sands of Jewish couples are exploring
why they got married, how they can
deal with the tensions and anger that
are inevitable and ways to negotiate
compromises.
Project Chuppah, for example,
sponsored by Jewish Family Services in
Baltimore, tries to provide help early,
when the road takes a first rocky turn.
"We are all concerned about mar-
riages that don't make it," says Rhoda
Posner, the program coordinator. "We
want to decrease the incidence of
domestic violence and make more
happy marriages. The sessions, which
began in January, are open to newly
married and engaged couples and are
led by a rabbi and a marriage coun-
selor. They are designed to help cou-
ples get their marriages off on a sound
footing.
Posner says she sees couples caught
between diametrically opposed stereo-
types of marriage: the cynics who say
marriages will never work, and "the
fairy-tale notion that we'll live happily
ever after" without having to work at
it.
"When normal everyday problems
hit," she says, "they feel betrayed and
abandoned, and society gives them
permission to bail out because divorce
is not stigmatized."
Project Chuppah is intended to
give couples a realistic attitude by
encouraging them to talk frankly
about issues they may not have
addressed and by giving them tools to
resolve problems that do come up.
Programs on the other side of the
country take the same approach.
Lisa Sidman, a 37-year-old finance
manager from Morpark, Calif, want-
ed to make sure that when she mar-
ried the second time it was going to
be for good. So she and her fiance
signed up for Making Marriage Work,
a program offered at the University of
Judaism in Los Angeles.
"I wanted to do whatever I could to
think about the things we needed to
think about ahead of time so that we
could lay the groundwork for a good
marriage," she said.
Going through the course reassured
her that, this time, she'd made the
right decision. "In my first marriage,"
she says, "I thought that because I
picked out someone who was Jewish,
everything would be OK. I was naive
and neglected to consider other
important values. This time, I consid-
ered all things: his family background,
morality, education.
"My feelings about love are not tar-
nished. I still think about living hap-
plain that their husbands come home
pily ever after. But the difference is in
too late and they don't get to spend
the way that I made my choice."
enough time together. Typically, the
Sylvia Weishaus, director of
wife says, "Our relationship would
Making Marriage Work, says that
improve if you got home earlier." But
even couples who aren't realistic at
Weishaus says that how couples talk to
first can learn to adjust their expecta-
each other — their choice of words
tions in positive ways. Over nearly
and tone of voice — are almost as
25 years with the program, she has
important as what they say to each
seen couples devote time and energy
other.
to improve their relationships. She
"It may be more productive," she
has watched passive men learn to
says, for the wife to say something
speak out and overbearing women
like, "Our relationship would improve
tone down their style. She witnessed
if we could negotiate more time
couples who were locked in conflict
together. The husband could change
learn the art of compromise.
his hours, change his job or make the
More than 90 percent of the 800
weekends when they can spend time
graduates from the program have had
more special. The point is that they
successful marriages, says Weishaus.
have options to explore."
During the first two weeks of the
10-week sessions,
Communication
"we look at expec-
Is Crucial
tations, what is love
Learning to com-
and why you got
promise and
married. Then we
resolve conflicts
look at who you are
brings the couple
and your family
Judith Wallerstein identifies four
closer together.
background. We
types: of marriages. Couples often
But for marriage
move on to com-
have different types of marriages
to
last, each part-
munications and
depending on what point they
ner
must also
conflict resolution.
are in their lives,
accept the other's
How do you han-
I. Romantic — emotionally
character and
dle conflict? Are
absorbing for the couple, but can
understand dif-
you a fighter or do
leave the children on the side-
ferent communi-
you withdraw? We
lines.
cation styles.
teach them how to
less intense, and
2. Rescue
In good mar-
resolve conflict
allows people who've gone
riages,
people
more effectively,"
through early traumas to have a
know how to talk
says Weishaus.
better relationship than they've
to each other —
Money, she said,
previously encountered.
when to probe
is always a sore
3. Companionate — the norm
for information
point with stu-
for two-career couples; each per-
and when to back
dents.
son has freedom to pursue indi
off.
In one session,
vidual interests. Because of that,
Lisa Friedman,
Weishaus says, a
some couples may grow apart.
a
writer
and
woman complained
4. Traditional — women run
mother of two
that, although she
the home and keep the family on
from Chevy
had a charge
an even keel, while the husband
Chase, Md.,
account, her hus-
handles breadwinning responsibil-
learned
early that
band always went
ities, but partners can find they've
her
husband,
over the bills and
grown in different directions.
Phil, wasn't going
questioned her on
to talk to her for
the purchases. "She
hours on end about his feelings.
had no money of her own," says
"Talking about how he feels about
Weishaus. "She felt this was a control
something is not comfortable to
issue.
him," she says. "I don't insist on it,
"The way they resolved it was that
that's not how he expresses himself.
there would be a certain amount of
So I never say, `How do you feel about
money each person would get that
that?' I ask him specific questions
they didn't have to account for. If
[such as], 'Were you disappointed
whatever they bought was going to be
when this happened?' When he says
over that amount, they'd have to con-
no and doesn't elaborate, I'd say, 'I
sult with each other. They had to set a
thought by the tone of your voice you
dollar amount they could spend with-
were upset.'
out checking with each other. This
"A lot of times I'll start a conversa-
way neither one felt controlled."
tion
by saying, 'You seem really tired
Many women in the class also com-
all the time. Are you not feeling well
or really overwrought?'
"If you ask a person under stress
how they feel, there may be so much
going on that they can't even begin to
focus on something. I pick up on
something he tells me. I can use any
details." Friedman says she makes her
marriage a priority. When life gets too
hectic and family decisions have to be
made, she doesn't try to squeeze in a
conversation with her husband in
between carpools. She makes a date
with him.
"A couple of times we got all
dressed up," she said. "I once wore a
[formal] dress and he wore a tux. We
brought in French food ... Sometimes
we talk about Phil's job or balancing ,
money. We always try to keep our eye
on our goals, and keep other people's
opinions out of it."
Studying Happiness
Plenty has been written about why
marriages fail. But little research has
been done on what makes marriages
work.
Wallerstein, who holds a Ph.D. in
psychology, had been studying the
impact of divorce on children for 25
years when she began looking for
studies on the subject of happy mar-
riages. The shelves were crammed with
publications about failing marriages,
but virtually nothing was written on
what makes marriages work, and she
wondered why.
"It's hard to get information from
people about their marriage," she says.
"Of all human relationships, marriage is
the most complex, the one you can tell
the least about from the outside. It
draws on the strength of childhood,
adolescence and adulthood.
"You have dinner with the same
couple every week for years," she
adds, "and know about their marriage
only what they want to disclose."
People, she said, are always surprised
when a couple divorces and one part-
ner says, "He looked good to the rest
of the world, but that son of a gun, let
me tell you what he is really like."
To learn what makes marriages
work, she interviewed 50 couples from
the San Francisco Bay area who
defined their marriages as "happy."
Some talked about their passionate
feelings for each other, and many said
they experienced that love more
strongly after being with the person
for years.
Others said they felt safe with their
partners and trusted them. All of them
felt that their marriage was their most
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1998
Detroit Jewish News
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