•
Ma r ket p lace
Ask Wendy
Don't Let Family Unrest Fester
Dear Wendy:
My family is on the Reform-
Conservative border, as am I. Two years
ago, I married a woman with common
values, who also happens to be
Christian.
My sister became Modern Orthodox
about 10 years ago, and so we understood
she would not be able to make it to our
Saturday evening wedding. We planned a
nice engagement party in the city where
my parents and my sister live. We went
out of our way to make it possible for my
sister to attend (spending three times what
we would have to make it GLATT
Kosher), but she did not show. My sister
and my wife have not spoken since.
My sister is now getting married. My
wife is willing to go to the wedding, but
I know she will be uncomfortable. Is it
appropriate to decline the invitation? I
wan-t--do to support my sister, but I
can't ignore-the,Rain it may cause my
wife.
-
—Trying To Mediate
You don't need advice. You need a les-
son in communication. As does your sis-
ter.
I can imagine
several conversa-
tions that clearly
never took place
and should have:
Your sister might
have mentioned
that she couldn't
support your choice
to intermarry; that
WENDY
if you wanted her at
BELZBERG
your wedding, you
Special to
might have chosen
a Sunday night
the Jewish News
rather than
Saturday; and that she did not plan to
attend the shower so you shouldn't get a
kosher caterer on her account.
In turn, you might have told your sis-
ter you were hurt and angry when she
did not show up at your party. Long
before that, you could have addressed the
fact that you knew the choice you were
making was at odds with her belief sys-
tem. (And make no mistake about it,
people do choose whom they will marry.
You chose to marry a Christian.)
If it is not too late, you and your sister
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Write to 'Ask Wendy" at 954 Lexington
Ave. #189, New York, NY 10021, or e-mail
—Love versus marriage
freeaaw- b
West Bloomfield
There will never be a right time
break the bond; you will have to go cold
turkey. If you shoot for tomorrow as you
departure date, but manage to ger out
within the next six months to a year, you
can still feel good about having executed
a heart-wrenching decision in a timely
fashion. (You may have to adjust my sug
gested time frame to accommodate your
remaining childbearing years.) ❑
Dear Wendy
I have been dating a man for the past
four years. He has a child by a previous
marriage and, by his own account, is a
terrible father; he does- not want to have
any more children and the subject is not
open for discussion. Having watched
him with his son, I would have to agree
that he appears to have no paternal
instincts. We are madly in love and very
happy together. I want to be with him,
but I also want to have children.
• • • OOOOOOOO •
■ !.
I could take five or six sentences to say
this but I don't have enough column inch-
es and it all boils down to one thing in
any event: Get out. Your boyfriend's hon-
esty and self-awareness are commendable.
But bridging the divide between different
faiths is easier than resolving the dilemma
you face. No relationship is worth such a
price; children are not negotiable.
(Abraham is the only person I can think o
who was willing to sacrifice his child, and
that's because he was asked by God to do
so.)
should tr), to sort out the mess you have
made of your relationship. At the very
least, go to her wedding. It is only in
your own mind that you must choose
between your wife and your sister. Your
sister's wedding day is not the time to
make a point you should have made long
ago. Hurtful and shortsighted as it is,
your sister's rejection of your wife is not
personal. If your wife cannot accept this,
let her stay home. Otherwise the love and
good will generated at a wedding may
provide the perfect moment when your
sister and your wife can repair their rift.
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