is now in session. The honorable ‘What Were You Thinking’ presiding. Mr. Muskovitz, please rise and raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?” Alan: “Yes. I’m not running for political office, so yes, I’m happy to tell the honest truth. ” Bailiff: “You may be seated. ” Alan: “I’ d rather slouch. I’m kind of embarrassed. ” Judge: “Mr. Muskovitz, it’s my understanding that on June 29, you pulled your SUV into your garage forgetting the trunk was open which resulted in top of said garage door hitting your trunk resulting in the smashing out of your rear window into thousands of shards of glass. ” Alan: “Yes, your honor. ” Judge: “How do plead?” Alan: “I’m a moron, your honor. ” Judge: “Let the record show that the defendant is a moron … It’s my understanding this is not the first moronic thing you’ve done to your car?” Alan: “Yes, your honor. But how did you know that?” Judge: “Your wife and kids revealed that in their depositions. … Tell the court about the other incidents. ” Alan: “Well your honor, several years ago, I backed out of my garage and smashed into the driver side front door of my son’s then one-week old new car. ” Judge: “I see. ” Alan: “I’ve also backed into my father-in-law’s car on my driveway. ” Judge: “Sounds like you have a lot of trouble just leaving your house. ” Alan: (Losing composure, sniffling.) “It would appear that way, your honor. ” Judge: “Do you need a moment, Mr. Muskovitz?” Alan: (Deep breath in and out, dabbing a tissue to my eyes.) “Please, thank you, your honor. ” During this brief recess, I’ d like to remind you that my humiliating stories above are 100% true; not an ounce of embellishment. And I have no doubt there’s a few additional incidents in the deep recesses of my mind that I’m probably suppressing. (We now return to the proceedings.) Bailiff: “Court is again in session. ” Judge: “Mr. Muskovitz, I remind you that you’re still under oath. Have you regained your composure?” Alan: “Yes your honor, but I’m still working on my dignity. ” Judge: “Mr. Muskovitz, do you have anything to say in your defense for pulling into your garage with your SUV’s trunk open, resulting in the smashing out of your rear window into thousands of teeny-weeny shards of glass?” Alan: “ Actually, I do, your honor. Since sharing this incident with friends and family, many have come forward to divulge their own humiliating, self-inflicted vehicular absurdities. It turns out this a fairly common phenomenon. If it pleases the court, I’ d like to submit those stories and have them admitted into evidence. ” Judge: “On what basis?” Alan: “Just to make me feel better. You know, misery loves company. ” Judge: “You may proceed. ” Alan: “Thank you, your honor. I swear by the authenticity of the following five stories. “ A friend of mine pulled in too close on the right side of her two-car garage shearing off the right side-view mirror. A few weeks later, she pulled in too close on the left side of her garage and … care to take a guess? “ A friend of mine attempted to pour a container of a half- gallon of gas, leftover from filling up his boat, into his car’s tank. He proceeded to get the nozzle on the gas container inextricably stuck in his car’s fuel filler neck. That $2-$3 in gas resulted in $400 worth of repairs. “ A friend of mine admitted to me that she has twice damaged her garage door while backing out of her garage. Once, when she completely forgot to open her garage door, the second time when she didn’t wait for the garage door to open completely. ” “My brother-in-law’s mother was having difficulty backing out of her one-car garage. After numerous turns, navigating back and forth, she managed to get her car stuck sidewise in the garage, requiring a tow truck to extricate it out. “Finally, this last story didn’t result in damages to an automobile, only to my mother’s pride. It’s an all-time Muskovitz family favorite. Many years ago, my mother left a neighbor’s house, got into her car, and proceeded to scream: ‘They’ve stolen my steering wheel!’ I’m not sure how long the shock took to wear off before my mom realized she was sitting in the back seat of her car … Your honor, I rest my case. ” Judge: “Very compelling, Mr. Muskovitz. Rather than admonish you more than you have already admonished yourself, let me remind you that is why these unfortunate unintentional mishaps are called … ” Alan: “I know, I know … accidents. ” Judge: “ And you can’t spell accidents without ‘dents. ’” (Judge laughs.) Alan: “That hurts, your honor. ” Judge: (Gavel is struck.) “Humiliation Court is adjourned. ” Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/ acting talent, speaker and emcee. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com, ”Like” Al on Facebook and reach him at amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com. for fun Bumper Cars Alan Muskovitz Contributing Writer