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107719,,
58 August 20 • 2015
JN
The Way We Do
The Things We Do
I
have a friend who works
methodically and expects others
to do the same. Because families
have their own ways of doing things
— loading a dishwasher, making a
bed, assigning household tasks, even
taking criticism or giving compli-
ments — its cohesiveness can be
affected more by the disparate ways
people do tasks than by the tasks
themselves.
But by becoming aware of these
<
"ways," we can avoid a corrosive
impact on individuals, the family as
a whole or the task itself.
• One way that upsets
people is the "Careless
Way." This is when a
task is done incom-
pletely or poorly. A par-
ent asks a child to tidy
up the kitchen: Done
improperly, dishes will
be left in the sink, not
loaded into the dish-
washer; garbage bags
will be overflowing, but
not taken out. When
carelessness becomes
painfully apparent to
parents, this way engen-
ders doubts about a child's maturity
or commitment to the home or the
family. This can seriously affect fam-
ily dynamics.
• A corollary to the "Careless Way"
is the "Avoidant Way:' For some peo-
ple, finishing a task can take hours,
days or even weeks, if completed at
all. A parent requests that a child
clean up his or her room: The child
may throw clothes into a closet or
under a bed, then proudly announce
"I'm done:' When this way is chal-
lenged, the child may assert: "It's my
room:' Avoiding tasks yields natural
outcomes. So, when clothes don't
make it to the laundry, there are no
clean clothes to wear. Learning this
curve may require repeated experi-
ences — over months or years — to
reveal the connection between no
laundry and avoiding a task.
• Another way, the "Confusing
Way;' triggers other sets of prob-
lems. School and work are frequent
venues of this way. Here, teachers or
supervisors do not provide adequate
explanations of tasks, especially
those that are complex or have mul-
tiple or consecutive parts. While it is
essential to challenge new thinkers
to create their own ideas, they can't
be left to figure out everything on
their own. Without proper train-
ing or guidance, the task will not be
done well or on time. If the endeavor
is confusing, the person will not
grasp what the whole task is, or its
objective — nor will they be able
to gain satisfaction from a job well
done.
• Sometimes the "Wrong Way" is
mistaken for the "Confusing Way:'
Though given adequate instruction,
the person will do the task in her
or his own way. A different
perspective can be correct or
superior if the new method
leads to an acceptable out-
come. Problems arise, how-
ever, when the "New Way"
produces over-confidence
about what is an improve-
ment. In most work or learn-
ing environments, knowingly
going against designated
plans or protocols, even if
the results are better, brings
a person's commitment to
the group into question.
As innovation evolves,
it gets harder to determine what
the "Right Way" is. Change is not
always clear-cut or well-explained.
Parents, teachers and employers may
resist admitting that the old reliable
methods require updating. When
computers were first introduced,
some capable secretaries refused to
give up their typewriters; they quit
rather than be forced to accept new
technology. Now, computers offer us
countless ways to improve our lives.
When presented with new resourc-
es, an open mind makes it easier
to choose the best opportunities.
Teaching someone to do a task the
optimal way produces favorable out-
comes and avoids the problem ways
discussed here. Furthermore, learn-
ing anything requires sufficient time
and instructional support to acquire
the knowledge crucial to future suc-
cess. This is the "Best Way:'
❑
Dr. Daniel Rosenbaum is a clinical social
worker at Counseling Associates Inc. in
West Bloomfield, where he counsels chil-
dren, teens and adults experiencing fam-
ily or personal psychological problems.