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Entry Form
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Attn. Jackie Headapohl
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64 November 19 2015
I
I
I
I
a
Debra
Darvick
end your
questions to
deardebra@
renmedia.us or look
for an anonymous
question submis-
sion form on Debra's
online column at
www.thejewishnews.
COM
DEAR DEBRA,
Our rabbi recently invited my wife and me
to dinner with another couple she wanted
us to meet. The plan was for us and the
other couple to co-chair a committee. The
committee's purpose is of great interest to
us, but we did not hit it off with the other
couple in any way. We are different in val-
ues, interests and attitudes. We don't want
to disappoint our rabbi, but we really don't
see being able to work together successfully
with this other couple. What should we do?
— Uncommitted
DEAR UNCOMMITTED,
Sometimes those whom we don't warm
to at first meeting become more engag-
ing upon second meeting. (Think back
to your dating days.) But if you and your
wife feel as strongly as you seem to, let
your rabbi know immediately. Be diplo-
matic. Without badmouthing the other
couple, be up front with your rabbi. Is
there is another committee you might
co-chair with others s/he might have in
mind? Be prompt so that time isn't wast-
ed moving forward. For all you know,
the other couple might have felt as you
and your wife do, and they have already
voiced similar misgivings.
DEAR DEBRA,
Our daughter, who lives out of state,
recently met a young man on Mate. She is
smitten. I can't seem to get past his lack of
manners to see what she sees in him. They
have visited three times now. Not once has
he brought a house gift, offered to clear
dishes after a meal or written a thank-you
note after his stay. It's like he grew up under
a rock I mentioned this to my daughter once
or twice, but I don't want to harp on this. He
seems like a nice enough guy, but his lack of
social graces really grates on me.
—Underwhelmed
DEAR UNDERWHELMED,
Alas, adherence to social graces has too
often gone the way of white gloves and
sterling silver calling card trays. Your
daughter's young man might have grown
up under a rock, or he may have grown
up in a home where these things weren't
taught for any number of reasons.
But now, ifs time to focus on the
present and the future. If you've already
mentioned this to your daughter (was
it really once or twice and not thrice or
more?), ifs going to be up to her to teach
her young man by example, not by harp-
ing or denigrating.
Next time, if it is crucial to you that
you receive a house gift, maybe your
daughter can pick something up on
their way over as a gift from them both.
Instead of fuming and waiting for him
to help clear the table, hand him a plate
or two and say, "Hey there, Boyfriend,
would you take these into the kitchen
for me?" Or hand him a dish towel and
say cheerfully, "I'll wash; you dry" That
would give you both an opportunity to
begin to get to know one another.
Be welcoming and try to see beyond
these shortcomings. Social graces can be
learned. Instead of focusing on what he
doesn't have, stay attuned for good quali-
ties your daughter sees in him. What he
lacks may be more than made up for by
what he brings to the table, cleared or not.
Last month, I invited readers to help
advise a young wife how to handle
attending baby namings and britot (plu-
ral of bris) when she and her husband
haven't been able to conceive. I received
two responses along the same theme and
have combined their perspectives below.
DEAR DEBRA,
When I read the young woman's letter
to you, I thought back to the seven long
years my husband and I tried to conceive.
Our friends, like hers, were having their
first, second and even third children.
As you might imagine, there were plenty
of britot and showers we were invited to
and I felt like your letter writer — ambiva-
lent about going to a celebration that
pointed up so painfully our ongoing losses.
Ultimately, we decided that sharing our
friends' joy took precedence because one
day we would be the ones having a bris
or a baby naming. It was hard but grew
a bit easier over time. My husband and I
had one another's backs — helping each
other to focus on our friends' joy and not
our sadness. This approach didn't help us
conceive any sooner, but it did force us to
look outward instead of inward at a time
when continually focusing on our losses
made joy that much harder to grasp.
I wish them well. *
Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life, books
and more at debradarvick.com.