Ask Wendy
Don't Underestimate Your
Rabbi's Counseling Skills
Dear Wendy:
My husband and I have hit
a rough patch in our marriage
and we both agree that we
need help. I suggested we go
see a couples' therapist. He
insists we talk to our rabbi
instead. What would you rec-
ommend?
age capital campaigns.
Consider the rabbi's qualifi-
cations, his ability to make a
long-term commitment (are
sessions bumped for funerals,
brit ceremonies and communi-
ty emergencies?) and his past
success rates.
Then go into therapy with a
— Therapist Or Rabbi?
couples' therapist. Would you
WE NDY
Congratulations. Not only
go to a general practitioner if
BELZ BERG
have you discovered a brand
you were diagnosed with breast
Speci at to
new topic to fight about, you
cancer? Therapists are specifi-
the Jewi sh News cally trained to treat couples in
have avoided getting into coun-
seling. Keep up the good work
crisis. Your marriage is in trou-
and you'll be sitting on opposite sides of
ble. Don't take any chances: seek help
a lawyer's conference table.
from the best. (Queen Elizabeth of
Accommodate each other by inter-
England didn't take chances when it came
viewing both the rabbi and the therapist.
to son Charles' circumcision. She hired a
Rabbis are under-consulted; they have
mohel.)
expert skills beyond their ability to man-
Dear Wendy:
My in-laws are always giving our chil-
dren extravagant gifts. My husband and I
are worried that the children are being
spoiled and will come to expect gifts on a
regular basis. This goes against all of our
values. Still, my husband is reluctant to
say anything to his parents. Is it appropri-
ate for me to say something or should I
force him to do it?
— Overindulged?
My mother-in-law would argue that it
is a grandparent's right to give their
grandchildren everything their parents
will not. (When my sons sleep over at her
house, they eat cake and ice cream for
breakfast with several helpings of candy
for snack. Definitely against all of my val-
ues.) But I have decided that the special
relationship my children have with their
grandparents far outweighs my dietary
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concerns. I know many people who land
on therapists' couches discussing their
parents' shortcomings; I don't know any-
one who seeks help in resolving their
grandparents' excesses.
That said, if you truly view your in-
laws' behavior as excessive, not merely
indulgent, it doesn't matter which one of
you tells them so as long as it is clear that
you are in agreement. Your in-laws may
be offended or hurt, but your concerns
for your children and what's best for
them come first. Have a direct and hon-
est conversation with them. You can't
expect your in-laws to read your mind.
<
❑
Write to "Ask Wendy" at 954
Lexington Ave. #189, New York, NY
10021, or e-mail
askwendy@thejewishnews.com
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