March 7 • 2019 5
jn
A
young rabbi, her father and
90-year-old great-aunt walk
into a Coney Island. Sounds
like the opening line to an old joke,
but it’
s actually the beginning of a very
humorous experience I had the plea-
sure of witnessing last week during a
visit to Detroit’
s one and only Lafayette
Coney Island (LCI).
A scene that could
have been written for
Seinfeld or Curb Your
Enthusiasm.
I had the privilege
of being invited by
the above-mentioned
trio to join them for
lunch at the famous
century-old hot dog haunt. The dining
destination was the choice of the great-
aunt, who treasures her regular visits
to LCI. However, despite being a native
Detroiter, this was the very first time
the young rabbi had been to the iconic
Coney.
I got an early idea that we were in for
an interesting afternoon during the car
ride down, when the rabbi expressed
that she was “excited about going to this
restaurant.
” I immediately set the record
straight that we were not going to a
“restaurant.
” No disrespect to the fine
family-owned business, but I don’
t even
think they consider their 102-year-old
establishment — that serves primarily
hotdogs and chili — a restaurant.
Upon arrival to LCI, we were joined
by another of the trio’
s relatives, the
rabbi’
s aunt, a transplanted Detroiter
now living in Windsor. You want to talk
chaos at the border? Just try stopping
a native Detroiter hell bent on going to
Lafayette Coney Island from crossing
into the U.S.
Once comfortably seated at one of
Lafayette’
s large community-style tables,
we were welcomed by one of their great
veteran waiters, a seasoned pro who
bellowed out each of our orders to the
cook clear across the opposite side of
the “restaurant.
”
“One with everything,
” he yelled.
Music to my ears. Anticipation for my
taste buds.
Four of the five orders were placed
without incident. And then it was the
rabbi’
s turn. She paused and asked for a
… menu. At that point, you could hear
a collective gasp throughout the Coney
Island. I’
m surprised dishes weren’
t
dropped at the utterance of “May I have
a menu?”
A menu, she was hoping, would
include a Greek salad or vegetarian
dish that would allow her to adhere to
Jewish dietary laws. I believe I did hear
glass break when she asked, tongue-in-
cheek, about the availability of “kale.
”
The only vegetarian dish she could pos-
sibly hope for was if she ordered “one
with everything” but hold the hotdog,
chili and the bun and stick with just a
plate of onions with mustard.
The dialogue between the rabbi and
the waiter, who spoke broken English at
best, turned into a modern-day version
of Abbott & Costello’
s classic Who’
s On
First routine, as she tried to find some-
thing that would not risk her expulsion
from the rabbinate. It was a back and
forth, that if only had been captured on
video, would most certainly have gone
viral.
It looked like solid food was not
going to be an option. So, running
out of choices, the rabbi asked about
Lafayette Coney Island’
s selection of
beers that were … on tap. LCI doesn’
t
have beer on tap … it has a bottle
opener.
“Bud, Bud Light, Miller, Miller Lite,
”
said the waiter.
“
Any craft beers?” asked the rabbi.
To which the waiter, who I believe
was himself ready for a drink, replied
(loudly): “What kind of Coney do you
want?!”
Just when it seemed all was lost, it
came down to bean soup as the rabbi’
s
only hope. Upon her request, the waiter
recited in great detail every ingredient
to the satisfaction of the rabbi. And just
when it appeared every dietary hurdle
had been cleared, she said: “Wait! Is
there any meat in the soup stock?”
At that point, three people siting kitty
corner from us, who obviously got a
kick out of hearing the banter, threw
up their arms in disbelief. That was
immediately followed by a gentleman
at an adjacent table to abruptly turn
to the rabbi and, in a friendly but firm
way, insist on knowing “why the (insert
a mild, commonly used obscenity) did
she come here in the first place?!” To
which the rabbi replied in a sermo-
nesque tone, “It was about being with
my family.
”
Boom. Drop the microphone. The
rabbi nailed it. Everyone smiled. And
then she took a sip of her Miller Lite as
we all toasted the joy of being together.
L
’
Chaim! … which I believe at Coney
Island means extra onions. ■
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting
talent, speaker, emcee and an occasional
guest host on the Mitch Albom Show on WJR
AM 760. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.
com and “Like” Al on Facebook.
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Coney Island Conundrum
letters
Alan Muskovitz
Otzma Yehudit
Otzma Yehudit (Jewish Power) is a rein-
carnation of Meir Kahane’
s Kach party,
excluded from politics years ago for
being terrorist in nature. When asked
to disavow Kahane’
s racist ideology,
Otzmah’
s party leader refused.
That a prime minister of Israel
would have any dealings with a racist
party that accepts Kahane’
s ideology
of rabid hate for Palestinians and their
effective exclusion from any phase of
everyday Israeli life, a ban on intermar-
riage of any kind and the extradition
of those rejecting these actions, and
who believed that the citizenship of all
non-Jews should be revoked is not only
abhorrent but a rejection of Jewish and
democratic values.
The idea that the Jewish Home party
would consent to a merger with such a
group is even more disturbing, if that’
s
possible. The last time I looked at the
Ten Commandments, it never men-
tions racism or xenophobia as an attri-
bute acceptable to God. Imagine the
screams of hypocrisy leveled not only
against the State of Israel but the entire
Jewish people.
The fact that the prime minister
would stoop so low, morally and prac-
tically, to secure his re-election, to
create a favorable cabinet majority and
perhaps to forestall his bribery investi-
gation is truly a proper definition of an
impeachable event.
[This] is an affront to humanity.
What makes it all the worse is that it
has been perpetrated by Jews.
— Joel Gershenson
Farmington Hills
Editor’
s Note: See an op-ed on this topic on
page 8.