family focus >> dear debra Sponsored by DThe Vdd A Chilly Reception H OSPITAL TOy SHOP Get your art supplies out and gather your favorite colors. SOLDIER It's the annual Chanukah Cover Art Contest! (248) 543-3115 3947 W. 12 Mile Road Berkley, MI 48072 www.DollHospital.com Materials Anything that shows up bold and bright, such as markers, crayons, paint or cut paper. NO PENCILS, LIGHT BLUE CRAYONS, GLITTER OR COMPUTER-GENERATED ARTWORK — must be handmade. Size Age Categories 8 1/2" wide x 11" high, vertical format Up to age 6 • Ages 7-9 Ages 10-12 Grand Prize First Prize $100 and the artwork on the Dec. 3, 2015, cover of the $18 in all age categories Honorable Mentions Finalists in all catego- ries will be featured inside the 2015 Cha- nukah issue, Dec. 3. Jewish News! Voting Go to our website, theJEWISHNEWS.com , from Nov. 23-Nov. 27 vote for your favorite entries. Voting closes on Nov. 27. to * Pick up entries at the Jewish News until Jan. 4. Sem 71,0601 ALL WORK MUST BE RECEIVED BY NOON, Thursday, NOV. 19, 2015 The Detroit Jewish News 29200 Northwestern Hwy #110 • Southfield, MI 48034 Attn: Jackie Headapohl 248.354.6060 IN ORDER TO BE ELIGIBLE: Only one entry per child • A fully completed entry form must be taped to artwork. A color photo of the artist must accompany artwork Entry Form I Child's Name: 1 Parents' Names: I Address: . City: I Day Phone: I Email: I School: I I 1. Age: I State: Zip: Evening Phone: I I Religious School: Send to: The Jewish News Attn. Jackie Headapohl 29200 Northwestern Hwy. #110, Southfield, MI 48034 64 November 19 2015 I I I I a Debra Darvick end your questions to deardebra@ renmedia.us or look for an anonymous question submis- sion form on Debra's online column at www.thejewishnews. COM DEAR DEBRA, Our rabbi recently invited my wife and me to dinner with another couple she wanted us to meet. The plan was for us and the other couple to co-chair a committee. The committee's purpose is of great interest to us, but we did not hit it off with the other couple in any way. We are different in val- ues, interests and attitudes. We don't want to disappoint our rabbi, but we really don't see being able to work together successfully with this other couple. What should we do? — Uncommitted DEAR UNCOMMITTED, Sometimes those whom we don't warm to at first meeting become more engag- ing upon second meeting. (Think back to your dating days.) But if you and your wife feel as strongly as you seem to, let your rabbi know immediately. Be diplo- matic. Without badmouthing the other couple, be up front with your rabbi. Is there is another committee you might co-chair with others s/he might have in mind? Be prompt so that time isn't wast- ed moving forward. For all you know, the other couple might have felt as you and your wife do, and they have already voiced similar misgivings. DEAR DEBRA, Our daughter, who lives out of state, recently met a young man on Mate. She is smitten. I can't seem to get past his lack of manners to see what she sees in him. They have visited three times now. Not once has he brought a house gift, offered to clear dishes after a meal or written a thank-you note after his stay. It's like he grew up under a rock I mentioned this to my daughter once or twice, but I don't want to harp on this. He seems like a nice enough guy, but his lack of social graces really grates on me. —Underwhelmed DEAR UNDERWHELMED, Alas, adherence to social graces has too often gone the way of white gloves and sterling silver calling card trays. Your daughter's young man might have grown up under a rock, or he may have grown up in a home where these things weren't taught for any number of reasons. But now, ifs time to focus on the present and the future. If you've already mentioned this to your daughter (was it really once or twice and not thrice or more?), ifs going to be up to her to teach her young man by example, not by harp- ing or denigrating. Next time, if it is crucial to you that you receive a house gift, maybe your daughter can pick something up on their way over as a gift from them both. Instead of fuming and waiting for him to help clear the table, hand him a plate or two and say, "Hey there, Boyfriend, would you take these into the kitchen for me?" Or hand him a dish towel and say cheerfully, "I'll wash; you dry" That would give you both an opportunity to begin to get to know one another. Be welcoming and try to see beyond these shortcomings. Social graces can be learned. Instead of focusing on what he doesn't have, stay attuned for good quali- ties your daughter sees in him. What he lacks may be more than made up for by what he brings to the table, cleared or not. Last month, I invited readers to help advise a young wife how to handle attending baby namings and britot (plu- ral of bris) when she and her husband haven't been able to conceive. I received two responses along the same theme and have combined their perspectives below. DEAR DEBRA, When I read the young woman's letter to you, I thought back to the seven long years my husband and I tried to conceive. Our friends, like hers, were having their first, second and even third children. As you might imagine, there were plenty of britot and showers we were invited to and I felt like your letter writer — ambiva- lent about going to a celebration that pointed up so painfully our ongoing losses. Ultimately, we decided that sharing our friends' joy took precedence because one day we would be the ones having a bris or a baby naming. It was hard but grew a bit easier over time. My husband and I had one another's backs — helping each other to focus on our friends' joy and not our sadness. This approach didn't help us conceive any sooner, but it did force us to look outward instead of inward at a time when continually focusing on our losses made joy that much harder to grasp. I wish them well. * Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life, books and more at debradarvick.com.