FAMILY TIES

The Feast Of Variety

Understanding and acceptance can be
learned around the Thanksgiving table.

BY BOB SCHWARTZ

A

I come from a very small, quiet and fairly

I did muster the nerve to politely ask Aunt

t this time of year, I like to remi-

orderly family whose idea of a successful

Zelda to remove her chair from my foot, but I

nisce about a certain Thanks-

Thanksgiving includes getting the dinner table

remained a bit flustered by the amount of guests,

giving trip to meet my wife's (at

cleared and the kitchen cleaned faster than the

who seemingly numbered slightly more than the

that time, my fiancee's) family for

previous year. We pretty much peaked years back

spectators at Macy's Annual Thanksgiving Parade.

the first time. I emerged relatively

with the advent of the spacious and adjustable

unscathed, although most of the

three-rack dishwasher, the ultra-ram powered trash

enabled my children to experience a dinner table

with a noise level just a few decibels under a sonic

Thanksgivings with my wife's family have

time I resembled a petrified and stunned deer,

compactor and the deluxe garbage disposal. The

ensnared in the headlights of rapidly approaching

secondary goals seemed to be to get every guest to

boom, as well as post-turkey entertainment of

18-wheelers, closing in from everywhere with

vacate the house within two hours and 32 minutes

backyard giblet golf, while doing karaoke to 1970s

horns a-blaring.

of arrival and to calculate everything correctly so

soul music as strobe lights engulfed the patio. The

Down the road, my children, I think, will find

that all leftovers could fit snugly into three medi-

final act of dinner clean-up is officially completed

their first peek into their future family's dynamics

um-sized Tupperware containers. That's tradition.

sometime around Chanukah.

much easier than I did. They will have the distinct

Thanksgiving side dishes were not much more

One thing my children may not value until

advantage of having encountered, early in their

elaborate than green peas on a silver platter.

they marry into another family is the great advan-

lives, Thanksgiving Family Dinner Diversity.

Entertainment was watching the second half of

tage they've acquired from years of experience

the latter NFL game of the day, while non-football

with Thanksgiving Family Dinner Diversity.

They'll have had some dress rehearsals of what

it may eventually be like when they first spoon

fans were left to analyze whether the yarns had

out sweet potatoes with their future in-laws.

been overcooked.

They'll be well prepared for anything along the

For contrast, I offer the other side of the din-

lines of Aunt Fay's marshmallow and jalapeno-

ing-room table. When I first visited my wife's fam-

pepper quiche or Uncle Simon's unbridled apres-

ily for Thanksgiving, I discovered the land of

dinner rendition of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight."

kaleidoscopic salad plates and a sound level that

My children have gained diverse Turkey Day

left the windows on the constant verge of shatter-

exposure, having shared some annual holiday

ing. My inhibition was displayed when, despite

feasts with my Midwestern family and others with

being a strict vegetarian, I silently accepted three

my wife's clan in California — two groups as diver-

helpings of turkey. As I sat there soaking every-

gent in personality as the musical sounds of Benny
Goodman and Eminem.

thing in, one of my future brothers-in-law asked

his sister, "Does he speak?"

And that's true even if their future in-laws have

the peculiar tradition of celebrating Turkey Day

on the third Tuesday in November. My kids will

be ready!

❑

Bob Schwartz is a Huntington Woods syndicated
humor writer whose essays have appeared in over
150 magazines and newspapers. This essay is
excerpted with permission from his book
Would Somebody Please Send Me to My
Room! (Glenbridge Publishing Ltd). He can be
reached at bob@schwalizhumorcom and
www.schwartzhumorcom. •

PLATINUM • NOVENIBER 20(15 •

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