metro
Imagining The
Unimaninable
Professional tips to help keep
children safe from abuse.
Ellen Yashinsky Chute
Special to the Jewish News
R
ecent local incidents have put the
issue of child sexual abuse in the
spotlight. As a community, we are
shocked and saddened, and we are curious
about how we can best protect and support
our children.
As parents, grandparents and friends,
we can do many things to both minimize
the likelihood of child sexual abuse and
to reduce the negative
effects of child sexual
abuse if it has occurred.
There are three key areas
of influence:
• Reducing opportu-
nity,
• Improving child self-
protection,
Ellen
• Responding to pos-
Yashinsky
sible
abusive situations.
Chute
Reducing Opportunity
In terms of reducing opportunity, the
Darkness to Light foundation, a child pro-
tection organization, offers the following
suggestions:
• Understand that abusers often become
friendly with potential victims and their
families, enjoying family activities, earning
trust and gaining time alone with children.
• Think carefully about the safety of situ-
ations in which older youth have access to
younger children. Make sure that multiple
adults are present who can supervise.
• Monitor children's Internet use.
Offenders use the Internet to lure children
into physical contact.
• Drop in unexpectedly when the child is
alone with an adult or another youth, even if
it a trusted family member.
• Make sure outings are observable — if
not by you, then by others.
• Ask adults about the specifics of
planned activities before the child leaves
your care. Notice their ability to be specific.
• Talk with the child following the activ-
ity. Notice the child's mood and whether he
or she can tell you with confidence how the
time was spent.
• Find a way to tell adults who care for
children that you and the child are educated
about child sexual abuse. Be that direct.
22
August 27 • 2015
Improving Self-Protection
These suggestions may challenge our usual
ways of thinking and doing things. We may
wonder how we protect our children when it
seems unavoidable that they will be in one-
on-one situations with older youth or adults.
In these instances, we must empower our
children by teaching them about self-pro-
tection. This is done through open, candid
and casual conversations: Teach children it
is never OK for adults to act in a sexual way
with them, and use examples.
• Teach them what parts of their bodies
others should not touch.
• Be sure to mention that the abuser
might be an adult friend, family member or
older youth.
• Teach children not to give out per-
sonal information while using the Internet,
including email addresses, home addresses
and phone numbers.
• Start early and talk often. Use everyday
opportunities to talk about sexual abuse.
• Be proactive. If a child seems uncom-
fortable or resistant to being with a particu-
lar adult, ask why. (Darkness to Light)
This means we have ongoing conversa-
tions with our children about the sanctity of
their bodies; that others are not allowed to
touch or see the private places on their bod-
ies without permission from their parents.
Many parents talk about private places as
anything that is covered by a bathing suit.
These empowering conversations teach chil-
dren they are important and they are enti-
tled to say "no" to anyone, including people
they may know and trust, or to whom they
may be related.
Know How To Respond
Sometimes sexual abuse happens despite
our best efforts. In these instances, we must
know how to respond in the most helpful
way. Research has shown that the most
dramatic factor in the reduction of nega-
tive effects from child sexual abuse is the
response from people in the child's environ-
ment.
First, we must know the possible signs
of sexual abuse. According to Darkness to
Light, physical signs of sexual abuse are not
common, although redness, rashes/swelling
in the genital area, urinary tract infections
or other such symptoms should be carefully
investigated. Also, physical issues associated
with anxiety, such as chronic stomachaches
or headaches, may occur. Emotional or
behavioral signals are more common. These
can run from "too perfect" behavior to
withdrawal and depression, to unexplained
anger and rebellion. Sexual behavior and
language that are not age-appropriate can
be a red flag. We must also be aware that in
some children there are no signs whatso-
ever.
Next, our response to the child is criti-
cal. Most children who have been sexually
abused are very confused by the experience
and don't identify what happened as sexual
abuse. Our goal is to create a safe environ-
ment for our children to speak to us. This
does not mean we are seeking a disclosure
of the abuse. Trying to get our children to
talk about their experience before they are
emotionally ready to do so may inadver-
tently revictimize them. Instead, focus on
the observable behaviors, like, "I notice that
you seem sad lately" or to an older child or
teen, "It seems like you are spending a lot of
time in your room lately:'
We have to calm our own emotions and
know that if we are open and accepting, our
children will tell us what they need to. Very
often, children never disclose the abuse and
are helped back to feeling more like them-
selves through patient, supportive parenting
that recreates a sense of safety in the world
for them.
It is important to understand why a child
might not disclose. Some children have been
shamed or blamed by the abuser, and the
child may feel that the abuse is their fault.
Abusers often trick the child into thinking
that the abuse is a game, or that it is a loving
thing. Some abusers threaten the child or
their family members if the child does not
keep the secret. Children may be afraid that
their parents may be angry at them or that
their disclosure will disrupt the family. Some
children love their abusers because the per-
son has been a beloved person in their life.
Children who disclose sexual abuse often
tell a trusted adult other than a parent. For
this reason, training for people who work
with children is especially important. At
times, children will pretend that it happened
to a friend or tell a small portion of what
happened. Children will often shut down
Getting Help
If you have questions or would like
to talk about your specific situation,
call Jewish Family Service at (248)
592-2666.
Additional resources:
• Children's Protective Services,
(855) 444-3911
• Crimes Against Children Research
Center, unh.edu/ccrc/
• Darkness to Light, d21.org
• Magen Yeladim International,
mychildsafetyinstitute.org
• U.S. Department of Justice
National Sex Offender Public Website,
nsopw.gov/en-US/Education/
RecognizingSexualAbuse#child
if the response is overly emotional, or feels
negative or critical.
If you suspect sexual abuse but your child
does not disclose, watch for the observable
signs mentioned above. If your child seems
anxious, depressed or is acting out, you may
want to seek professional help.
Psychotherapists do not seek disclosure,
but rather try to create a safe space for the
child or teen to act out or talk out their
feelings. If a child does disclose abuse, it
must be reported to the local police or to
Children's Protective Services, who will
engage law enforcement. At times, children
do disclose to a mental health professional,
a trusted teacher or rabbi. All these profes-
sionals are mandated reporters who must
notify Children's Protective Services of the
disclosure.
Many children who are victims of child-
hood sexual abuse are resilient and are
able to move on with normal development,
without lasting emotional effects. In any
case, it is important that we always maintain
vigilance when it comes to protecting our
children.
❑
Ellen Yashinsky Chute is senior director of
Behavioral Health Services at Jewish Family
Service of Metropolitan Detroit.