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Parent To
Parent:

Learning from
your kids.

Island Aid

Y

ou are going to miss
this.”
I can’t tell you how
many well-intended relatives
said this to me at a recent
family wedding as I watched
my children on the dance
floor.
But I struggled to see it. I didn’t
see happy, smiling chil-
dren dressed in their
fanciest clothes having
a blast being silly and
dancing. All I could see
was the battle that took
place hours earlier to
get them dressed, to
cajole them into those
tights. I saw the time and Erica Saum
aggravation of searching
for a bow that matched
my youngest daughter’s
dress perfectly.
I was exhausted
from traveling and worrying about
whether my three young girls would
behave during the ceremony. And
when more relatives chimed in with
“they’re so cute at this age,” those
words entered my ears and went
straight to my heart, landing per-
fectly where the guilt of every mom
lives. Why couldn’t I just enjoy this
moment? Why couldn’t I see it the
way others did?
It goes without saying that I love
my children more than life itself. But
raising kids is hard. Being a parent
is hard. Balancing work and family,
the wants and needs, the fun and
responsibilities — all of it — can
be hard. As parents, it is our job to
nurture, support and raise a produc-
tive human being. But how do we
teach young minds to find balance
in their world of scheduled activities,
academics and competitive sports
when as parents we are struggling
ourselves?
As a mental health professional,
I know the benefits of seeking out
support, asking for help, looking to
others for guidance. Yet as a par-
ent, I have high expectations to
figure it out on my own. It took me
some time to realize the irony. And
although I am not fully there — as
evidenced by my thoughts at the
wedding — the gap in the irony is
starting to decrease.
It all started when I asked my chil-

18

December 28 • 2017

jn

Bat mitzvah project helps raise funds for Dominica.

SUZANNE CHESSLER CONTRIBUTING WRITER

dren a simple question at the end of
the day: What didn’t go well today?
(For the record, this isn’t the
first question I ask; that would
be: What are three great things
that happened today?)
It felt odd, at first, to ask this
question. I didn’t want my kids
to focus on the negative. But
I persisted. Why? Because I
want them to recognize that in
a world of Pinterest-planned
projects, happy Facebook sta-
tuses and Instagram-perfect
pictures, real life is also about
struggling, learning and get-
ting back up again. Maybe they
could do something differently the
next time they forget their home-
work folder. Maybe they can say
something when they see a friend
being left out.
Maybe I can learn to ask for help
with carpool rather than trying to
be supermom. Or ask for support
when my middle daughter’s anxiety
impacts our family.
After all, if I ask my children what
didn’t go well for them, shouldn’t I
be able to ask myself the same ques-
tion? What didn’t I do well today?
How can I improve next time?
Sometimes the answer lies in the
truth that I need a little help from
others — and that is OK. Because
accepting that help may make it
easier for me to appreciate the good
instead of focusing on the bad.
Accepting help — achieving bal-
ance — may make it possible for me
to focus not on my daughter’s tears
as I brushed her hair or her sister’s
whining that she didn’t want to wear
tights, but on the scene before me:
my three amazing and lovely girls,
twirling in their fancy dresses, grin-
ning ear to ear and having the time
of their lives on that dance floor.
I’m going to miss this. •

Erica Saum is the tired, but oh so blessed
mother of three, wife to an amazing husband
and senior director of Family Life & Wellness
with Jewish Family Service.

A

liyah Lofman’s bat mitzvah proj-
ect brought about a bitter-sweet
concert.
The bitter had to do with the purpose
of the concert — the need for help in
Dominica because of devastating hur-
ricanes. The sweet had to do with all the
support achieved through the event.
The concert Nov. 12 in Ferndale
raised more than $1,200. The con-
nection with the island began more
than 20 years ago through Aliyah’s
parents, Andrew and Elana Lofman of
Farmington Hills.

ABOVE: Aliyah and Sami Lofman at the concert.
TOP: Children in Dominica with gifts made
possible by the fundraiser.

Two weeks after they were married
in 1995, they headed for Dominica,
where he would pursue medical studies
for two years and she would complete
an independent project to finish bach-
elor’s degree requirements at Wayne
State University.
The times were very happy, and the
couple made many friends. They got to
know the beauty of the beaches and the
thrill of scuba diving, especially impor-
tant for her as an exercise physiologist.
Over the next 20 years and while
raising three children, the Lofmans
liked to tell about island experiences
and show treasured photos. Their chil-
dren — Sami, Adin and Aliyah — were
fascinated by the remote living and
wanted to experience the island for
themselves.
In 2015, the Lofman family ventured

to Dominica and arranged to stay more
closely in touch with Dominicans they
knew well. Then this year, there were
Hurricanes Irma and Maria.
“We learned how desperate our
friends were, and we sent a carton
filled with food and hygiene supplies,”
Elana says. “We hoped it helped a little
and wanted to do more for the island
that had total destruction of its agri-
cultural products and massive damage
to its buildings.
“Aliyah’s bat mitzvah is taking place in
January, and she quickly thought rais-
ing money for Dominica could be an
important mitzvah project. The rest of
us wanted to join in.
“We came up with the idea of a fund-
raising concert and worked with Detroit
Fleat in Ferndale, which promised
a percentage of food service proceeds as
donations. Entertainers provided their
talents free of charge, and we suggested
$10 admission fees but welcomed any
amount.”
The entertainment roster featured
Sami, 16, a singer-songwriter known
by her stage name, Sami Mei. Adin, 14,
played guitar as the two performed a
song they wrote together.
Also on the program were Barelyon,
Holly Bernt, Lia K. Catallo, Greater
Alexander, Emma Guzman, Kincer
Studio Artists, Audra Kubat, Marbrisa,
Anthony Retka and Emily Rose.
“As I become a bat mitzvah, I have
learned through my Jewish education
that helping others in need is a big part
of our religion,” says Aliyah, a student
at Hillel Day School. “It makes me feel
great to help the people of Dominica
whose lives were so horribly affected
by the hurricanes, especially the people
known personally by my family.”
While Elana took care of the concert
arrangements, Andrew added his ideas
and encouragement.
“I am so proud that Aliyah — along
with her sister and brother — wanted
to help the people of Dominica in this
way,” Andrew says. •

To donate, go to gofundme.com/dominicarebuild.