What's
Jewish
About Dating?
ELANA HARRIS
Special to The Jewish News
I m convinced that Jewish dating
has a flavor all its own.
Of course, don't forget the
* nnately Jewish characteristics of
dating: neurosis, guilt and the Jewish
mother and grandmother. C'mon,
admit it: there's no Jewish relationship
without them.
Probably the hardest part of dating is
meeting someone you'd actually want to
go out with. And if you want to date
another Jew, that can be even more dif-
ficult.
A person's religious identity, and level
of observance, is not always obvious —
last names can be deceiving, and chais
and Jewish stars can be hidden under
clothing.
Neurosis, guilt
and the Jewish
mother.
That's why some people turn to
Jewish channels to meet people — the
JCC gym, Shabbat davening for singles
or Jewish dating services. People do find
their mates this way, but if not, there's
always the set-up.
"Every time I come home, my mom
or one of her friends tells me about a
nice Jewish girl who I should call," says
Seth Weinberger, 27, of East Lansing.
A tradition of matchmaking has his-
torical roots in Judaism. As Rabbi Joel
Tessler of Congregation Beth Sholom in
Potomac, Md., explains, "There are two
days on the Jewish calendar that are
Jewish Sadie Hawkins Days, days that
Elana Harris is a fire-lance writer in
Washington, D.C.
10/10
1997
68
are dedicated to matchmaking" — Tu
B'Av (15th of Av) and Yom Kippur.
Apparently Yom Kippur afternoon
was used as an opportunity for people
to dress up and meet others, since the
repentance of the Day of Atonement
made people feel pure, revived and
ready to start fresh, Tessler says.
And according to the Mishnah, there
is nojestival more joyous than Tu B'Av
— "The daughters of Israel went out
[and danced] and matches were made."
"There is a constant push in Judaism
to find a mate," explains Tessler. "One
is only complete in a marriage situation
when you have your other half."
So you've found someone to date
— is all the stress gone? Hardly.
Things get crazier after the first
encounter. Questions bombard
both individuals: Does she
like me? Will he call?
Should I call?
"Should I be angry that
he didn't e-mail me back?"
asks Ellen Friedman, 23,
from West Bloomfield,
about a guy she's seeing. "Or,
how many more days must I
wait before I can get really
annoyed?"
Since he didn't e-mail
her back, does that mean
he doesn't like her?
Probably not. Most likely
he was busy at work or has-
n't checked his e-mail. But
when we date, we often develop a
distorted sense of reality. Often, one
person's neurosis turns into someone
else's guilt.
"I dated a girl once who was never
satisfied with anything I did — no
restaurant was good enough, I never
called often enough," says Josh, 24,
from Farmington Hills. "It was frustrat-
ing because there was nothing construc-
tive about her behavior. She only made
me angry and less interested."
But neurosis doesn't disappear once
we've landed a secure relationship.
Holidays, especially, can be an anxiety-
ridden time for couples.
Sometimes dating a Jew isn't enough.
Considering that Jews are at every level
of observance, a couple can feel very
differently about being Jewish — like
Miriam Greenblatt, 23, an undergradu-
ate at the Conservative Jewish
Theological Seminary, and her
boyfriend Dan Weinberg, 23, a leader
of youth programs to Israel. She's
shomer Shabbat, he's not.
"It's really difficult for us, especially
at holidays, because we want to cele-
brate them together," explains Miriam.
"But I know that if I'm with his family,
I'll feel that my ability to observe the
holiday as I'd like is hindered, and he
won't be comfortable with my family
either."
Figuring out where to spend the holi-
days is an issue, especially when both
families expect you to spend the whole
time with them. If you split the days
and go to both, you will inevitably miss
something, and someone's parents will
be hurt.
with grandchildren — and I'm not just
saying that because she recently sent me
a novel entitled Everything But A
Husband." Ouch.
Granted, mothers are just looking
out for their children. But that concern
manifests itself oddly sometimes.
Mothers have definite ideas about
the kind of people their children should
date. If she doesn't like your significant
other, you'll know it. Mothers are
known for expressing their feelings
through comments like, "I don't think
he feels comfortable with our family."
This kind of remark is the worst
because chances are you've said some-
thing of that effect to your mother, and
you know it's a problem.
"I know when my mom's really try-
ing to make her point, because that's
when she starts with the 'your father'
line — like 'your father thinks he's dull'
or something. My father may think
these things, but he's never said any-
thing to me," says Laurie, 23, of
Southfield.
Sometimes, though, Mom loves the
person you date more than you do.
When David Stern, 25, of
Bloomfield Hills, was thinking of bring
ing someone to his sister's wedding, his
mother told him that he could only
bring one person — his
high school girlfriend, ,'
who is still referred to
in his house as "the
one who got away."
Then there's Grandma,
•
Bubbie, Nana — call hei
what you will. She
wants nothing more
than to live long
enough to be at her
grandchildren's weddings '
(hint hint).
"My grandmother tells me to
hurry up — seriously, she
does," says Sheri Benkoff,
31, of Farmington Hills.
"My bubbie loved my ex-
boyfriend. I'd call her, ask how
she's doing and she'd say, 'How is he?'
"IM fine," I'd reply. Mom explained
it as the fact that Bubbie found comfef'
knowing I had someone.
So Jewish dating may get crazy, but
how many of us have truly given up on
it? The Jewish tradition of finding com-
pletion and fulfillment once you find (
your life partner is really beautiful. So
what's a little more neurosis in our lives?
As for our mothers, my bubbie
always used to tell me that my mother
is my best friend. Besides, who will
stick with you through all this but your
mother? ❑
2
Of course, a Jewish mother's influ-
ence on her children's love-lives goes
beyond where they spend Rosh
Hashanah.
Rebecca Waranch, 22, is the first to
say her mother's wise. "My mother's
dating advice has always been on the
ball ... I should take it more often than
I do," she says. "But that doesn't mean
I'm not aware of her fear that I'm never
going to get married and provide her