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After A Personal Tragedy, Perspectives Evolve
O
n July 17, 2006, my brother, Jeff
tives.
Grey, was killed in a tragic acci-
Through my own personal work, I learned
dent while working as director of to practice shifting to the present moment.
Tamarack Camps’ Camp Kennedy. He was on I started to do check-ins to assess what was
a canoe trip with campers. That night a tree
really true in each moment for me. I defi-
fell on his tent and took his life. He
nitely missed my brother, but began
was 26.
to have awareness around the fact that
Over the past decade, I have
I was not in pain at every moment.
experienced many different per-
I allowed myself to be present and
spectives surrounding my brother’s
began noticing positive feelings bub-
death. Initially, I found myself in
bling up in my life.
the devastation perspective. I felt
Sometimes I fall into the “what-if ”
waves of excruciating pain shoot-
perspective. What if Jeff ’s tent was 10
ing through my body. I cried with
feet to the right? What would Jeff be
Emily Grey
an abundance of tears that were
doing in his life now? I think about
Berman
accessible at all times. I was often
what it would be like for my children
zombie-like and could barely
to know him. I try not to go there, but
function internally. During these dark days, I it happens. In the place of what-if, I also ques-
could not imagine it was possible to be in any tion: Would I be as grateful as I am now if I
place other than devastation.
hadn’t experienced such a deep loss? Would
During the first few years after Jeff was
I be as happy, healthy, connected or spiritual
killed, I found myself fluctuating between
as I am now? I consciously choose not to
the devastation and the resilient perspective.
stay in the what-if perspective for too long. I
When I lived from a place of resilience, I was
have found this place does not serve me and
putting one foot in front of the other, forging
quickly return to the present moment.
ahead and found myself able to go through
Over the years, I came to a deep under-
the motions of each day. I got out of bed,
standing around having conscious choice in
exercised, went to work and even socialized.
the perspectives I stood in around this loss.
But I felt numb to life. I was either resilient
Eventually, I was easily able to shift my per-
or falling back into devastation. I had surren- spective to gratitude. In this place, I am truly
dered to the idea that this is the way my life
touched by what is real in my life now rather
would be. I felt stuck.
than being defined by what my life once was.
Eventually, the resilient perspective left
Choosing gratitude does not mean I don’t
me feeling hungry for more out of my life. I
experience sadness or emptiness at times. It
coveted happiness and joy. I began seeking
means I can be grateful for all of my feelings
for connection within myself and in my life,
and experiences because they are uniquely
and slowly made a conscious shift around the mine. At times, I find I am standing in the
realization that I had choice in my perspec-
joy perspective. From here, I am genuinely
connected to the abun-
dance of bliss, humor
and beauty around me.
Over the past 10
years since Jeff ’s death,
Jeff Grey, 1979-2006
these perspectives have
marked my experience
and, ultimately, my
growth. I learned that while perspectives are
something that seem to just be a part of who
we are, it is possible to consciously choose
a perspective and regain a sense of control
over life again. This is a particularly powerful
lesson when experiencing tragedy, loss and
the accompanying grief. Today, I choose pres-
ence, abundance and gratitude.
*
Emily Grey Berman is a personal empowerment life
coach who guides others on their journeys to self-
discovery, happiness and desires to live fulfilled lives
(www.coachingwithemily.com).
Remembering Jeff
A weekend of remembrance for Jeff
Grey will be held July 15-17, starting
with a 6 p.m. Shabbat dinner at Temple
Israel in West Bloomfield. From 6-10 p.m.
Saturday, July 16, at Bowl One in Troy,
there will be bowling, storytelling, music
and food at a fundraiser for the BBYO Jeff
Grey Memorial Fund (bbyo.org/
jeffgreymemorialfund/). From noon-3
p.m. Sunday, July 17, a Jeff Grey Campfire
Circle will be held at Tamarack Camps in
Ortonville. Bring a picnic lunch. Singing,
storytelling and swimming. RSVP by July
8: http://bit.ly/23aJc8I.
Dealing With Unexpected Grief And Loss
T
6 June 23 • 2016
F. Kevin Browett
Chief Operating Officer
kbrowett@renmedia.us
| Editorial
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Contributing Editor: Robert Sklar
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Contributing Writers:
Ruthan Brodsky, Suzanne Chessler, Annabel Cohen,
Don Cohen, Shari S. Cohen, Shelli Liebman Dorfman,
Adam Finkel, Ryan Fishman, Stacy Gittleman, Judy
Greenwald, Ronelle Grier, Esther Allweiss Ingber,
Harry Kirsbaum, Barbara Lewis, Rabbi Jason Miller,
Alan Muskovitz, Robin Schwartz, Steve Stein
| Creative Services
guest column
he evening news has recently been
out-of-control and overwhelmed with pain.
dominated by stories of unexpected
Those who experience unexpected loss
loss, and these tragedies continue to
may feel angry by the sudden death, cheated
make headlines every day. The tragedy in
of a last goodbye or sad that they didn’t per-
Orlando is the most recent national event
form some final act of kindness before their
that has thrust our communities into
loved one died. Missing out on
grieving.
saying goodbye can leave us feel-
For those of us who work with
ing distressed, adrift and angry,
patients and families facing death
which only adds to our grief, pain
every day, adding the national grief
and sadness during an already
of an unanticipated tragedy is all
difficult time.
the more unsettling. We all share a
Although it may be hard to
common thread with the victims in
imagine during the months and
Orlando and their loved ones — when
even years after a sudden death,
Bob Cahill
someone loses a life unexpectedly,
it’s important to remember that
family and friends are left to cope
surviving through grief and loss is
with the loss of someone whom they loved
possible. While everyone grieves differently,
dearly.
ultimately we each work through the pain to
Experiencing the loss of a loved one is
begin the healing process.
always challenging, but a sudden loss can
As we go through a grief journey, it’s
be shocking and even unimaginable. In the
important to also focus on our health and
back of our minds, we understand that no
emotions. After a loss, we may find ourselves
one lives forever. When someone we love
eating or sleeping less; but both are key
has a terminal illness or has reached the
to healing. We should also be honest with
end-stages of their life, we have time to make ourselves and deal with our emotions —
preparations and say our goodbyes. However, repressing feelings only delays the grieving
an untimely death can leave us feeling lost,
process. Crying doesn’t mean we are weak or
Arthur M. Horwitz
Publisher / Executive Editor
ahorwitz@renmedia.us
Corporate Creative Director: Deborah Schultz
dschultz@renmedia.us
| Advertising Sales
Sales Director: Keith Farber
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| Detroit Jewish News
Chairman: Michael H. Steinhardt
President/Publisher: Arthur M. Horwitz
ahorwitz@renmedia.us
Chief Operating Officer: F. Kevin Browett
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| Fulfillment
that we’re being selfish; it means that we are
human.
Support groups and counselors are valu-
able resources for those who have experi-
enced a loss. They can be found through
faith-based organizations such as churches
or synagogues, community centers or non-
profit community-based support and grief
programs. Many programs are tailored to
specific needs such as dealing with an unex-
pected loss and are often low-cost or free.
The comprehensive grief support services
provided through Hospice of Michigan
across the state of Michigan are always pro-
vided to the community at no cost, whether
or not the person has had a loved one use its
hospice or palliative care services for adults
or children.
Ultimately, it’s important to keep that
loved one close to your heart and honor him
or her by living a fulfilling life. During the
difficult times following an unexpected loss,
we can find comfort by trusting that the per-
son we loved would want us to live our lives
to the fullest.
*
Bob Cahill is president and CEO of Hospice of Michigan.
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