March 7 • 2019 5 jn A young rabbi, her father and 90-year-old great-aunt walk into a Coney Island. Sounds like the opening line to an old joke, but it’ s actually the beginning of a very humorous experience I had the plea- sure of witnessing last week during a visit to Detroit’ s one and only Lafayette Coney Island (LCI). A scene that could have been written for Seinfeld or Curb Your Enthusiasm. I had the privilege of being invited by the above-mentioned trio to join them for lunch at the famous century-old hot dog haunt. The dining destination was the choice of the great- aunt, who treasures her regular visits to LCI. However, despite being a native Detroiter, this was the very first time the young rabbi had been to the iconic Coney. I got an early idea that we were in for an interesting afternoon during the car ride down, when the rabbi expressed that she was “excited about going to this restaurant. ” I immediately set the record straight that we were not going to a “restaurant. ” No disrespect to the fine family-owned business, but I don’ t even think they consider their 102-year-old establishment — that serves primarily hotdogs and chili — a restaurant. Upon arrival to LCI, we were joined by another of the trio’ s relatives, the rabbi’ s aunt, a transplanted Detroiter now living in Windsor. You want to talk chaos at the border? Just try stopping a native Detroiter hell bent on going to Lafayette Coney Island from crossing into the U.S. Once comfortably seated at one of Lafayette’ s large community-style tables, we were welcomed by one of their great veteran waiters, a seasoned pro who bellowed out each of our orders to the cook clear across the opposite side of the “restaurant. ” “One with everything, ” he yelled. Music to my ears. Anticipation for my taste buds. Four of the five orders were placed without incident. And then it was the rabbi’ s turn. She paused and asked for a … menu. At that point, you could hear a collective gasp throughout the Coney Island. I’ m surprised dishes weren’ t dropped at the utterance of “May I have a menu?” A menu, she was hoping, would include a Greek salad or vegetarian dish that would allow her to adhere to Jewish dietary laws. I believe I did hear glass break when she asked, tongue-in- cheek, about the availability of “kale. ” The only vegetarian dish she could pos- sibly hope for was if she ordered “one with everything” but hold the hotdog, chili and the bun and stick with just a plate of onions with mustard. The dialogue between the rabbi and the waiter, who spoke broken English at best, turned into a modern-day version of Abbott & Costello’ s classic Who’ s On First routine, as she tried to find some- thing that would not risk her expulsion from the rabbinate. It was a back and forth, that if only had been captured on video, would most certainly have gone viral. It looked like solid food was not going to be an option. So, running out of choices, the rabbi asked about Lafayette Coney Island’ s selection of beers that were … on tap. LCI doesn’ t have beer on tap … it has a bottle opener. “Bud, Bud Light, Miller, Miller Lite, ” said the waiter. “ Any craft beers?” asked the rabbi. To which the waiter, who I believe was himself ready for a drink, replied (loudly): “What kind of Coney do you want?!” Just when it seemed all was lost, it came down to bean soup as the rabbi’ s only hope. Upon her request, the waiter recited in great detail every ingredient to the satisfaction of the rabbi. And just when it appeared every dietary hurdle had been cleared, she said: “Wait! Is there any meat in the soup stock?” At that point, three people siting kitty corner from us, who obviously got a kick out of hearing the banter, threw up their arms in disbelief. That was immediately followed by a gentleman at an adjacent table to abruptly turn to the rabbi and, in a friendly but firm way, insist on knowing “why the (insert a mild, commonly used obscenity) did she come here in the first place?!” To which the rabbi replied in a sermo- nesque tone, “It was about being with my family. ” Boom. Drop the microphone. The rabbi nailed it. Everyone smiled. And then she took a sip of her Miller Lite as we all toasted the joy of being together. L ’ Chaim! … which I believe at Coney Island means extra onions. ■ Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, speaker, emcee and an occasional guest host on the Mitch Albom Show on WJR AM 760. Visit his website at laughwithbigal. com and “Like” Al on Facebook. views for openers Coney Island Conundrum letters Alan Muskovitz Otzma Yehudit Otzma Yehudit (Jewish Power) is a rein- carnation of Meir Kahane’ s Kach party, excluded from politics years ago for being terrorist in nature. When asked to disavow Kahane’ s racist ideology, Otzmah’ s party leader refused. That a prime minister of Israel would have any dealings with a racist party that accepts Kahane’ s ideology of rabid hate for Palestinians and their effective exclusion from any phase of everyday Israeli life, a ban on intermar- riage of any kind and the extradition of those rejecting these actions, and who believed that the citizenship of all non-Jews should be revoked is not only abhorrent but a rejection of Jewish and democratic values. The idea that the Jewish Home party would consent to a merger with such a group is even more disturbing, if that’ s possible. The last time I looked at the Ten Commandments, it never men- tions racism or xenophobia as an attri- bute acceptable to God. Imagine the screams of hypocrisy leveled not only against the State of Israel but the entire Jewish people. The fact that the prime minister would stoop so low, morally and prac- tically, to secure his re-election, to create a favorable cabinet majority and perhaps to forestall his bribery investi- gation is truly a proper definition of an impeachable event. [This] is an affront to humanity. What makes it all the worse is that it has been perpetrated by Jews. — Joel Gershenson Farmington Hills Editor’ s Note: See an op-ed on this topic on page 8.