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Gateway Travel
The Burden Of 'Should'
A
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30
September 22 2011
s the High Holidays
How, then, do we counter the coer-
approach, we consider all
cive nature of "shoulds"? Can we stop
the things we regret hav-
using the word altogether? It is easier
ing done over the last year. Sitting in
said than done. Listen to yourself and
synagogue, we reproach ourselves
others at the dinner table or in a busi-
when we consider what we
ness meeting to sense how
might have done better. One
pervasive that one little
common way we chastise
word can be. Only when
ourselves is by asking what
you are on the lookout for
we "should" have done.
it, can you change your
"Shoulds" force us to
language. Avoiding "should"
assess all that we could
messages enhances self-
have done, needed to do,
esteem, counter to the true
still have to get done or
intent of the "should-er."
must complete in our lives.
Another alternative to
Yet, we rarely consider the
"shoulding" is to substitute
hurtful, even hostile, mes-
words that clear space
Daniel
sages "shoulds" invoke.
for other more positive
Rosenbaum,
Parents commonly say:
options. When someone
PhD, LMSW
"You should do what I tell
tries to "should" you into
Jewish News
you." Spouses or bosses
doing something that you
Columnist
ask: "What should you have
don't want to do, you can
done differently, but didn't?"
respond that you "choose to or choose
Our common use of "should" proj-
not to" do it. Putting forth your choice
ects a willingness to judge and can
lets others know that you have options
be veiled messages that attack people
that that they are denying you.
at an unconscious level. Although
You can further counter "shoulds"
you may not have meant it explicitly
by identifying what your capabilities
when you said it, listeners consistently are by saying what you "can or cannot"
understand "shoulds" as a rebuke.
do. You really are the only one who
"You should have, so why didn't
knows what you are prepared or able
you?" insinuates that someone has
to do at any given time or in a particu-
messed up, failed or thought errone-
lar circumstance.
ously. This can arouse anger, guilt,
Finally, when someone wants to
anxiety or depression in the recipient,
impose his or her will on you through
disrupt relationships and distort com- a "should," declare what you "will or
munication.
won't" do. You don't have to agree to
"Shoulds" force us to evaluate from
others' wishes without taking into
a past perspective. While "shoulds"
account your own desires. Restating
reprimand us for a past lapse, they
"shoulds" with future-oriented lan-
provide no remedies or options for the guage makes whatever occurred in the
future.
past of little or no consequence.
Think about how many times
As we enter the New Year, pass up
recently you used "should" to impose
imposing the burden of "should" when
critical messages on yourself or oth-
you want to obtain the benefits others
ers."Should" creates expectations and
have to offer.
demands that cannot be met or ful-
Really, you should!
filled. Have you imposed an unachiev-
able outcome on a loved one by using
Dr. Daniel Rosenbaum, PhD, LMSW, is
it? When a parent assumes that a
a clinical social worker at Counseling
child "should" have known or done
Associates Inc., 6960 Orchard Lake Road,
something better, confidence in the
Suite 100, West Bloomfield, where he
relationship is eroded and trust fades
counsels children, teens and adults expe-
as exchanges about "should" become
riencing family or personal psychological
the common language.
problems. Reach him at (248) 626-1500.
Open Auditions Set
For Dreamcoat Production
Sky's the Limit Productions will
hold open auditions for Joseph and
the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
on Sunday, Sept. 25, at the Berman
Center for the Performing Arts at the
Jewish Community Center in West
Bloomfield.
Rehearsals are open to the public;
and children and adults, both expe-
rienced actors and beginners, are
welcome. Joseph will be presented
Jan. 12-22 at the Berman.
The schedule is grades 1-2, 1:30
p.m.; grades 3-4, 3 p.m.; grades 5- 6,
4:30 p.m.; and grade 7-adult, 6 p.m.
For more information, call
1-877-STL-PROD or visit the website
www.skysthelimitproductions.net . I 1