50 | SEPTEMBER 26 • 2019

Rosh Hashanah

Apologies are
Like Cheese
I

recently had the opportu-
nity to ask forgiveness. A
colleague wrote me about a
situation where I had “dropped
the ball.” I ignored the email
at first, then sighed heavily
before opening
it. The process
forced me into
the Hebrew
month of Elul,
which leads us to
Rosh Hashanah.
It’
s training for
teshuvah — the
process of turning around to
face ourselves, apologize and
re-commit to do better.
I’
ve realized there are a few
very different kinds of apolo-
gies, and they may be a bit like
cheese, taking time to mature.
The easiest kind are when
we recognize what we’
ve done
wrong as soon as we’
ve done it
and it’
s easy to say, “I’
m sorry.”
These are like the mozzarella
cheese that Google tells me I
can make at home in 30 min-
utes. It’
s like the cheap cheddar
at the store. I like it though!
On the other end of the
spectrum are apologies that
I will probably never make.
Think of the sometimes-won-
derfully-stinky aged cheeses
that cost a lot. It’
s just not for
me. These are the apologies
that I’
m never going to offer.
Maybe I should or shouldn’
t,
but I know I won’
t.
An important sub-category
here is the cultural and often
gender-based expectation of
apologies. These have nothing
to do with who caused any
harm; they’
re just expectations,
most often put on women,
expectations to apologize
regardless of what happened.

This is a form of gas-lighting
and a form of emotional abuse.
Some of the most poignant
and fruitful apologies, how-
ever, are the kinds we know
we should make, but they’
re
hard and take time to prepare.
Sometimes, like a good cheese,
we take weeks, months or years
to mature into preparing them.
Often, they’
re the apologies
to close friends or family. For
me, they’
re like the blue cheese
that’
s just a few years aged. It’
s
a bit hard to swallow for the
average mortal, but you know a
lot went into figuring out how
to make it edible.
A lot is at stake in these
apologies — usually our
egos. Maturing oneself into
making these in a way that’
s
sincere includes preparation
to repair the harm caused to
the extent possible as well as a
commitment to act differently.
This requires a transformation
of who we are. It is these apol-
ogies which make a mensch
— not a perfect person, but
one who strives to do good and
owns up to their mistakes.
We should both hold our-
selves responsible as well as cut
ourselves some compassionate
slack here. I know I have apol-
ogies to make that I’
m still
maturing into, and they may
take a few more months or
years. I won’
t let myself off the
hook for working on them, but
neither can I push myself too
quickly because if I do, they
will come out insincere and
cause the people I’
ve hurt even
more pain.

Rabbi Moshe Givental is a local cli-
mate activist and works on behalf
of social justice.

Rabbi Moshe
Givental

ISTOCK

essay
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