Weddings - Bar/Bat Mitzvah - House Warming - Hostess Holiday Gift
Raising The Bar from page 67
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looking wave, just beginning to swell, that carries in its tide Judaically-
jaded kids who have come to believe that their own traditions and
prayers are unworthy of their reverence and respect.
So where do we go from here? The overwhelming task of restoring
decorum to the modern American bar mitzvah celebration feels some-
how analogous to that of disinfecting the mountain of muddy laundry
my boys brought home from summer camp.
"Start with the underwear and move out from there;' insisted a
friend of mine. And right she was, for when confronted with a mess
of such magnitude as a heap of filthy camp frocks — or an epidemic
of misbehavior at Jewish rites of passage — the underwear, the bare
basics, is the place to begin.
One middle school principal I know heeds to this truth, working
overtime to educate her charges in the nuts and bolts of bar mitzvah
etiquette. She facilitates ongoing dialogue with her students regard-
ing Shabbat morning manners (for example, keeping your siddur open
for the duration of services — whether or not you believe you know its
content as well as your locker combinations); and simchah celebra-
tion social graces (such as hanging in the party room rather than in
the hotel lobby).
But she also knows another truth — clean underwear doesn't neces-
sarily guarantee presentable clothing.
In other words, no matter how sturdy a foundation we have worked
to build into our children, the reality remains that while 13 and one
day might have been old enough to take on full responsibility for one's
deeds back in the days of our sages, in the days of Jessica Simpson
and Eminem 13-and-one-dayers need ongoing direction and guidance
to maximize their chances of making wise choices.
Here are some proactive measures we can take as true Jewish
adults to keep our kids' behavior at b'nai mitzvah on the up and up.
At our own child's bar/bat mitzvah:
• Arrange for ushers to be present at services and prepared to
manage any behavioral problems.
• Ask a party planner or good friend/vigilant guest to stand lookout
at the evening celebration.
• Don't hesitate to hold a pre-party pow-wow with your young
guests regarding behavioral expectations and consequences of mis-
conduct, such as your willingness to call parents for early pick up.
• Reduce the likelihood of kids acting out due to boredom or being
tempted by alcohol by planning a separate kids' party.
At other children's bar/bat mitzvah:
• Accompany your child to services and model appropriate behavior.
• Nix improper or promiscuous clothing choices.
• Organize meetings with parents of your child's religious school or
day-school classmates to brainstorm ideas and join forces.
• Remember that responsibility for our child's behavior at a friend's
bar/bat mitzvah doesn't belong to school principals, religious school
directors, rabbis or other parents. It belongs solely to us.
Sharon Duke Estroff is an internationally syndicated Jewish parenting columnist, award-
winning Jewish educator and mother of four. Her first book, "Can I Have a Cell Phone
for Hanukkah? The Essential 411 on Raising Modern Jewish Kids" will be published by
Broadway Books, a division of Random House, in 2007.
on the Boardwalk
248.932.5253
6 8 celebrate. 2007