metro >> Authority vs. Alliances GUYS N W GALS 248-851-1260 ORCHARD MALL • WEST BLOOMFIELD, MI ORCHARD LAKE ROAD • NORTH OF MaPLE *A4 SHANGRI-LA AUTHENTIC CHINESE CUISINE MIDTOWN 4710 Cass Avenue Detroit, Michigan 48201 UPTOWN 6407 Orchard Lake Road (15 Mile & Orchard Lake) DAILY DIM SUM &SUSHI DAILY DIM SUM 313.974.7669 248.626.8585 uptownshangri-Ia.com 36 December 3 2015 JN e are raised to respect their child's respect. authority figures, whether Parents can form alliances with their they are teachers, bosses, children to improve family connected- leaders or parents. Authority imposes its ness and reduce family tensions; these will without having to defend its actions. must be reciprocal. Allied with their We take authority's control for granted, children, parents have less need to as few of us have sufficient power to impose authority to gain compliance counter it. If we try, we may and are more amenable to face serious repercussions so accommodating their children's we are reticent to challenge needs. When children ally with authority. Rather, we defer our parents, chores get done around resentment by acting passively, the home with greater willing- postponing our response or not ness, increasing the likelihood acting at all. that parents will acquiesce to a There are different ways to child's request for more respon- avoid succumbing to authority. sibility. The most effective is to form Spouses can exert author- alliances. Allies come to your Daniel ity subtly. One spouse, for aid, have your back and want Rosen baum example, asks what the other you to succeed. Essentially, wants for dinner, where to go authority uses power; alliance on vacation or which movie to uses relationships. see. Receiving no answer, the querying Authorities exert dominance, but too spouse offers options. The silent spouse often overstep boundaries. Zero toler- passively exerts authority by being unre- ance policies, for example, are imposed sponsive or by criticizing or belittling without regard to logic or impact. In the other's recommendations. Decisions one instance, a child brought a plastic are never negotiated, let alone made, knife to school to cut a piece of chicken. leading to frustrations, arguments and, School authorities arbitrarily suspended ultimately, decision failures. her for bringing a "weapon" to school. By necessity, spouses need to be allies. Allies or advocates rarely are present The marital alliance suffers if one spouse to counter these authorities. Because it coerces the other through manipula- is school, students in such predicaments tion. Any demand for dominance by can't say "stop" to the authority without one spouse over the other subverts the risking additional punishment. Their formation of alliance and the stability of status as children weakens their position. the marriage. Parents and students must form alli- In spousal alliances, discussing deci- ances to counter authority, especially if sions or disagreements openly and authority's policies are odious. School realistically provides a foundation for rules that affect one child no doubt a lasting bond. When differences arise, affect other children. When children spouses need to have sufficient courses endure similar problems or accusa- of action to produce quality decisions. tions, their parents can engage each The first step is recognizing how yielding other through the school's PTA, clubs to your partner benefits this connec- or teams. Bringing in legal resources or tion. Tempers or bad timing disrupt any social media widens support. On any problem resolution process, so postpone given day, Facebook posts examples of touchy discussions to a time away from authorities who have acted beyond their impasses. mandate. Such posts often engage local The most evident advantage of having news media, triggering thousands of alliances is that they allow others to dis- emails and phone calls. Such modern agree or say no; authorities rarely allow multimedia alliances can prevail against these. If you are inclined to be an author- untenable policies. ity, seek to become someone's ally. You Parents have inherent natural author- will certainly be appreciated more. * ity. Some enforce it excessively while oth- ers do so sparingly or only if absolutely Dr. Daniel Rosenbaum, Ph. D, L.M.S.W., is a necessary. When parental authority clinical social worker at Counseling Associates Inc. is needed, such as to intervene with a in West Bloomfield, where he counsels children, school, coach or group leader, it must be teens and adults experiencing family or personal consistent. Parents who lack the confi- psychological problems. dence to assert their authority can lose