FAMILY TIES
The Feast Of Variety
Understanding and acceptance can be
learned around the Thanksgiving table.
BY BOB SCHWARTZ
A
I come from a very small, quiet and fairly
I did muster the nerve to politely ask Aunt
t this time of year, I like to remi-
orderly family whose idea of a successful
Zelda to remove her chair from my foot, but I
nisce about a certain Thanks-
Thanksgiving includes getting the dinner table
remained a bit flustered by the amount of guests,
giving trip to meet my wife's (at
cleared and the kitchen cleaned faster than the
who seemingly numbered slightly more than the
that time, my fiancee's) family for
previous year. We pretty much peaked years back
spectators at Macy's Annual Thanksgiving Parade.
the first time. I emerged relatively
with the advent of the spacious and adjustable
unscathed, although most of the
three-rack dishwasher, the ultra-ram powered trash
enabled my children to experience a dinner table
with a noise level just a few decibels under a sonic
Thanksgivings with my wife's family have
time I resembled a petrified and stunned deer,
compactor and the deluxe garbage disposal. The
ensnared in the headlights of rapidly approaching
secondary goals seemed to be to get every guest to
boom, as well as post-turkey entertainment of
18-wheelers, closing in from everywhere with
vacate the house within two hours and 32 minutes
backyard giblet golf, while doing karaoke to 1970s
horns a-blaring.
of arrival and to calculate everything correctly so
soul music as strobe lights engulfed the patio. The
Down the road, my children, I think, will find
that all leftovers could fit snugly into three medi-
final act of dinner clean-up is officially completed
their first peek into their future family's dynamics
um-sized Tupperware containers. That's tradition.
sometime around Chanukah.
much easier than I did. They will have the distinct
Thanksgiving side dishes were not much more
One thing my children may not value until
advantage of having encountered, early in their
elaborate than green peas on a silver platter.
they marry into another family is the great advan-
lives, Thanksgiving Family Dinner Diversity.
Entertainment was watching the second half of
tage they've acquired from years of experience
the latter NFL game of the day, while non-football
with Thanksgiving Family Dinner Diversity.
They'll have had some dress rehearsals of what
it may eventually be like when they first spoon
fans were left to analyze whether the yarns had
out sweet potatoes with their future in-laws.
been overcooked.
They'll be well prepared for anything along the
For contrast, I offer the other side of the din-
lines of Aunt Fay's marshmallow and jalapeno-
ing-room table. When I first visited my wife's fam-
pepper quiche or Uncle Simon's unbridled apres-
ily for Thanksgiving, I discovered the land of
dinner rendition of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight."
kaleidoscopic salad plates and a sound level that
My children have gained diverse Turkey Day
left the windows on the constant verge of shatter-
exposure, having shared some annual holiday
ing. My inhibition was displayed when, despite
feasts with my Midwestern family and others with
being a strict vegetarian, I silently accepted three
my wife's clan in California — two groups as diver-
helpings of turkey. As I sat there soaking every-
gent in personality as the musical sounds of Benny
Goodman and Eminem.
thing in, one of my future brothers-in-law asked
his sister, "Does he speak?"
And that's true even if their future in-laws have
the peculiar tradition of celebrating Turkey Day
on the third Tuesday in November. My kids will
be ready!
❑
Bob Schwartz is a Huntington Woods syndicated
humor writer whose essays have appeared in over
150 magazines and newspapers. This essay is
excerpted with permission from his book
Would Somebody Please Send Me to My
Room! (Glenbridge Publishing Ltd). He can be
reached at bob@schwalizhumorcom and
www.schwartzhumorcom. •
PLATINUM • NOVENIBER 20(15 •
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