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Burdensome Secret

DETROIT

S

fine
art
APPRAISALS

Debra
Darvick

DetroitFAA.com 248.672.3207

Terri Stearn, senior appraiser and owner has over 20 years as an art historian, gallery
director, curator, and avid art collector. She is certified in the USPAP government standards
for appraising personal property and member of The American Society of Appraisers.

Detroit’s premier independent
fine art appraisal services

2030870

end your
questions to
deardebra@
renmedia.us or look
for an anonymous
question submission
form on Debra’s online
column at www.
thejewishnews.com.

DEAR DEBRA,
My wife was recently diagnosed with
breast cancer and has begun treatment.
She has forbidden me from telling our
friends or any members of my family
about what has happened. Only two of
her family members know.
Her insistence on secrecy is growing
increasingly difficult for me. When fam-
ily members ask why we are not accept-
ing invitations, I mumble a white lie.
My wife’s need for secrecy is isolating
me at a time when we could both use
the support and love from our friends
and family. How can I convince her that
a cancer diagnosis shouldn’t be treated
as a state secret?

— Isolated

DEAR ISOLATED,
I spoke to Wendy Goldberg, MSN,
APRN, BC, a nurse practitioner at the
Josephine Ford Cancer Institute of Henry
Ford Health System, for insights into
how to best advise you. She explained to
me that there are typically three overlap-
ping reasons for this kind of “news black-
out” that some cancer patients insist
on: threatened sense of security and
heightened vulnerability; fear of being
seen as no longer competent (usually felt
by those whom Goldberg described as
“high performers” for whom an image of
inviolable success is paramount in their
professional world); and those who insist
on secrecy under the mistaken belief that
others will avoid them for fear of “catch-
ing” the cancer or wanting to avoid sick
people.
“While each person’s story is unique,”
Goldberg explained, “the issues of vul-
nerability, diminishment and contamina-
tion get bundled together, and people
create a story as justification for their
demand for secrecy.”
Working with her patients, Goldberg
helps them uncover what fears have led
them to impose a news blackout and
then helps couples recognize the aspects
of their relationship that make them
strong as well as vulnerable. Is your wife
afraid to let your family know because
they might call every day, which could
be an intrusion? How do you and your
spouse’s definition of “sharing” differ?

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42 August 18 • 2016

Goldberg also discussed where in
the trajectory a couple is and how that
impacts when and how much they
choose to share with others.
“If the person has just received the
news, she needs time to process what
has happened. But certainly [by the time
treatment has begun] the spouse should
not be left stranded without emotional or
practical support … Being the caregiver
is emotionally and physically draining.”
Above all, Goldberg said, “Don’t give
everything away to the cancer. Your roles
haven’t changed. You are there to care for
one another just as you did before the
diagnosis. Ultimately, the partner who is
the caregiver must have at least one per-
son or place to take his/her thoughts and
feelings. The couple can work together
to find a way for both to feel comfortable
sharing the news; but, ultimately, the
patient’s choice for absolute privacy can-
not be imposed upon the partner.”

DEAR DEBRA,
I just learned that I am pregnant and
am overjoyed. My cousin, with whom I
am very close, believes in living a natural
life, which for her means not vaccinating
her children. I am appalled and don’t
know how to respond to her excitement
about having our children play together
one day. Until our child will be fully
immunized, I do not want her children
anywhere near my baby. How do I say
this without seeming rude?

— Pro-Vaccine Mom

DEAR PROVACCINE,
Rude schmood. You are in charge when
it comes to your child’s safety. You have
every right — and the responsibility —
to be sure your child’s health is protected
from the diseases these vaccinations
were developed to prevent.
Next time Cuz starts bubbling about
playtime, simply say, “That sounds great!
When baby’s vaccinations are all up to
date, it will be great to have them play.”
Then change the subject. No discussion.
Your pediatrician can provide infor-
mation about the practicalities of pro-
tecting your baby until her shots are up
to date as well as help you frame your
answers to the anti-vax moms you meet
along the way. You’ll also want to talk to
your pediatrician for guidance in mak-
ing sure doulas, baby nurses and any
others who will be caring for your child
are up to date with their vaccinations.
CDC.gov can also supply you with good
resources and information.

Read about Dear Debra’s latest venture ,
pictureaconversation.com, on page 40.