important relationship, and that their
Wallerstein says that marriages
children were among their greatest
work best when couples take time to
achievements.
be with each other, especially while
The couples, says Wallerstein, also
raising children — a time when the
placed a high value on their partner's
marriage often gets placed on the back
moral qualities — a finding that she
burner. The couples she interviewed
said was unexpected, but that
also said they had a pleasurable sex
nonetheless helps explain why many
life, they supported one another and
divorced people say they've lost respect
retained some of the romantic feelings
for their former partner.
from their dating days, even though
"Part of building a good marriage is
their bodies had changed.
creating a fit," she
These couples,
says.
adds Wallerstein,
"To do that, you
had emotionally
have to know each
separated from
other well. All peo-
their parents.
ple in a good mar-
To have a good
riage know each
marriage, she
other's history"
says, each person
"You also have
must be able to
to recognize that
make choices
In The Good Marriage, Judith
everything is open
based on their
Wallerstein spells out nine ek-
to change, that
own moral
meats that form the basis of a
nothing is rigid.
standing — not
Las ting relationship:
He will change,
that of their par-
Piitners must separate erno-
having children
ents. They must
their childh
will change, the job
be able to shift
th at ':`
will change. She is
their "primary
not going to look
love" and loyalty
at 40 the way she
to their partner.
did when she was
Separating
21.
from one's par-
"You also have
ents hurts, she
to create at the core
writes, but is nec-
a sense of together-
essary to protect
ness, a sense that
the marriage.
the marriage is big-
Many marriages
ger than you and
fall apart because
me ... that a mar-
the participants
V0.040. '
expressi ngg an
riage is worth
never grew up.
ferences of opal
fighting for."
What really
The coup
The couples she
helps, Wallerstein
rich sexual rela
interviewed fought
says, is retaining
tam it despit
for their marriages
that first romantic
7. Partners must use humor to
even though most
image of the
keep things in perspective, and
of them grew up in
other, as a knight
have fun.
homes with parents
in shining armor
8. Each person must comfort,
who didn't have
or as the beautiful
support and encourage the other.
good relationships.
princess.
9. Each partner must sustain
Only five out of
One woman in
early romantic images of falling in
the 100 people she
the study said
love with the other.
interviewed grew
that her husband
up in what they felt
was "a noble
to be happy homes.
man," she recalls.
The rest saw fighting, boredom, infi-
"That's beautiful. In some ways he is a
delity and, in some cases, abuse and
prince; in a mundane world he is a
abandonment.
good man. Another man told me, 'My
"This was a major finding," she
wife is a wonderful mother, a compas-
said. "The women, especially, wanted
sionate woman, much more generous
different marriages; they wanted more
than I am."'
opportunities than their mothers had;
"You need fairly tales," she says. ❑
they wanted something else in their
marriages." What this means, she
This article is adapted from an article
adds, is that people can create good
that originally appeared in Jewish
marriages even if they had no good
Women International and is used here
role models.
with permission.
*
Marriage How-To
Work can make an "I do" a
successful "I did, counselor says.
.1)
LYNNE MEREDITH COHN
Scene Editor
M
arriage is for pleasure, not
for comfort, says Aish
HaTorah Rabbi David
Clyman. Don't think life
is going to get more comfortable once
you say, "I do," he cautions.
But it might feel more full.
In a monthly newsletter called "Love,
Dating & Marriage: Strategies and
Solutions for Successful Relationships,"
Clyman dispels common myths about
married life, aiming to help couples
build stronger relationships.
Learning by experience as well as
from a teacher of his own, Clyman con-
cluded that married life is not easier
than being single. He tells people that if
they want a comfortable, easy life, they
should stay single. His teacher
impressed upon him the idea that cou-
ples pay a high price to create and
maintain a happy marriage.
"To get married and stay happily
married, you must know that marriage
will be work," Clyman says. A person
can't sit back, kick off his or her shoes
and expect a good relationship to mate-
rialize, he says. It takes work.
Clyman lives in New York City
62 Detroit Jewish News
\
Rabbi David Clyman studied at
Yeshivat Aish HaTorah in
Jerusalem. He lives with his wife
and children in Manhattan. For
information, call (888) 410-0630.
aqm-i1Z4VIMOVAilitIVW
Hillel of Metro Detroit Coffee
House Night. 9 p.m. Lonestar
Coffee Co., 207 S. Woodward,
Birmingham. (313) 577-3459.
Sunday, Lug, 9
Sunday in the park with TEVA.
12:30-4 p.m. At Marshbank Park
Pavillion, Hiller Road, north of
Commerce Road. Kari Grosinger,
(248) 642-4260, ext. 241.
Wednesday, Aug. 12
B' nai B'rith Leadership Network
installation of officers. 7 p.m. At
Mat Shalom Synagogue, dessert
kWk
7/31
1998
with his wife and children. He lectures
frequently on love, dating and mar-
riage.
Here are some tips from the rabbi on
building successful relationships:
* Love does not conquer all.
Yes, being in love helps in the race to
beat the odds of high divorce rates. But
beware — the foundation of a strong
marriage comes from sharing and pur-
suing mutual life goals.
* Well-being depends on having a
sense of meaning and direction in life.
Share those views with the person you're
considering for marriage. Couples who
begin with shared desires and goals have
a better chance of staying together.
* Don't marry into someone's way of
life.
* Make a date with yourself.
Discover your own interests, values,
C
goals. Then start dating others.
* If it bothers you, it's an issue.
Confront issues before deciding to get
married.
reception. Cost: $17. RSVP by Aug.
5 to Karen Safran, (248) 426-9520,
or Sheri Benkoff; (248) 473-0409.
Sunday, Lug. 16
Slip sliciin' away at Four Bears Water
Park,
of Metro Detroit. 12
p.m. Cost: $5. RSVP by Aug. 10,
(313) 577-3459.
Reggae on the River, fund-raiser for
Fanclub Foundation for the Arts.
4:30 p.m. On the deck of the
Roostertail, 1 mile east of the Belle
Isle Bridge, off Jefferson Ave. Live
music by Trinidad Tripoli Steel
Band. Cost: $35 general admission,
$30 members. (248) 559-1645.