FAMILY
long ancl
short
parenting a
eenager
The
•
,
Liai_
BY BOB SCHWARTZ
'11 never be known as King of the
Obvious. What appears com-
pletely obvious to others just
takes me a little longer to corn-
prehend. It once took me four
months to realize my wife had
rearranged the furniture in our living
room — and that was only because I
went to lie on the couch and wound up
on the piano.
I'rn more King of the Oblivious.
This was readily apparent recently
when, leaving an airport, I sauntered
past a security monitor on the vall. On
the screen I noticed the back of some
poor guy's head with a small saucer-
shaped bald spot. By the time I
reached my car, it had dawned on me
that the balding guy and I had the
same coat. Close to home, the sleuth
in me had finally realized that the guy
on the security camera was — moi!
This past summer I had noted an
increase in sunburn on my head, but
never questioned why. My daughter
began using the back of my scalp for
gentle bongo practice, but still I
noticed nothing. I was oblivious to
those beginning-to-go-bald-clues as I
slowly joined the ranks of the hair
today, gone tomorrow club.
But the security camera had bared it
all to me. Coincidentally, the sudden
evacuation of my hair was juxtaposed
with my teenage middle son beginning
to look like he was gearing up for a
Peter Frampton look-a-like contest.
Rapunzel had nothing on him, as he'd
suddenly gone from a neatly crew-cut
child to the poster boy for Woodstock.
Parenting books discuss not making
hair length an issue given that
teenagers are just expressing their
"ideological spirit" while they give
34 •
J \Nt' \KY
2006
•
JNPLATINUM
•1
„„.
(r-
their best hair imitation of Bozo the
Clown. But, at the point that I
began tripping on my son's hair —
NA'ell, let's just say it became a wee
bit of an issue.
I advised my son that it was time
for his hair to undergo a sheers and
tresses tryst with the barber. He felt
differently. Despite my not having
actually seen his corneas in a solid
four months, my son still believed
he resembled Yul Brynner more
than Cousin It.
Short of calling for a formal
Family Hair Intervention, we agreed
he would get a trim. When I arrived
home from work that night, he
greeted me with a vocal and rather
indignant, "See, I got a haircut!"
Since it appeared that his hair
was actually longer than it was when
he departed for the barber, I
responded, And exactly which hair
would that be?"
He had made his point – one I
was slow in grasping: One doesn't
joke with a teenager about the
appearance of his or her hair. For ow
son was officially in a post-haircut-
depression mode, convinced that the
earth will soon cease to move on its
axis while they see their new 'do as
a cross between the coifs of Prince
Valiant and Pee Wee Herman.
In the years to come. I had
learned, the best thing to do was to
let him follow his own internal hair
'calling, for he was clearly marching
to the beat of his own blow dryer.
On the other side of the comb, I
had much more pressing concerns.
Like how to most effectively apply
sunscreen to the back of my head
and does Rogaine really work? •
Bob Schwartz is a syndicated humor
writer based in Huntington Woods
whose essays have appeared in more
than 150 publications. His newest
book is Would Somebody Please
Send Me to My Room! (Glenbridge
Publishing Ltd). He can be reached at
bob@schwartzhumor.com and
schwartzhumor.com .