jews d in the Parent To Parent: Learning from your kids. Island Aid Y ou are going to miss this.” I can’t tell you how many well-intended relatives said this to me at a recent family wedding as I watched my children on the dance floor. But I struggled to see it. I didn’t see happy, smiling chil- dren dressed in their fanciest clothes having a blast being silly and dancing. All I could see was the battle that took place hours earlier to get them dressed, to cajole them into those tights. I saw the time and Erica Saum aggravation of searching for a bow that matched my youngest daughter’s dress perfectly. I was exhausted from traveling and worrying about whether my three young girls would behave during the ceremony. And when more relatives chimed in with “they’re so cute at this age,” those words entered my ears and went straight to my heart, landing per- fectly where the guilt of every mom lives. Why couldn’t I just enjoy this moment? Why couldn’t I see it the way others did? It goes without saying that I love my children more than life itself. But raising kids is hard. Being a parent is hard. Balancing work and family, the wants and needs, the fun and responsibilities — all of it — can be hard. As parents, it is our job to nurture, support and raise a produc- tive human being. But how do we teach young minds to find balance in their world of scheduled activities, academics and competitive sports when as parents we are struggling ourselves? As a mental health professional, I know the benefits of seeking out support, asking for help, looking to others for guidance. Yet as a par- ent, I have high expectations to figure it out on my own. It took me some time to realize the irony. And although I am not fully there — as evidenced by my thoughts at the wedding — the gap in the irony is starting to decrease. It all started when I asked my chil- 18 December 28 • 2017 jn Bat mitzvah project helps raise funds for Dominica. SUZANNE CHESSLER CONTRIBUTING WRITER dren a simple question at the end of the day: What didn’t go well today? (For the record, this isn’t the first question I ask; that would be: What are three great things that happened today?) It felt odd, at first, to ask this question. I didn’t want my kids to focus on the negative. But I persisted. Why? Because I want them to recognize that in a world of Pinterest-planned projects, happy Facebook sta- tuses and Instagram-perfect pictures, real life is also about struggling, learning and get- ting back up again. Maybe they could do something differently the next time they forget their home- work folder. Maybe they can say something when they see a friend being left out. Maybe I can learn to ask for help with carpool rather than trying to be supermom. Or ask for support when my middle daughter’s anxiety impacts our family. After all, if I ask my children what didn’t go well for them, shouldn’t I be able to ask myself the same ques- tion? What didn’t I do well today? How can I improve next time? Sometimes the answer lies in the truth that I need a little help from others — and that is OK. Because accepting that help may make it easier for me to appreciate the good instead of focusing on the bad. Accepting help — achieving bal- ance — may make it possible for me to focus not on my daughter’s tears as I brushed her hair or her sister’s whining that she didn’t want to wear tights, but on the scene before me: my three amazing and lovely girls, twirling in their fancy dresses, grin- ning ear to ear and having the time of their lives on that dance floor. I’m going to miss this. • Erica Saum is the tired, but oh so blessed mother of three, wife to an amazing husband and senior director of Family Life & Wellness with Jewish Family Service. A liyah Lofman’s bat mitzvah proj- ect brought about a bitter-sweet concert. The bitter had to do with the purpose of the concert — the need for help in Dominica because of devastating hur- ricanes. The sweet had to do with all the support achieved through the event. The concert Nov. 12 in Ferndale raised more than $1,200. The con- nection with the island began more than 20 years ago through Aliyah’s parents, Andrew and Elana Lofman of Farmington Hills. ABOVE: Aliyah and Sami Lofman at the concert. TOP: Children in Dominica with gifts made possible by the fundraiser. Two weeks after they were married in 1995, they headed for Dominica, where he would pursue medical studies for two years and she would complete an independent project to finish bach- elor’s degree requirements at Wayne State University. The times were very happy, and the couple made many friends. They got to know the beauty of the beaches and the thrill of scuba diving, especially impor- tant for her as an exercise physiologist. Over the next 20 years and while raising three children, the Lofmans liked to tell about island experiences and show treasured photos. Their chil- dren — Sami, Adin and Aliyah — were fascinated by the remote living and wanted to experience the island for themselves. In 2015, the Lofman family ventured to Dominica and arranged to stay more closely in touch with Dominicans they knew well. Then this year, there were Hurricanes Irma and Maria. “We learned how desperate our friends were, and we sent a carton filled with food and hygiene supplies,” Elana says. “We hoped it helped a little and wanted to do more for the island that had total destruction of its agri- cultural products and massive damage to its buildings. “Aliyah’s bat mitzvah is taking place in January, and she quickly thought rais- ing money for Dominica could be an important mitzvah project. The rest of us wanted to join in. “We came up with the idea of a fund- raising concert and worked with Detroit Fleat in Ferndale, which promised a percentage of food service proceeds as donations. Entertainers provided their talents free of charge, and we suggested $10 admission fees but welcomed any amount.” The entertainment roster featured Sami, 16, a singer-songwriter known by her stage name, Sami Mei. Adin, 14, played guitar as the two performed a song they wrote together. Also on the program were Barelyon, Holly Bernt, Lia K. Catallo, Greater Alexander, Emma Guzman, Kincer Studio Artists, Audra Kubat, Marbrisa, Anthony Retka and Emily Rose. “As I become a bat mitzvah, I have learned through my Jewish education that helping others in need is a big part of our religion,” says Aliyah, a student at Hillel Day School. “It makes me feel great to help the people of Dominica whose lives were so horribly affected by the hurricanes, especially the people known personally by my family.” While Elana took care of the concert arrangements, Andrew added his ideas and encouragement. “I am so proud that Aliyah — along with her sister and brother — wanted to help the people of Dominica in this way,” Andrew says. • To donate, go to gofundme.com/dominicarebuild.