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Authority
vs. Alliances
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N
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GALS
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ORCHARD MALL • WEST BLOOMFIELD, MI
ORCHARD LAKE ROAD • NORTH OF MaPLE
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AUTHENTIC CHINESE CUISINE
MIDTOWN
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Detroit, Michigan 48201
UPTOWN
6407 Orchard Lake Road
(15 Mile & Orchard Lake)
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36 December 3 2015
JN
e are raised to respect
their child's respect.
authority figures, whether
Parents can form alliances with their
they are teachers, bosses,
children to improve family connected-
leaders or parents. Authority imposes its
ness and reduce family tensions; these
will without having to defend its actions.
must be reciprocal. Allied with their
We take authority's control for granted,
children, parents have less need to
as few of us have sufficient power to
impose authority to gain compliance
counter it. If we try, we may
and are more amenable to
face serious repercussions so
accommodating their children's
we are reticent to challenge
needs. When children ally with
authority. Rather, we defer our
parents, chores get done around
resentment by acting passively,
the home with greater willing-
postponing our response or not
ness, increasing the likelihood
acting at all.
that parents will acquiesce to a
There are different ways to
child's request for more respon-
avoid succumbing to authority.
sibility.
The most effective is to form
Spouses can exert author-
alliances. Allies come to your
Daniel
ity subtly. One spouse, for
aid, have your back and want
Rosen baum
example, asks what the other
you to succeed. Essentially,
wants for dinner, where to go
authority uses power; alliance
on vacation or which movie to
uses relationships.
see. Receiving no answer, the querying
Authorities exert dominance, but too
spouse offers options. The silent spouse
often overstep boundaries. Zero toler-
passively exerts authority by being unre-
ance policies, for example, are imposed
sponsive or by criticizing or belittling
without regard to logic or impact. In
the other's recommendations. Decisions
one instance, a child brought a plastic
are never negotiated, let alone made,
knife to school to cut a piece of chicken.
leading to frustrations, arguments and,
School authorities arbitrarily suspended
ultimately, decision failures.
her for bringing a "weapon" to school.
By necessity, spouses need to be allies.
Allies or advocates rarely are present
The marital alliance suffers if one spouse
to counter these authorities. Because it
coerces the other through manipula-
is school, students in such predicaments
tion. Any demand for dominance by
can't say "stop" to the authority without
one spouse over the other subverts the
risking additional punishment. Their
formation of alliance and the stability of
status as children weakens their position. the marriage.
Parents and students must form alli-
In spousal alliances, discussing deci-
ances to counter authority, especially if
sions or disagreements openly and
authority's policies are odious. School
realistically provides a foundation for
rules that affect one child no doubt
a lasting bond. When differences arise,
affect other children. When children
spouses need to have sufficient courses
endure similar problems or accusa-
of action to produce quality decisions.
tions, their parents can engage each
The first step is recognizing how yielding
other through the school's PTA, clubs
to your partner benefits this connec-
or teams. Bringing in legal resources or
tion. Tempers or bad timing disrupt any
social media widens support. On any
problem resolution process, so postpone
given day, Facebook posts examples of
touchy discussions to a time away from
authorities who have acted beyond their
impasses.
mandate. Such posts often engage local
The most evident advantage of having
news media, triggering thousands of
alliances is that they allow others to dis-
emails and phone calls. Such modern
agree or say no; authorities rarely allow
multimedia alliances can prevail against
these. If you are inclined to be an author-
untenable policies.
ity, seek to become someone's ally. You
Parents have inherent natural author-
will certainly be appreciated more. *
ity. Some enforce it excessively while oth-
ers do so sparingly or only if absolutely
Dr. Daniel Rosenbaum, Ph. D, L.M.S.W., is a
necessary. When parental authority
clinical social worker at Counseling Associates Inc.
is needed, such as to intervene with a
in West Bloomfield, where he counsels children,
school, coach or group leader, it must be
teens and adults experiencing family or personal
consistent. Parents who lack the confi-
psychological problems.
dence to assert their authority can lose