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An Unreal Ending
I
am officially announcing the
demise of reality television. After
serious study and observation, I
believe reality shows will go the way
of the tabloid talk shows a decade
ago. Survivor, The Apprentice, Big
Brother, Fear Factor and others
will either disappear like Sally Jesse
Raphael, Jenny Jones and
Ricki Lake, or be relegated
to late-night television like
Jerry Springer.
The tipping point
occurred two weeks ago in
three separate incidents.
GM Off The Island
In the summer of 2000,
Survivor, the granddaddy
of them all, first appeared
and became an instant hit.
The first winner crowned was Richard
Hatch, a naked, fat guy who recently
became a resident-survivor in a West
Virginia prison for not paying taxes
on his $1 million in winnings.
Eleven other $1 million winners
have been crowned in the past six
years, and General Motors has been
a major sponsor for most of those
seasons, until this fall's season in the
Cook Islands. The decision to pull
sponsorship from what should be
called Survivor: Klan Edition, was
related to the steady decline in ratings,
and not that this season's reality series
will pit teams of whites, blacks, Asians
and Hispanics against each other.
Retooling
Donald Trump's sidekicks on The
Apprentice, Carolyn Kepcher and
George Ross, have been replaced.
Carolyn and George. were often seen
advising the apprentices and sat in
the boardroom as the Donald fired an
apprentice to end the episode.
Two new "advisers" will be hired
when the show starts in January —his
two kids, Donald Jr. and Ivanka.
I watched last season as his children
stood in for George and Carolyn.
Ivanka and Junior — graduates of
the Wharton undergraduate program
at the University of Pennsylvania who
work for Daddy — did an admirable
job of advising the contestants when
George and Carolyn were elsewhere.
During each task, these "appren-
tices," some of whom were self-made
millionaires, seemed to take criticism
from Trump's progeny in stride, wait-
ing to actually "learn something" from
Carolyn and George.
I'm not sure what advice Trump's
progeny can give to this new crop,
except,"Treat Daddy like a star,""Don't
interrupt Daddy" or "Keep Daddy's
hair out of the wind?'
Trump himself seemed to be phon-
ing it in last season, not bothering to
learn the names of some of the execu-
tives he introduced.
When the task was pro-
moting a new sandwich,
Trump introduced two
Arby's executives with a
dismissive, "Tell them who
you are?'
This will be The
Apprentice's "sixth" sea-
son since January 2004,
which is why we should be
Trumped out.
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A reality series based on the movie
Snakes on a Plane is looking for
contestants. I wish I was making this
up, but, according to a craigslist.org
Washington, D.C. listing, 20 contes-
tants will share cabin space on a plane
with 200 snakes, and five poisonous
snakes will be part of the mix.
Each person bit by a poisonous
snake will be eliminated from the
competition — after an anti-venom
injection. The last person standing
will win fabulous prizes.
I'm not sure if that's legitimate, but
it has to be the worst idea I've ever
heard for a reality show, and it could
be the beginning of the end for reality
shows — the Jerry Springer Show of
its time.
However, I propose some fine tun-
ing: "Snakes on a Plane: Celebrity
Edition" might get some "buzz?'
How eager would you be to watch
stars like Tom Cruise, Paris Hilton,
Star Jones and Kevin Federline on a
plane with 100 poisonous snakes and
no anti-venom on board?
A bitten star must parachute over
a hospital — or a commercial spon-
sor like a Maybelline factory or an
Outback restaurant — to get the anti-
venom. The last star in the sky gets
a cameo role on the newest trend on
television: A Lost mystery series. Look
around and you'll see a show based on
a complicated, intriguing plot line and
a large ensemble cast, all with mysteri-
ous pasts. It's the new reality. D
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September 14 . 2006
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