0
O
What Does She
Want From Me?
Trying to read a woman's mind
never works, so I came up
with a handy system.
DAVID KUSHNER
C) Special to The Jewish News
F
or most men, trying to com-
municate with women is like
playing with a Rubik's Cube:
No matter which way we
twist it, it still comes up wrong.
I'm hardly a novice at communica-
tion problems: I've had years of experi-
ence in not understanding the needs
and desires of women. I got dumped
by a cheerleader who said our relation-
ship was "too perfect." A girl in college
told all my friends how funny I was,
then turned me down when I asked her
to go out, saying she liked me, but did-
n't like me.
Is there anything women and men
can do to understand each other better?
Judith Sills, Ph.D., author of Excess
Baggage (Viking 1993), recommends
that you "take more risks in revealing
your feelings and be clearer in express-
ing them." Good advice, but I don't
think a lot of women will follow it.
They'd prefer their men to somehow
"know" what's on their minds without
giving any verbal hint of what they're
thinking. This drives both partners
nuts.
After a few years of such anger and
frustration, my wife Sue and I have
come up with a communication strate-
gy that, silly as it may seem, has saved
us bottles of Tylenol. It comes down to
one magic acronym: VOR — Vent,
Opinion, Reassurance.
VOR was conceived the day Sue
came home from work and started
complaining about a friend of hers who
did her way wrong. When she was
through ranting, I immediately
launched into my rational, strategic ;
Spocklike approach for dealing with
her pal. Halfway into it, Sue cut me
off. She told me I hadn't heard a word
she said. I proceeded to recount every
detail of the story. This apparently
-enraged her. She started screaming at
me, and I began to fiddle with the
remote control.
When things calmed down, Sue told
me the reason she was so upset was that
she didn't want me telling her what to
do. She just wanted me to reassure her.
My turn to get mad. How was I sup-
posed to know that? Just the other day,
she had gotten angry at me because I
didn't say anything about a fight she'd
had with her sister. Well, she said, on
that day she wanted my opinion.
Not long before that, I'd tried to
reassure her about some wonderful
qualities of hers that were apparently in
doubt, but at that time she just wanted
to vent.
Finally I said, "If you tell me what
you want, I'll know what to do. If
you're straight with me and I still don't
give you what you want, then I'm com-
pletely at fault."
Because saying the words vent, opin-
ion, reassurance is a problem (having to
articulate what she wants crushes the
"read her mind" idea), we decided to
try hand signals. They're simple and
economical, (for example, flipping the
bird is easier than explaining what it
means). Nowadays, when she comes
home from a lousy day, she shoots me
the letter of choice. If I see a V, then I
know to shut up and nod my head. If I
see an R (the most complicated signal,
requiring two hands), then I give her
some unconditional support and nur-
turing. And if I'm lucky enough to see
an 0, I get to map out my strategy for
solving the problem she's facing.
Granted, there are times when she
wants a little VR or RO or even maybe
VOR, but at least these signals give us a
starting point. Dorky? Perhaps.
Effective? Definitely.
Of course, there are times that Sue's
feelings are so mixed up, she wouldn't
know which hand signal to mime if she
were Marcel Marceau.
If you should feel a similar uncer-
tainty, that's OK. Men don't always
know what they're feeling either. What
we can't stand more than your indeci-
sion is our own. I think.
So if you're not sure what you need
from us, take a deep breath and signal a
time-out (another two-handed maneu-
ver: both palms flat, forming a letter
T). We like that. It reminds us of
sports. It means the quarterback has to
take a break, sort things out and then
come back to play.
It also means that we can go to the
bathroom or get more Cheez Doodles.
So if VOR gets to be too much to han-
dle, don't forget — it's always cool to
slip a T
Congregation Shir Tikvah Sisterhood.
Call (248) 619-9669.
on Northwestern Highway. Call Harry
Pevos, (248) 357-8850.
Coffee night, Jewish Professional
Singles. At Borders Books & Music in
Birmingham. 7:30 p.m. Call David;
(248) 398-9370.
Friday, Nov. 21
❑
— This article originally appeared in
Mademoiselle.
HAPPENINGS
north of 13 Mile Road. Deep Crimson
at the DIA Theater. Call Dorian,
(248) 646-9196.
Sunday, Nov. 16
Singles Extension Group installation
izza party. 7 p.m. Temple Israel's
Korman Hall. Cost: $12 members,
$15 non-members. Call (248) 661-
5700.
Wednesday, Nov. 19
November
Friday, Nov. 14
Singles table at the Temple Beth Emeth
Shabbat dinner. Call Dion Frischer,
(313) 971-3280.
Saturday, Nov. 15
Dinner and movie night, Jewish
Professional Singles. 6:30 p.m.,
PaLquales Restaurant, Woodward
Shabbas for the Novice, featuring Ron
Wolfson: how to make Shabbat dinner
when you work 50+ hours a week.
7:30 p.m. At the Max M. Fisher
Federation Building in Bloomfield
Hills. Call Jodi Berger, (248) 642-
4260.
Jewish spouses: best of lovers, best of
friends. Rabbi Steven Weil from Young
Israel-Oak Park will speak to the
Thursday, Nov. 20
Young adult lunch with Rabbi Paul M.
Yedwab. At Big Daddy's Parthenon,
West Bloomfield. 12:30-1:30 p.m.
Cost: $12. Call (248) 661-5700.
Murder Mystery on the Michigan Star
Clipper Dinner Train. Temple Israel's
young adult night. 6-10 p.m. Train
departs at 7 p.m. from 840 N. Pontiac
Trail in Walled Lake. Cost: $39. For
information, call (248) 661-5700.
Dinner with Jewish Professional Singles.
7 p.m. At Chianti Italian Restaurant,
Young Adult Shabbat Service with
scholar-in-residence, Rabbi Ira Stone.
8 p.m. At Congregation B'nai Moshe
in West Bloomfield. Call (248) 788-
0600.
Sunday, Nov. 23
Second City with Hillel of Metro
Detroit. Meet in.the lobby of Second
City at 7:30 p.m. Call (313) 577-
3459 or e-mail hillel@cms.cc.
wayne.edu .
Discussion: financial planning, law and
taxes for the single person. Jewish
Professional Singles. At the home of
Joel Dorf, 25560 York St.,
Huntington Woods. Cost: $5. Call
Joel, (248) 398-3987.