Interfaith

A Solid Blueprint

Intermarried writer urges a game plan
to take the pressure off

Editor's note: This is the first in a
series of occasional features for
interfaith families.

Ann Arbor
hat can you say? You're in
love. You didn't seek out an
interfaith relationship. It
just happened. Like many things in
life, it was one of those unpredictable
events.
Falling in love
was the easy part.
What to do next is
the hard part. So
now that you're
head over heals,
what do you do?
Establish your
game plan, that's
what.
JIM KEEN
I've always been
Columnist
a firm believer that
the best way to
cope with the myriad complexities and
struggles of interfaith family life is to
have a solid blueprint. It's a "road
map," if you will, as to what your
household is going to look like,
whether next week, next year or the
next 50 years.
When you and your partner have
this picture in your mind, it will take
a lot of the stress out of your situation.
It's like having Rolaids for your life.
And, the sooner you get it, the faster it
starts working.
My wife, Bonnie, and I have been
together for more than 19 years. I am
Protestant; she is Jewish. We chose to
maintain our individual faiths and to
raise our children as Jews. How we
reached this decision is a lengthy topic
for another day. The important part is

W

Jim Keen is a freelance writer with 19
years of experience in an interfaith
relationship. He is author of the soon-
to-be published book "Inside
Intermarriage: A Christian Partner's
Perspective on Raising a Jewish
Family" (URJ Press), and a contribu-
tor to the book "The Guide to Jewish
Interfaith Family Life: an
InterfaithFamily. corn Handbook"
(Jewish Lights Publishing). He is mar-
ried, with two children. His e-mail
address is jckeen@umich.edu .

school. Most synagogues will not
allow enrollment in Hebrew school if
the child is also on a path to be con-
firmed in a Christian church. Most
Jewish congregations see becoming
bar/bat mitzvah as contradictory to
faith in Christ.
Yes, there are a lot of hard decisions
to be made. As the shape of your fam-
ily changes, so will your attitudes
toward how you live your life. Don't
be afraid to be flexible. Sometimes,
you may need to alter your blueprint.
Just make sure that you and your
spouse are on the same page.
I wouldn't recommend surprising
your wife with a Christmas tree if
you've never decided to have one
before. If you want a tree because you
want your kids to experience the won-
der and awe that you did as a child,
talk it over. Maybe you can find corn-
mon ground.
When you and your spouse have an
understanding and are reading from
the same playbook, you not only get
along better, but also deliver a consis-
tent message to your children.
Growing up in an interfaith family
can be confusing to the little ones.
Parents that give the same message
over and over again, give their kids
more confidence.
It's also helpful if grandparents,
uncles, and aunts are on board and
reinforcing your ideas. If they're not,
keep working with them, but try not
to sweat it too much. What really
matters is the everyday upbringing
from you and your spouse.
When your family has a plan, holi-
Some don't think that religion will
days seem much easier. Lifecycle
be an important part of their daily
lives. That's usually when you find out events come more naturally. Life is a
lot less stressful.
you're expecting, and suddenly, it
Will everything always go smoothly?
becomes a big deal. Baptism or bris?
Of course not. But, with your road
It's nice to know ahead of time.
map, you are better equipped to deal
If you can't form your game plan
with the hiccups. This is an advantage
before the kids are born, at the very
that interfaith couples sometimes have
least have a plan before the kids reach
over same-faith couples, who assume
religious-school age.
that they're automatically on the same
wavelength.
Making Choices
When you know what your house-
Some parents decide to raise their chil- hold is supposed to look like, you can
relax and enjoy life more. Besides,
dren in both religions for a while,
deciding which Barbie Doll to buy is
hoping that they'll eventually pick
much more fun than deciding whether
one. If you're going to do this, just do
to wrap it in Chanukah or Christmas
it before you have to make the choice
paper. ❑
between Sunday school or Saturday

that we drew up our road map back
before we had kids, back before our
wedding day and, yes, back when the
Pistons were good the first time.
If you can figure out how you're
going to live your interfaith life before
or during your engagement, it will
take a lot of pressure off of you and
your extended family. Not everyone
may approve of what you're doing, but
at least they won't be lobbying you as
hard as they might have.
Besides, knowing whether you'll be
standing under a crucifix or a chuppah
will leave you to squabble over the
lesser decisions, such as who gets to sit
next to Uncle Mel.
However, I'm a realist, and I under-
stand that not every couple can make
such a major decision before their
wedding day. Many people don't have
the luxury.

Will everything
always go smoothly?
Of course not. But,
with your road map,
you are better
equipped to deal
with the hiccups.

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14

6/30

2005

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