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"Children grow and mature when
they have an opportunity to see,
grapple and understand parents' vul-
nerabilities, helplessness and imper-
fections," he says. "If parents don't
open the door to how they negotiate
life and work through things, where
are their children going to learn
how to face their own struggles in
life? If parents-don't apologize for
things they did wrong, how are kids
going to learn?"
He adds that kids, and especially
teens, want to be involved in family
decisions and discussions, but parents
often shut them out.
Rabbi Fine also says kids who are
doing drugs aren't all doing it because
they enjoy it. He says they are self-
medicating themselves against anxiety.
"Kids heavy into drugs know they
have a problem," he says. "They
don't have a drug problem. They
have a life problem going on. They
have a secret. They're a stoner and
they're a Jewish kid. Now, they are
cut off from parents and they're lec-
tured to at school. Now they're
being told that they are a bad Jew
and not part of the community any-
more. So now they can't go for help
because they think they are bad
Jews. So what happens is these kids
who are already isolated, go under-
ground. They talk to each other.
"What we are doing is raising a
generation of kids who have a high
potential for a tremendous amount
of unhappiness and not much rela-
tionship success," he says. "The
upside is I see kids who are
willing to do extraordinary
things for others.
Rabbi Fine says kids who
don't meet standards in both
public and private school
often fall into an anonymous
class. Unfortunately, schools
are often not structured to
work with the kids who
don't fit in.
"These kids are angry and
have long histories of anger
and rejection," he says. "They
exist and hang out in a world
where they yearn to be with a
crowd of other loners and
rejected ones," he says.
"They are tough kids to
deal with because they are so
unhappy. Their peer group
and parents don't like them.
They are isolated and they
move from crisis to crisis,
trying to get attention. But
still, in their desperation,
they are ignored," he says.
However, progress can be made,
states Rabbi Fine. It begins when
counselors help these troubled kids
learn to establish relationships, take
risks, make and keep appointments,
and basically how to get involved
with life through a series of positive
experiences. The work, he says, is
long and hard. 17
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Rabbi Yehuda Fine
6. "Know your kids' friends,
the context of their relationships '
what they do and talk about
when together. Make your house
a place where they want to hang
out. if you have trouble talking to
your kids, talk to their friends.
7. "Drugs. All kids know about
drugs. You're not going to know
about drugs unless you talk to
your .' oft it
8. "Dorf e v er be surprised by
what a kid
tins, in particular.
Suicide
So many parents make excuses for
not communicating with their
kids. Shabbos is a very big oppor-
tunity."
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