January 10 • 2019 25
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media and smart phones,” she 
says. “As parents, I think we have 
not done a good job of regulating 
the role of technology in our lives 
and in our family lives. We find 
ourselves at its mercy, and we find 
our children at its mercy, and we’
re 
now in a tizzy trying to reclaim our 
parental role and set boundaries 
on the use of an item that has its 
merits but also has become an 
addiction. 
“We ourselves are addicted to 
refreshing every page, and we’
re 
lamenting how kids don’
t get 
off their phones. We’
re the first 
generation that has to deal with the 
broad reach of our technology and 
we’
re the first set of parents who 
have to contend with social media 
and smart phones. So, we’
re still 
sorting out what’
s the right role of 
media in our lives — figuring it out 
the hard way.”

ON TAKEAWAYS FROM “THE TALK”
“There are things I’
ve been saying in 
different ways forever, but over the 
last few talks, I started encapsulating 
them in a package so that people can 
easily access and literally hold on to. 
I call it ‘
Four, Three, Two, One.’
“The steps are on my website, 
describing what any parent can start 
doing or stop doing immediately 
when they see themselves in the 
examples I offer of overparenting.” 
For example, the four steps to teach a 
child any task are: Do it for me. Do it 
with me. Watch me do it. I can do it.
“Three things to stop immediately: 
Stop saying “we” when you really 
mean your child. Stop arguing with 
teachers, coaches, etc. Teach your kid 
to respectfully advocate for themselves. 
Stop doing their homework.

“Two things that really matter 
when it comes to parenting: 
chores and love.
“One: The one-week tech cleanse 
to get your relationship with your 
kid back on track.”

ON CHORES, YES, CHORES!
“The Harvard Grant Study — a 
study underway for decades and 
the longest ever conducted on 
humans — showed that people who 
are professionally successful in life 
turned out to have done chores as 
a child (or had a part-time job in 
high school),” she says.
“Why? Because chores 
teach a work ethic; they teach 
responsibility and accountability; 
they teach the mindset of “pitch 
in, be useful” … Don’
t wait for 
others to do the work; contribute 
your effort to the betterment of the 
whole.
I love telling this to audiences 
— because a good 15 to 20 percent 
burst into applause and the other 
people look around and think, ‘
Oh, 
no! I have I missed the mark.’
 And 
they can only imagine how to give 
their kids chores now.
“It’
s that old-fashioned wisdom 
that turns out to have benefits — 
the very benefits we hope to accrue 
to our children.” ■

The Jewish Federation-sponsored 
evening with Julie Lythcott-Haims 
is open to the community at no cost 
thanks to the generosity of the Susie 
and Norman Pappas Challenge Fund 
and the Zuckerman/Klein Family 
Foundation. 

Vivian Henoch is editor of myjewishdetroit.org, 
where this story first appeared.

“As parents, we need to know that all those 
things we do ... in the attempt to give 
our kids an advantage, all those things 
that make us feel we’
re a good parent ... 
we enable them to become forever 
dependent.”

— JULIE LYTHCOTT-HAIMS

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