January 10 • 2019 25
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media and smart phones,” she
says. “As parents, I think we have
not done a good job of regulating
the role of technology in our lives
and in our family lives. We find
ourselves at its mercy, and we find
our children at its mercy, and we’
re
now in a tizzy trying to reclaim our
parental role and set boundaries
on the use of an item that has its
merits but also has become an
addiction.
“We ourselves are addicted to
refreshing every page, and we’
re
lamenting how kids don’
t get
off their phones. We’
re the first
generation that has to deal with the
broad reach of our technology and
we’
re the first set of parents who
have to contend with social media
and smart phones. So, we’
re still
sorting out what’
s the right role of
media in our lives — figuring it out
the hard way.”

ON TAKEAWAYS FROM “THE TALK”
“There are things I’
ve been saying in
different ways forever, but over the
last few talks, I started encapsulating
them in a package so that people can
easily access and literally hold on to.
I call it ‘
Four, Three, Two, One.’
“The steps are on my website,
describing what any parent can start
doing or stop doing immediately
when they see themselves in the
examples I offer of overparenting.”
For example, the four steps to teach a
child any task are: Do it for me. Do it
with me. Watch me do it. I can do it.
“Three things to stop immediately:
Stop saying “we” when you really
mean your child. Stop arguing with
teachers, coaches, etc. Teach your kid
to respectfully advocate for themselves.
Stop doing their homework.

“Two things that really matter
when it comes to parenting:
chores and love.
“One: The one-week tech cleanse
to get your relationship with your
kid back on track.”

ON CHORES, YES, CHORES!
“The Harvard Grant Study — a
study underway for decades and
the longest ever conducted on
humans — showed that people who
are professionally successful in life
turned out to have done chores as
a child (or had a part-time job in
high school),” she says.
“Why? Because chores
teach a work ethic; they teach
responsibility and accountability;
they teach the mindset of “pitch
in, be useful” … Don’
t wait for
others to do the work; contribute
your effort to the betterment of the
whole.
I love telling this to audiences
— because a good 15 to 20 percent
burst into applause and the other
people look around and think, ‘
Oh,
no! I have I missed the mark.’
And
they can only imagine how to give
their kids chores now.
“It’
s that old-fashioned wisdom
that turns out to have benefits —
the very benefits we hope to accrue
to our children.” ■

The Jewish Federation-sponsored
evening with Julie Lythcott-Haims
is open to the community at no cost
thanks to the generosity of the Susie
and Norman Pappas Challenge Fund
and the Zuckerman/Klein Family
Foundation.

Vivian Henoch is editor of myjewishdetroit.org,
where this story first appeared.

“As parents, we need to know that all those
things we do ... in the attempt to give
our kids an advantage, all those things
that make us feel we’
re a good parent ...
we enable them to become forever
dependent.”

— JULIE LYTHCOTT-HAIMS

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