viewpoints » S end letters to: letters@thejewishnews.com DETROIT JEWISH NEWS guest column theJEWISHNEWS.com After A Personal Tragedy, Perspectives Evolve O n July 17, 2006, my brother, Jeff tives. Grey, was killed in a tragic acci- Through my own personal work, I learned dent while working as director of to practice shifting to the present moment. Tamarack Camps’ Camp Kennedy. He was on I started to do check-ins to assess what was a canoe trip with campers. That night a tree really true in each moment for me. I defi- fell on his tent and took his life. He nitely missed my brother, but began was 26. to have awareness around the fact that Over the past decade, I have I was not in pain at every moment. experienced many different per- I allowed myself to be present and spectives surrounding my brother’s began noticing positive feelings bub- death. Initially, I found myself in bling up in my life. the devastation perspective. I felt Sometimes I fall into the “what-if ” waves of excruciating pain shoot- perspective. What if Jeff ’s tent was 10 ing through my body. I cried with feet to the right? What would Jeff be Emily Grey an abundance of tears that were doing in his life now? I think about Berman accessible at all times. I was often what it would be like for my children zombie-like and could barely to know him. I try not to go there, but function internally. During these dark days, I it happens. In the place of what-if, I also ques- could not imagine it was possible to be in any tion: Would I be as grateful as I am now if I place other than devastation. hadn’t experienced such a deep loss? Would During the first few years after Jeff was I be as happy, healthy, connected or spiritual killed, I found myself fluctuating between as I am now? I consciously choose not to the devastation and the resilient perspective. stay in the what-if perspective for too long. I When I lived from a place of resilience, I was have found this place does not serve me and putting one foot in front of the other, forging quickly return to the present moment. ahead and found myself able to go through Over the years, I came to a deep under- the motions of each day. I got out of bed, standing around having conscious choice in exercised, went to work and even socialized. the perspectives I stood in around this loss. But I felt numb to life. I was either resilient Eventually, I was easily able to shift my per- or falling back into devastation. I had surren- spective to gratitude. In this place, I am truly dered to the idea that this is the way my life touched by what is real in my life now rather would be. I felt stuck. than being defined by what my life once was. Eventually, the resilient perspective left Choosing gratitude does not mean I don’t me feeling hungry for more out of my life. I experience sadness or emptiness at times. It coveted happiness and joy. I began seeking means I can be grateful for all of my feelings for connection within myself and in my life, and experiences because they are uniquely and slowly made a conscious shift around the mine. At times, I find I am standing in the realization that I had choice in my perspec- joy perspective. From here, I am genuinely connected to the abun- dance of bliss, humor and beauty around me. Over the past 10 years since Jeff ’s death, Jeff Grey, 1979-2006 these perspectives have marked my experience and, ultimately, my growth. I learned that while perspectives are something that seem to just be a part of who we are, it is possible to consciously choose a perspective and regain a sense of control over life again. This is a particularly powerful lesson when experiencing tragedy, loss and the accompanying grief. Today, I choose pres- ence, abundance and gratitude. * Emily Grey Berman is a personal empowerment life coach who guides others on their journeys to self- discovery, happiness and desires to live fulfilled lives (www.coachingwithemily.com). Remembering Jeff A weekend of remembrance for Jeff Grey will be held July 15-17, starting with a 6 p.m. Shabbat dinner at Temple Israel in West Bloomfield. From 6-10 p.m. Saturday, July 16, at Bowl One in Troy, there will be bowling, storytelling, music and food at a fundraiser for the BBYO Jeff Grey Memorial Fund (bbyo.org/ jeffgreymemorialfund/). From noon-3 p.m. Sunday, July 17, a Jeff Grey Campfire Circle will be held at Tamarack Camps in Ortonville. Bring a picnic lunch. Singing, storytelling and swimming. RSVP by July 8: http://bit.ly/23aJc8I. Dealing With Unexpected Grief And Loss T 6 June 23 • 2016 F. Kevin Browett Chief Operating Officer kbrowett@renmedia.us | Editorial Managing Editor: Jackie Headapohl jheadapohl@renmedia.us Story Development Editor: Keri Guten Cohen kcohen@thejewishnews.com Arts & Life Editor: Lynne Konstantin lkonstantin@renmedia.us Senior Copy Editor: David Sachs dsachs@renmedia.us Editorial Assistant: Sy Manello smanello@renmedia.us Senior Columnist: Danny Raskin dannyraskin@sbcglobal.net Contributing Editor: Robert Sklar rsklar@renmedia.us Contributing Writers: Ruthan Brodsky, Suzanne Chessler, Annabel Cohen, Don Cohen, Shari S. Cohen, Shelli Liebman Dorfman, Adam Finkel, Ryan Fishman, Stacy Gittleman, Judy Greenwald, Ronelle Grier, Esther Allweiss Ingber, Harry Kirsbaum, Barbara Lewis, Rabbi Jason Miller, Alan Muskovitz, Robin Schwartz, Steve Stein | Creative Services guest column he evening news has recently been out-of-control and overwhelmed with pain. dominated by stories of unexpected Those who experience unexpected loss loss, and these tragedies continue to may feel angry by the sudden death, cheated make headlines every day. The tragedy in of a last goodbye or sad that they didn’t per- Orlando is the most recent national event form some final act of kindness before their that has thrust our communities into loved one died. Missing out on grieving. saying goodbye can leave us feel- For those of us who work with ing distressed, adrift and angry, patients and families facing death which only adds to our grief, pain every day, adding the national grief and sadness during an already of an unanticipated tragedy is all difficult time. the more unsettling. We all share a Although it may be hard to common thread with the victims in imagine during the months and Orlando and their loved ones — when even years after a sudden death, Bob Cahill someone loses a life unexpectedly, it’s important to remember that family and friends are left to cope surviving through grief and loss is with the loss of someone whom they loved possible. While everyone grieves differently, dearly. ultimately we each work through the pain to Experiencing the loss of a loved one is begin the healing process. always challenging, but a sudden loss can As we go through a grief journey, it’s be shocking and even unimaginable. In the important to also focus on our health and back of our minds, we understand that no emotions. After a loss, we may find ourselves one lives forever. When someone we love eating or sleeping less; but both are key has a terminal illness or has reached the to healing. We should also be honest with end-stages of their life, we have time to make ourselves and deal with our emotions — preparations and say our goodbyes. However, repressing feelings only delays the grieving an untimely death can leave us feeling lost, process. Crying doesn’t mean we are weak or Arthur M. Horwitz Publisher / Executive Editor ahorwitz@renmedia.us Corporate Creative Director: Deborah Schultz dschultz@renmedia.us | Advertising Sales Sales Director: Keith Farber kfarber@renmedia.us Account Executives : Kathryn Andros, Wendy Flusty, Andrea Gusho, Annette Kizy, Paige Lustig Sales Manager Assistants : Joelle Harder, Karen Marzolf | Business Offices Billing Coordinator: Pamela Turner Collections Analyst: Hazel Bender | Production By FARAGO & ASSOCIATES Manager: Scott Drzewiecki Designers: Amy Pollard, Pam Sherevan, Michelle Sheridan, Susan Walker | Detroit Jewish News Chairman: Michael H. Steinhardt President/Publisher: Arthur M. Horwitz ahorwitz@renmedia.us Chief Operating Officer: F. Kevin Browett kbrowett@renmedia.us Controller: Craig R. Phipps Corporate Creative Director: Deborah Schultz dschultz@renmedia.us | Fulfillment that we’re being selfish; it means that we are human. Support groups and counselors are valu- able resources for those who have experi- enced a loss. They can be found through faith-based organizations such as churches or synagogues, community centers or non- profit community-based support and grief programs. Many programs are tailored to specific needs such as dealing with an unex- pected loss and are often low-cost or free. The comprehensive grief support services provided through Hospice of Michigan across the state of Michigan are always pro- vided to the community at no cost, whether or not the person has had a loved one use its hospice or palliative care services for adults or children. Ultimately, it’s important to keep that loved one close to your heart and honor him or her by living a fulfilling life. During the difficult times following an unexpected loss, we can find comfort by trusting that the per- son we loved would want us to live our lives to the fullest. * Bob Cahill is president and CEO of Hospice of Michigan. circulationdesk@thejewishnews.com Customer Service Manager: Zena Davis | Departments General Offi ces: 248-354-6060 Advertising: 248-351-5107 Advertising Fax: 248-304-0049 Circulation: 248-351-5174 Classifi ed Ads: 248-351-5116 Advertising Deadline: Monday, 2 p.m. Editorial Fax: 248-304-8885 Deadline: All public and social announcements must be typewritten and received by noon Tuesday, nine days prior to desired date of publication. 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