AppleTree
Saying You're Sorry
Teaching your child the value of repentance.
ELIZABETH APPLEBAUM
AppleTree Editor
R
%TN
9/24
2004
52
epentance is a central theme of
the High Holidays, which
means it's a good time to teach
children exactly how and why we say,
"Pm sorry."
But first, it's important to consider the
two different kinds of forgiveness Jews
are directed to seek.
One is ben adam l'Alakom, between
man and God. The other is ben adam
fchavro, between man and man.
The Torah teaches that wrongdoing is
almost inevitable, because man is imper-
fect. When he sincerely repents, however,
man is like one cleansed and new And
fortunately, God is ready to forgive virtu-
ally all our mistakes (a key exception:
utter and complete contempt for God).
What, exactly, does seeking forgiveness
mean?
Judaism is a religion of faith and
action. The first step, then, is prayer:
One must appeal to God for forgiveness.
But just saying, "Can you let me off the
hook on this one, God?" and fasting on
Yom Kippur isn't going to cut it.
For complete forgiveness from God,
one also needs to acknowledge his
wrongdoing and then promise to do his
best not to err again.
Consider the words of the prophets
(Isaiah 1:10, and Joel 2:13), who warned
that all the outward humility means
nothing if one does not express true
remorse — not simply in thought but in
deed.
Jewish texts, including the Torah itself,
when focusing on forgiveness are filled
with the word shuv, or "turn." Man is
empowered with the ability to literally
"turn" his life around, from bad to good,
and when he does so he receives God's
forgiveness.
"He who sins and regrets his act is at
once forgiven," the Talmud states. The
Midrash adds, "God says, 'Even if they
[your sins] should reach heaven, if you
repent I will forgive.'"
The Rambam wrote: "Even if a man
has sinned his whole life and repents on
the day of his death, all his sins are for-
given," and the Chasidic teacher Rabbi
Nachman of Bratslav said, "There is no
sin that will not be forgiven by sincere
repentance."
This idea of "turning" illustrates
important concepts in Judaism: that its
never too late to do the right thing; that
fellow creatures will be treated mercifully
when man sins it's not because he's
by Heaven;" the Talmud teaches, while
inherendy evil but because he's simply
"All who do not act mercifully toward
taking the wrong road; that God is eager thek fellow creatures will not be treated
for us not to err (He's not up there
mercifully [by God.]"
laughing when we fall), that He is actu-
Indeed, the very identity of a man
ally much like you, the parent, who so
who does not forgive after the offender
earnestly wants a child to do the right
has appealed sincerely three times can be
thing.
questioned, for Judaism teaches that
But maybe you're a skeptic. In the past Abraham and all his descendants were
month, you've received at least 20 letters
created with a kind heart, ready to for-
and e-mails, each of which promises that . give. When we forgive we are given the
if you'll just send in your completed
great gift of being Godlike.
form you will receive, at absolutely no
"Imitate GOd by being compassionate
cost to you, $100! (Just include $400 for and forgiving," Rabbi Nachman said.
handling). -What makes this Jewish guar- "He will in turn have compassion on
antee of God's forgiveness any different?
you and pardon your sins."
The Torah does not just discuss our
• According to the rabbis, repentance
need to ask forgiveness. It tells the source is so important it was even created before
for the guarantee that we will be forgiv-
the world.
en: God's covenant with the Jewish peo-
• How eager is God to forgive us? The
ple.
Song of Songs states, "God says to Israel,
A covenant is not merely a one-sided
`My children, open for Me an aperture
arrangement; this contract tells God's
of repentance as narrow as the eye of a
part of the deal. God, the Tanach teach-
needle, and I will open for you the gates
es, (see Samuel 1124:14, Psalms 25:10-
through which wagons and coaches can
11, 103: 17-18), is certain to forgive if
pass.
we are sincere in our repentance.
• Some scholars have argued that the
Consider Moses. Time and again the
sinner who repents is a greater man even
wandering Israelites sin. Time and again
than the righteous man who has never
Moses seeks God's forgiveness, even after
sinned.
the infamous golden calf incident. Why
• The best way to repent? Some rabbis
is Moses so relentless? Because he knows
said that one should articulate the details
God will be there to absolve His people.
of each sin, but Rabbi Akiva said that a
What God will not forgive, however, is general confession was enough.
one man's sin against another. For this,
• Don't go public: It's proper to apolo-
one must appeal directly to the person
gize directly to another, but there's no
injured.
need to cry in the street about all your
Case in point: Halachah (Jewish law)
wrongdoings when it comes to sins
tells us what to do when we have caused
against God. He's content to hear you in
physical damage to another. Imagine, for your synagogue or temple.
example, that your wonderful son bites
• Once a man has sincerely apolo-
his friend then smashes his new toy. You
gized, you should not remind him of his
must be certain that the family has the
past mistakes.
proper medical care for the bite, then
• The best time for saying you're sorry?
offer financial recompense for the toy.
The moment you realize you've done
But that's still not enough. Your son
wrong. The rabbis regard this immediate
also is obliged to say the words that so
response as the highest form of repen-
many adults and children struggle with:
tance.
"I'm sorry. Will you accept my apology?"
• Want to read more? Consider the life
Of course, we may have missed a few
of Franz Rosenzweig (1886-1929).
of those obligatory apologies during the
Rosenzweig, a German philosopher, was
year. But it's not Yom Kippur yet, so we
about to convert to Christianity. Then
still have time to approach anyone we
he chanced to attend Yom Kippur servic-
fear we have hurt and ask for forgiveness. es, and his life changed completely.
Here, too, we can be confident of par-
Among his students were Gershom
don, for the Torah says that when a man
Scholem and Martin Buber. (More
is truly repentant we must accept his
information on Rosenzweig can be
apology.
found in the Encyclopedia Judaica or by
'All who act mercifully toward their
reading his book Star of Redemption.) 111
Scene
Happenings
For college age through 30-something.
Send information to
ahitsky@thejewishnews.com
Oct. 1 Friday, 9 p.m. Comic Dan
Adhoot at the MSU International
Center, presented by MSU Hillel and
the University Activities Board. Free
tickets at MSU Hillel, East Lansing.
Oct. 4 Monday, 6:30 p.m. MSU TAG
(20-something grad students)
wine/cheese party in MSU Hillel
sukkah. RSVP to Morgan Taylor,
taylo393@msu.edu
Oct. 5 Tuesday, 7 p.m. Hillel of Metro
Detroit Tel Aviv Nights. Sukkot Israeli
style with food, music and a hookah.
Cost: $5 with RSVP or $8 at door.
Contact Lesley Weiss at (313) 577-3459
or Hillelpd@wayne.edu
Oct 5 Tuesday, 7 p.m. MSU Hillel
Hookah in the Sukkah Israel Night. Free
nargilla and Israeli food. RSVP to
pd@msuhillel.org
Oct. 8-9 MSU Hillel Shabbat and
Birthright Israel Reunion Shabbaton.
RSVP to Jenn, pa@msuhillel.org
Oct. 13 Wednesday, 7 p.m. MSU Hillel
dodge ball at the Summit. Meet at MSU
Hillel at 6:30 p.m. Free. RSVP to Jeff
Lazor, pd@msuhillel.org
Oct. 15 Friday, 7:30 p.m. Hillel of
Metro Detroit Shabbat Dinner with The
Simpsons. Adam Sofer will discuss the
Simpsons and Judaism. Cost: $12 in
advance of Shabbat. Shabbat housing
available upon request. Contact Karen
Urman, (313) 577-3459 or
Hilleled@wayne.edu
Oct. 17 Sunday, 11 a.m.-3 p.m. Ruach
Hadassh Gift Bazaar at Hadassah
House, 5030 Orchard Lake Road, West
Bloomfield. For information, contact
Beth, (248) 544-6433 or
ruach_chapter@yahoo.com
BowlingSign-Up
Impact-Michigan, a B'nai B'rith unit for
single men and women in their 20s and
30s, is starting a bowling league at 9:15.,
p.m. Thursdays at Drakeshire Lanes,
Farmington. The cost is $10 weekly.
To sign up, contact
B'nai B'rith,
(248) 646-3100 or
impactmi@yahoo.com