0 O What Does She Want From Me? Trying to read a woman's mind never works, so I came up with a handy system. DAVID KUSHNER C) Special to The Jewish News F or most men, trying to com- municate with women is like playing with a Rubik's Cube: No matter which way we twist it, it still comes up wrong. I'm hardly a novice at communica- tion problems: I've had years of experi- ence in not understanding the needs and desires of women. I got dumped by a cheerleader who said our relation- ship was "too perfect." A girl in college told all my friends how funny I was, then turned me down when I asked her to go out, saying she liked me, but did- n't like me. Is there anything women and men can do to understand each other better? Judith Sills, Ph.D., author of Excess Baggage (Viking 1993), recommends that you "take more risks in revealing your feelings and be clearer in express- ing them." Good advice, but I don't think a lot of women will follow it. They'd prefer their men to somehow "know" what's on their minds without giving any verbal hint of what they're thinking. This drives both partners nuts. After a few years of such anger and frustration, my wife Sue and I have come up with a communication strate- gy that, silly as it may seem, has saved us bottles of Tylenol. It comes down to one magic acronym: VOR — Vent, Opinion, Reassurance. VOR was conceived the day Sue came home from work and started complaining about a friend of hers who did her way wrong. When she was through ranting, I immediately launched into my rational, strategic ; Spocklike approach for dealing with her pal. Halfway into it, Sue cut me off. She told me I hadn't heard a word she said. I proceeded to recount every detail of the story. This apparently -enraged her. She started screaming at me, and I began to fiddle with the remote control. When things calmed down, Sue told me the reason she was so upset was that she didn't want me telling her what to do. She just wanted me to reassure her. My turn to get mad. How was I sup- posed to know that? Just the other day, she had gotten angry at me because I didn't say anything about a fight she'd had with her sister. Well, she said, on that day she wanted my opinion. Not long before that, I'd tried to reassure her about some wonderful qualities of hers that were apparently in doubt, but at that time she just wanted to vent. Finally I said, "If you tell me what you want, I'll know what to do. If you're straight with me and I still don't give you what you want, then I'm com- pletely at fault." Because saying the words vent, opin- ion, reassurance is a problem (having to articulate what she wants crushes the "read her mind" idea), we decided to try hand signals. They're simple and economical, (for example, flipping the bird is easier than explaining what it means). Nowadays, when she comes home from a lousy day, she shoots me the letter of choice. If I see a V, then I know to shut up and nod my head. If I see an R (the most complicated signal, requiring two hands), then I give her some unconditional support and nur- turing. And if I'm lucky enough to see an 0, I get to map out my strategy for solving the problem she's facing. Granted, there are times when she wants a little VR or RO or even maybe VOR, but at least these signals give us a starting point. Dorky? Perhaps. Effective? Definitely. Of course, there are times that Sue's feelings are so mixed up, she wouldn't know which hand signal to mime if she were Marcel Marceau. If you should feel a similar uncer- tainty, that's OK. Men don't always know what they're feeling either. What we can't stand more than your indeci- sion is our own. I think. So if you're not sure what you need from us, take a deep breath and signal a time-out (another two-handed maneu- ver: both palms flat, forming a letter T). We like that. It reminds us of sports. It means the quarterback has to take a break, sort things out and then come back to play. It also means that we can go to the bathroom or get more Cheez Doodles. So if VOR gets to be too much to han- dle, don't forget — it's always cool to slip a T Congregation Shir Tikvah Sisterhood. Call (248) 619-9669. on Northwestern Highway. Call Harry Pevos, (248) 357-8850. Coffee night, Jewish Professional Singles. At Borders Books & Music in Birmingham. 7:30 p.m. Call David; (248) 398-9370. Friday, Nov. 21 ❑ — This article originally appeared in Mademoiselle. HAPPENINGS north of 13 Mile Road. Deep Crimson at the DIA Theater. Call Dorian, (248) 646-9196. Sunday, Nov. 16 Singles Extension Group installation izza party. 7 p.m. Temple Israel's Korman Hall. Cost: $12 members, $15 non-members. Call (248) 661- 5700. Wednesday, Nov. 19 November Friday, Nov. 14 Singles table at the Temple Beth Emeth Shabbat dinner. Call Dion Frischer, (313) 971-3280. Saturday, Nov. 15 Dinner and movie night, Jewish Professional Singles. 6:30 p.m., PaLquales Restaurant, Woodward Shabbas for the Novice, featuring Ron Wolfson: how to make Shabbat dinner when you work 50+ hours a week. 7:30 p.m. At the Max M. Fisher Federation Building in Bloomfield Hills. Call Jodi Berger, (248) 642- 4260. Jewish spouses: best of lovers, best of friends. Rabbi Steven Weil from Young Israel-Oak Park will speak to the Thursday, Nov. 20 Young adult lunch with Rabbi Paul M. Yedwab. At Big Daddy's Parthenon, West Bloomfield. 12:30-1:30 p.m. Cost: $12. Call (248) 661-5700. Murder Mystery on the Michigan Star Clipper Dinner Train. Temple Israel's young adult night. 6-10 p.m. Train departs at 7 p.m. from 840 N. Pontiac Trail in Walled Lake. Cost: $39. For information, call (248) 661-5700. Dinner with Jewish Professional Singles. 7 p.m. At Chianti Italian Restaurant, Young Adult Shabbat Service with scholar-in-residence, Rabbi Ira Stone. 8 p.m. At Congregation B'nai Moshe in West Bloomfield. Call (248) 788- 0600. Sunday, Nov. 23 Second City with Hillel of Metro Detroit. Meet in.the lobby of Second City at 7:30 p.m. Call (313) 577- 3459 or e-mail hillel@cms.cc. wayne.edu . Discussion: financial planning, law and taxes for the single person. Jewish Professional Singles. At the home of Joel Dorf, 25560 York St., Huntington Woods. Cost: $5. Call Joel, (248) 398-3987.