metro >> family counseling Gateway Travel The Burden Of 'Should' A We wish our loyal clients a Sweet New Year filled with health, happiness and peace around the world. Rochelle Lieberman and the staff of Gateway Travel -kH L'SH 2011 5772 To\ A.F1 28470 13 MILE ROAD Farmington Hills Tel: 248-432-8600 VI RTUOSO. www.gatewaytrvIcom SW/MISTS ts: Mt Air Of TIAYtt, Call us for all your travel needs Serving the Jewish community for 30 sweet years. A sweet beginning to the New Year is acknowledging the good that is past. This year, Hospice of Michigan marks its 30th year of providing hospice services in communities throughout Michigan. Providing compassionate, expert care at the end-of-life has been our mission for 30 years. We thank you for the privilege of serving the Jewish community, and for supporting a mission that honors and celebrates life. Ushanah tovah. • HOSPICE of michigan 888-247-5701 I www.hom.org OU1 staff is available 24 hours-a-day. [vc:ry day. 30 September 22 2011 s the High Holidays How, then, do we counter the coer- approach, we consider all cive nature of "shoulds"? Can we stop the things we regret hav- using the word altogether? It is easier ing done over the last year. Sitting in said than done. Listen to yourself and synagogue, we reproach ourselves others at the dinner table or in a busi- when we consider what we ness meeting to sense how might have done better. One pervasive that one little common way we chastise word can be. Only when ourselves is by asking what you are on the lookout for we "should" have done. it, can you change your "Shoulds" force us to language. Avoiding "should" assess all that we could messages enhances self- have done, needed to do, esteem, counter to the true still have to get done or intent of the "should-er." must complete in our lives. Another alternative to Yet, we rarely consider the "shoulding" is to substitute hurtful, even hostile, mes- words that clear space Daniel sages "shoulds" invoke. for other more positive Rosenbaum, Parents commonly say: options. When someone PhD, LMSW "You should do what I tell tries to "should" you into Jewish News you." Spouses or bosses doing something that you Columnist ask: "What should you have don't want to do, you can done differently, but didn't?" respond that you "choose to or choose Our common use of "should" proj- not to" do it. Putting forth your choice ects a willingness to judge and can lets others know that you have options be veiled messages that attack people that that they are denying you. at an unconscious level. Although You can further counter "shoulds" you may not have meant it explicitly by identifying what your capabilities when you said it, listeners consistently are by saying what you "can or cannot" understand "shoulds" as a rebuke. do. You really are the only one who "You should have, so why didn't knows what you are prepared or able you?" insinuates that someone has to do at any given time or in a particu- messed up, failed or thought errone- lar circumstance. ously. This can arouse anger, guilt, Finally, when someone wants to anxiety or depression in the recipient, impose his or her will on you through disrupt relationships and distort com- a "should," declare what you "will or munication. won't" do. You don't have to agree to "Shoulds" force us to evaluate from others' wishes without taking into a past perspective. While "shoulds" account your own desires. Restating reprimand us for a past lapse, they "shoulds" with future-oriented lan- provide no remedies or options for the guage makes whatever occurred in the future. past of little or no consequence. Think about how many times As we enter the New Year, pass up recently you used "should" to impose imposing the burden of "should" when critical messages on yourself or oth- you want to obtain the benefits others ers."Should" creates expectations and have to offer. demands that cannot be met or ful- Really, you should! filled. Have you imposed an unachiev- able outcome on a loved one by using Dr. Daniel Rosenbaum, PhD, LMSW, is it? When a parent assumes that a a clinical social worker at Counseling child "should" have known or done Associates Inc., 6960 Orchard Lake Road, something better, confidence in the Suite 100, West Bloomfield, where he relationship is eroded and trust fades counsels children, teens and adults expe- as exchanges about "should" become riencing family or personal psychological the common language. problems. Reach him at (248) 626-1500. Open Auditions Set For Dreamcoat Production Sky's the Limit Productions will hold open auditions for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on Sunday, Sept. 25, at the Berman Center for the Performing Arts at the Jewish Community Center in West Bloomfield. Rehearsals are open to the public; and children and adults, both expe- rienced actors and beginners, are welcome. Joseph will be presented Jan. 12-22 at the Berman. The schedule is grades 1-2, 1:30 p.m.; grades 3-4, 3 p.m.; grades 5- 6, 4:30 p.m.; and grade 7-adult, 6 p.m. For more information, call 1-877-STL-PROD or visit the website www.skysthelimitproductions.net . I 1