50 | SEPTEMBER 26 • 2019 

Rosh Hashanah

Apologies are 
Like Cheese
I 

recently had the opportu-
nity to ask forgiveness. A 
colleague wrote me about a 
situation where I had “dropped 
the ball.” I ignored the email 
at first, then sighed heavily 
before opening 
it. The process 
forced me into 
the Hebrew 
month of Elul, 
which leads us to 
Rosh Hashanah. 
It’
s training for 
teshuvah — the 
process of turning around to 
face ourselves, apologize and 
re-commit to do better. 
I’
ve realized there are a few 
very different kinds of apolo-
gies, and they may be a bit like 
cheese, taking time to mature. 
The easiest kind are when 
we recognize what we’
ve done 
wrong as soon as we’
ve done it 
and it’
s easy to say, “I’
m sorry.” 
These are like the mozzarella 
cheese that Google tells me I 
can make at home in 30 min-
utes. It’
s like the cheap cheddar 
at the store. I like it though!
On the other end of the 
spectrum are apologies that 
I will probably never make. 
Think of the sometimes-won-
derfully-stinky aged cheeses 
that cost a lot. It’
s just not for 
me. These are the apologies 
that I’
m never going to offer. 
Maybe I should or shouldn’
t, 
but I know I won’
t. 
An important sub-category 
here is the cultural and often 
gender-based expectation of 
apologies. These have nothing 
to do with who caused any 
harm; they’
re just expectations, 
most often put on women, 
expectations to apologize 
regardless of what happened. 

This is a form of gas-lighting 
and a form of emotional abuse. 
Some of the most poignant 
and fruitful apologies, how-
ever, are the kinds we know 
we should make, but they’
re 
hard and take time to prepare. 
Sometimes, like a good cheese, 
we take weeks, months or years 
to mature into preparing them. 
Often, they’
re the apologies 
to close friends or family. For 
me, they’
re like the blue cheese 
that’
s just a few years aged. It’
s 
a bit hard to swallow for the 
average mortal, but you know a 
lot went into figuring out how 
to make it edible. 
A lot is at stake in these 
apologies — usually our 
egos. Maturing oneself into 
making these in a way that’
s 
sincere includes preparation 
to repair the harm caused to 
the extent possible as well as a 
commitment to act differently. 
This requires a transformation 
of who we are. It is these apol-
ogies which make a mensch 
— not a perfect person, but 
one who strives to do good and 
owns up to their mistakes. 
We should both hold our-
selves responsible as well as cut 
ourselves some compassionate 
slack here. I know I have apol-
ogies to make that I’
m still 
maturing into, and they may 
take a few more months or 
years. I won’
t let myself off the 
hook for working on them, but 
neither can I push myself too 
quickly because if I do, they 
will come out insincere and 
cause the people I’
ve hurt even 
more pain. 

Rabbi Moshe Givental is a local cli-
mate activist and works on behalf 
of social justice.

Rabbi Moshe 
Givental

ISTOCK

essay
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