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Some wedding traditions date
back thousands of years.
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ROBIN MORDFIN
Special to the Jewish News
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caught up in modern
times they often don't
take the time to under-
stand the history of the ceremonies
surrounding their wedding.
With computer-engraved wedding
invitations, e-mail RSVPs, and the
four Cs of diamond buying, today's
brides and grooms often forget that
many of the rituals they prize are rem-
nants of old and valued traditions.
Marriage is the central event in the
Jewish lifecycle, a big ceremony sur-
rounded by many smaller ones. In past
times, the ceremonies included engage-
ments, the negotiation of dowries and
the betrothal. Today, while some of
these are still around, others have been
added, like showers and rehearsal din-
ners. Yet they
, all seem to be related.
Just as in the distant past, today's
marriage cycle begins with a proposal.
According to Jewish tradition, a pro-
posal is necessary in order for a wed-
ding to take place, even for those
marriages that are arranged.
"It's considered very improper to
marry without a proposal," said
Rabbi Yosef Bechhofer of Bais
Tefillah Congregation in West Rogers
Park. Ill. "There has to be a proposal
and a consent."
And just like today, it has long
been customary for the groom to give
the bride a gift of value, or for both
bride and groom to exchange gifts,
like clothing, jewelry and fruit.
But in ancient and medieval times,
the engagement was formalized in a
ceremony known as shiddukin, at
which the terms of the marriage, the
tenaim, were formulated.
The tenaim included when and
where the wedding would take place,
the terms of the dowry, and other con-
ditions, such as how long the bride's
Robin Mordfin writes for JUF News
in Chicago.
father would support the couple.
And, because it was a binding
agreement, the tenaim included the
damages either side would have to pay
should the engagement be broken.
As such, breaking an engagement
was a much bigger deal in talmudic
times than it is today. In fact, the
procedure for release was so difficult
that it was not uncommon for rabbis
to suggest that the wedding take
place so that the couple could be
given a get, a Jewish divorce.
Today, the tenaim are normally
signed on the day of the wedding, so
that problems with damages and
dowry are no longer an issue. Yet, in
some more observant communities
the practice of having a parry to cele-
brate a couple's engagement, called a
vort, with a feast and divrei Torah, has
become more common. However, the
tenaim are not signed and following a
vort, the couple is not legally bound.
For those couples that survived the
engagement rites, the next step on the
road to matrimony then and now is
the betrothal, the erusin, which used to
rake place a year before the wedding.
From the erusin until the wedding, the
couple was considered bound together
in every respect except that they did
not live together and the groom was
not yet obligated to support the bride.
"Families needed a year to prepare
their children for marriage," Rabbi
,,,,Bechhofer explained. "They had to
prepare a trousseau for the bride, they
had to prepare a house for the couple.
And because, as the 11th and 12th
centuries passed, Jews around the
world were living in increasingly tur-
bulent times, the betrothal ceremony
became attached to the wedding. The
decision was made because the possi-
bility that a betrothed couple might be
separated had become a strong reality,
which would leave them both unmar-
ried yet unable to marry anyone else.
So, as it has been since medieval
times, the betrothal is now separated
from the wedding ceremony only by
the reading of the marriage contract. ❑
17