FAMILY long ancl short parenting a eenager The • , Liai_ BY BOB SCHWARTZ '11 never be known as King of the Obvious. What appears com- pletely obvious to others just takes me a little longer to corn- prehend. It once took me four months to realize my wife had rearranged the furniture in our living room — and that was only because I went to lie on the couch and wound up on the piano. I'rn more King of the Oblivious. This was readily apparent recently when, leaving an airport, I sauntered past a security monitor on the vall. On the screen I noticed the back of some poor guy's head with a small saucer- shaped bald spot. By the time I reached my car, it had dawned on me that the balding guy and I had the same coat. Close to home, the sleuth in me had finally realized that the guy on the security camera was — moi! This past summer I had noted an increase in sunburn on my head, but never questioned why. My daughter began using the back of my scalp for gentle bongo practice, but still I noticed nothing. I was oblivious to those beginning-to-go-bald-clues as I slowly joined the ranks of the hair today, gone tomorrow club. But the security camera had bared it all to me. Coincidentally, the sudden evacuation of my hair was juxtaposed with my teenage middle son beginning to look like he was gearing up for a Peter Frampton look-a-like contest. Rapunzel had nothing on him, as he'd suddenly gone from a neatly crew-cut child to the poster boy for Woodstock. Parenting books discuss not making hair length an issue given that teenagers are just expressing their "ideological spirit" while they give 34 • J \Nt' \KY 2006 • JNPLATINUM •1 „„. (r- their best hair imitation of Bozo the Clown. But, at the point that I began tripping on my son's hair — NA'ell, let's just say it became a wee bit of an issue. I advised my son that it was time for his hair to undergo a sheers and tresses tryst with the barber. He felt differently. Despite my not having actually seen his corneas in a solid four months, my son still believed he resembled Yul Brynner more than Cousin It. Short of calling for a formal Family Hair Intervention, we agreed he would get a trim. When I arrived home from work that night, he greeted me with a vocal and rather indignant, "See, I got a haircut!" Since it appeared that his hair was actually longer than it was when he departed for the barber, I responded, And exactly which hair would that be?" He had made his point – one I was slow in grasping: One doesn't joke with a teenager about the appearance of his or her hair. For ow son was officially in a post-haircut- depression mode, convinced that the earth will soon cease to move on its axis while they see their new 'do as a cross between the coifs of Prince Valiant and Pee Wee Herman. In the years to come. I had learned, the best thing to do was to let him follow his own internal hair 'calling, for he was clearly marching to the beat of his own blow dryer. On the other side of the comb, I had much more pressing concerns. Like how to most effectively apply sunscreen to the back of my head and does Rogaine really work? • Bob Schwartz is a syndicated humor writer based in Huntington Woods whose essays have appeared in more than 150 publications. His newest book is Would Somebody Please Send Me to My Room! (Glenbridge Publishing Ltd). He can be reached at bob@schwartzhumor.com and schwartzhumor.com .