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28 October 15 • 2015
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ctober is National Domestic
worse, to "man-up" and get a hit next
Violence Awareness month.
time. Rarely were they offered comfort
Statistics reveal that domes-
or support.
tic violence occurs in one of every five
How does this example relate to
families. That means that in every fifth domestic violence? Let me explain.
house on your block, or apartment in
The boy that got no support when
your complex, someone lives in fear of
he struck out learned that he was on
getting hurt or killed by an intimate
his own in the world, and that when
partner.
things don't go his way, he is
The numbers are no differ-
alone at the end of the bench,
ent in the Jewish community.
in shame. It is a painful place
I have been working with
he wants to avoid.
victims of domestic violence
In many aspects of his life,
for more than 20 years. I have
he may be capable of accom-
come to honor their struggle.
plishing this, especially if he
In seeing the world through
has a career that allows him
their eyes, I understand their
to make the rules. But inti-
Ellen
shame, which fuels their
mate relationships are differ-
Yashin sky
silence. I have also worked
ent. Conflict is unavoidable;
with batterers for many years. Chute
even in the most committed
I also honor their struggle. In
relationships, we hurt, disap-
seeing the world through their eyes, I
point and frustrate each other. If each
understand their shame, which fuels
of these occurrences feels like the end
their desire for control and need for
of the bench, avoidance of shame is
revenge.
achieved by blaming the other person.
Yes, that is correct. At the heart of
For her, the private and personal
domestic violence is shame, for both
shaming of being a disappointment to
victim and perpetrator.
her partner isolates her from support
Before we can understand why one
or opposing points of view that might
person responds with silence and iso-
empower her. She is stuck at the end
lation and another with control and
of her own bench, a place where she
revenge, we must first understand how has little experience. The danger in
gender socialization plays a role in
these relationships is the isolation, as it
this dynamic, creating disproportion-
keeps each of the partners dependent
ate numbers of women as victims and
on each other to reduce their own
men as perpetrators in heterosexual
shame.
relationships.
As parents, it's our job to encour-
Gender socialization is how, as chil-
age our kids when they're up at
dren, we are taught what it means to
bat—whether on the ball field, in the
be a boy or a girl. Many of us grew up
classroom or in the workplace. We
in families where girls and boys were
must teach our daughters that they are
held to different standards when it
valued people—even when they make
came to emotions.
mistakes. We must teach our sons that
I remember watching many Little
they are valued people, even when life
League baseball games when my kids
doesn't go their way.
were growing up. I noticed that when
If we want our sons and daughters
the girls struck out, their teammates
to have healthy adult relationships, we
would rally around them, hug them
have to start today. *
and encourage them for next time.
When the boys struck out at bat, they
would hang their heads, kick the dirt
or say something negative and go to
details
the end of the bench in the dugout,
For concerns about domestic
where they would sit in solitude, wait-
violence, call Ellen Yashinsky
ing for the next chance to redeem
Chute, JF5 chief community out-
themselves. They might have been told
reach officer, at (248) 592-2666.
to shrug it off or to get over it or even