metro Imagining The Unimaninable Professional tips to help keep children safe from abuse. Ellen Yashinsky Chute Special to the Jewish News R ecent local incidents have put the issue of child sexual abuse in the spotlight. As a community, we are shocked and saddened, and we are curious about how we can best protect and support our children. As parents, grandparents and friends, we can do many things to both minimize the likelihood of child sexual abuse and to reduce the negative effects of child sexual abuse if it has occurred. There are three key areas of influence: • Reducing opportu- nity, • Improving child self- protection, Ellen • Responding to pos- Yashinsky sible abusive situations. Chute Reducing Opportunity In terms of reducing opportunity, the Darkness to Light foundation, a child pro- tection organization, offers the following suggestions: • Understand that abusers often become friendly with potential victims and their families, enjoying family activities, earning trust and gaining time alone with children. • Think carefully about the safety of situ- ations in which older youth have access to younger children. Make sure that multiple adults are present who can supervise. • Monitor children's Internet use. Offenders use the Internet to lure children into physical contact. • Drop in unexpectedly when the child is alone with an adult or another youth, even if it a trusted family member. • Make sure outings are observable — if not by you, then by others. • Ask adults about the specifics of planned activities before the child leaves your care. Notice their ability to be specific. • Talk with the child following the activ- ity. Notice the child's mood and whether he or she can tell you with confidence how the time was spent. • Find a way to tell adults who care for children that you and the child are educated about child sexual abuse. Be that direct. 22 August 27 • 2015 Improving Self-Protection These suggestions may challenge our usual ways of thinking and doing things. We may wonder how we protect our children when it seems unavoidable that they will be in one- on-one situations with older youth or adults. In these instances, we must empower our children by teaching them about self-pro- tection. This is done through open, candid and casual conversations: Teach children it is never OK for adults to act in a sexual way with them, and use examples. • Teach them what parts of their bodies others should not touch. • Be sure to mention that the abuser might be an adult friend, family member or older youth. • Teach children not to give out per- sonal information while using the Internet, including email addresses, home addresses and phone numbers. • Start early and talk often. Use everyday opportunities to talk about sexual abuse. • Be proactive. If a child seems uncom- fortable or resistant to being with a particu- lar adult, ask why. (Darkness to Light) This means we have ongoing conversa- tions with our children about the sanctity of their bodies; that others are not allowed to touch or see the private places on their bod- ies without permission from their parents. Many parents talk about private places as anything that is covered by a bathing suit. These empowering conversations teach chil- dren they are important and they are enti- tled to say "no" to anyone, including people they may know and trust, or to whom they may be related. Know How To Respond Sometimes sexual abuse happens despite our best efforts. In these instances, we must know how to respond in the most helpful way. Research has shown that the most dramatic factor in the reduction of nega- tive effects from child sexual abuse is the response from people in the child's environ- ment. First, we must know the possible signs of sexual abuse. According to Darkness to Light, physical signs of sexual abuse are not common, although redness, rashes/swelling in the genital area, urinary tract infections or other such symptoms should be carefully investigated. Also, physical issues associated with anxiety, such as chronic stomachaches or headaches, may occur. Emotional or behavioral signals are more common. These can run from "too perfect" behavior to withdrawal and depression, to unexplained anger and rebellion. Sexual behavior and language that are not age-appropriate can be a red flag. We must also be aware that in some children there are no signs whatso- ever. Next, our response to the child is criti- cal. Most children who have been sexually abused are very confused by the experience and don't identify what happened as sexual abuse. Our goal is to create a safe environ- ment for our children to speak to us. This does not mean we are seeking a disclosure of the abuse. Trying to get our children to talk about their experience before they are emotionally ready to do so may inadver- tently revictimize them. Instead, focus on the observable behaviors, like, "I notice that you seem sad lately" or to an older child or teen, "It seems like you are spending a lot of time in your room lately:' We have to calm our own emotions and know that if we are open and accepting, our children will tell us what they need to. Very often, children never disclose the abuse and are helped back to feeling more like them- selves through patient, supportive parenting that recreates a sense of safety in the world for them. It is important to understand why a child might not disclose. Some children have been shamed or blamed by the abuser, and the child may feel that the abuse is their fault. Abusers often trick the child into thinking that the abuse is a game, or that it is a loving thing. Some abusers threaten the child or their family members if the child does not keep the secret. Children may be afraid that their parents may be angry at them or that their disclosure will disrupt the family. Some children love their abusers because the per- son has been a beloved person in their life. Children who disclose sexual abuse often tell a trusted adult other than a parent. For this reason, training for people who work with children is especially important. At times, children will pretend that it happened to a friend or tell a small portion of what happened. Children will often shut down Getting Help If you have questions or would like to talk about your specific situation, call Jewish Family Service at (248) 592-2666. Additional resources: • Children's Protective Services, (855) 444-3911 • Crimes Against Children Research Center, unh.edu/ccrc/ • Darkness to Light, d21.org • Magen Yeladim International, mychildsafetyinstitute.org • U.S. Department of Justice National Sex Offender Public Website, nsopw.gov/en-US/Education/ RecognizingSexualAbuse#child if the response is overly emotional, or feels negative or critical. If you suspect sexual abuse but your child does not disclose, watch for the observable signs mentioned above. If your child seems anxious, depressed or is acting out, you may want to seek professional help. Psychotherapists do not seek disclosure, but rather try to create a safe space for the child or teen to act out or talk out their feelings. If a child does disclose abuse, it must be reported to the local police or to Children's Protective Services, who will engage law enforcement. At times, children do disclose to a mental health professional, a trusted teacher or rabbi. All these profes- sionals are mandated reporters who must notify Children's Protective Services of the disclosure. Many children who are victims of child- hood sexual abuse are resilient and are able to move on with normal development, without lasting emotional effects. In any case, it is important that we always maintain vigilance when it comes to protecting our children. ❑ Ellen Yashinsky Chute is senior director of Behavioral Health Services at Jewish Family Service of Metropolitan Detroit.