family focus » f a m il y co u nsel in g

Who Are You Close To?

S

ocial media can make us feel
fully. Parents who provide essential
close to anyone; closeness no
guidance will have children who feel
longer requires being physically encouraged and will strive to work up to
near. Relatives or friends can live far
their potential.
away and still feel close.
Sibling rivalries put closeness to the
Conversely, there are those
test, as Cain and Abel, Esau and
to whom you are physically
Jacob, and Joseph and his broth-
near — in the same city or
ers inform us. Siblings who are
even in your home — yet, you
close in age may share common
may not feel close to them at
interests like sports, friends and
all.
hobbies. However, competition
What does it really mean to
for grades, awards or champion-
be close to someone?
ships, among other things, can
One indicator of closeness
undermine closeness.
is trust. Is there someone in
An older child, especially
Daniel
whom you can confide when
where
there is a large age dispar-
Rosenbaum,
you are upset, undecided or
ity,
can
choose to be either an
Ph.D., LMSW
uncertain? Trust involves
ally or competitor, encouraging
mutual feelings of respect
closeness or distance. The for-
and support — but it does have limits,
mer creates lifetime bonds, while the lat-
especially when it comes to giving or
ter can create irreparable acrimony and
receiving advice. Closeness doesn’t
estrangement.
obligate someone to accept your advice.
A true measure of closeness can be
Conversely, if you do accept advice,
seen between longtime friends. They
maturity means not blaming the other
may feel as close or closer than they do
person if the advice doesn’t work out.
to their own families. Even after years
Family closeness means sharing
apart, when old friends re-engage, it is as
both the fun and the painful times. It
if no time has passed.
is easy to enjoy major family occasions
Pressures to maintain closeness
like graduations, bar/bat mitzvahs or
may be exerted long after people have
weddings, or lesser events like birthday
relinquished their roles in others’ lives.
parties, recitals or holiday dinners. But
Friends lose touch for a variety of rea-
when tragedy or trauma hits, closeness is sons — they move away, their social
tested. Crises can create conflicts, anger
status changes or there may be unre-
or resentment that damage the relation-
solved arguments. Serious problems, like
ship’s closeness. Closeness demands
substance abuse, neglect or disgruntle-
that these feelings be acknowledged and
ment over different life trajectories, may
then resolved so they don’t disrupt the
be indicators the relationship is beyond
closeness of the family — even to future
recovery. Giving up on someone after so
generations.
many years can be incredibly difficult.
In some families, everyone is expected
Be honest about your relationships to
to appear close to everyone else; it’s a
avoid breaking families or friendships
family imperative. From an early age,
apart. When closeness is lost, seek clo-
we are told to say we love our snarky
sure, if possible. Allowing everyone to
cousin or demanding grandparent. We
move on reduces the frustration about
acquiesce to that detested kiss or pinch
the loss of a relationship.
on the cheek.
Shared experiences give us the oppor-
Feigning love may preserve family
tunity to improve closeness, which is
closeness in the short run, but learning
essential to the survival of all kinds of
to express real love is more important.
relationships. It’s what makes life worth
Expressing tolerance is as important as
living.
expressing love, such as when confronted
Dr. Daniel Rosenbaum is a clinical social worker
with the opinions or choices of others.
This can truly test one’s ability to sustain at Counseling Associates Inc. in West Bloomfield,
where he counsels children, teens and adults
closeness.
experiencing family or personal psychological
Children feel closest to parents who
problems.
help them develop and thrive success-

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August 18 • 2016

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