Singles say
they really don't think
about marriage
on the first,
second
or even third dates.
JULIE EDGAR
Senior Writer
A
dmit it: You're thinking
about the potential for life-
long bliss with the person
sitting across from you on
your first date together.
.
Not true, say a few singles who
range in age from 22 to 50.
Lauren Friedman is at the point in
her life where she's always thinking
about marriage, she says. And on a
first date, she wonders how his last
name would mesh with her first.
"'What would his last name sound
like with my first name?' is the biggest
thing I do, whether or not he's Jewish.
If he's not Jewish, there's a question of
whether or not to get serious. The
name thing is always there," she says.
That's idle musing, though.
Friedman, 25, who just started a
master's program in social work at the
University of Michigan, pays much
more attention to the "red" and "yel-
low" flags waving in her consciousness
when she sits across from a date. If it's
red, there won't be a second date.
If it's yellow, it's possible the color will
change to green at some later point.
As an officer of Professional Jewish
Singles, computer systems engineer
Lee Winer believes most people, sadly,
assess whether their date is marriage
material right off.
"When I go out on a first date, I
think of it as that one time: we're
going to go out and have a good time.
But I think after you go out a couple
of times, that starts to dawn on you,
sure.
. "My personal philosophy, and what •
I advise, is go out and make a friend,
and fall in love with your best friend.
People want to go out and fall in love.
That's wrong. If we're going out and
thinking of a [lifelong] partner, I
think one's vision gets obscured," he
says.
Winer, who is 45 and divorced, is
currently dating his best friend.
Tammy Fitlow, an associate in the
marketing department at the Jewish
Community Center, says marriage
really didn't cross her mind when she
began
dating her cur-
rent boyfriend three
years ago. Nor was marriage a big
question while she was in college.
"You just want to have fun," says
the 22-year-old.
She dated her boyfriend for a year
before she began to contemplate a
future with him.
But the subject surfaced within the
first six months, Fitlow admits.
"It was brought up, but not any-
thing really substantial," she says. .
Ian Burnstein, 27, laughed at the
idea of imagining marriage with some-
one on a first date.
When he met his girlfriend seven
years ago, he says it didn't cross his
mind — "not even close."
"After we started dating seriously, it
took'a while before we got to that
point," he says.
But attorney Joel Dorf, who leads
activities for Professional Jewish
Singles, has seen otherwise.
"Too many Jewish people are too
future-oriented, too serious and mar-
riage-oriented on initial dates. They
should enjoy the person they're with. I
was the same way, so I should know,"
he says. "When I was younger, it was,
`Is she going to be a good wife? etc.'"
Dorf, 50, finds that some people
join Professional Jewish Singles to find
a lifelong partner and while that does
happen, more often friendships blos-
som.
Yet, he acknowledges that perhaps
in the back of his mind he, too, assess-
es a date for marriage potential.
However; "It's not the primary reason
I take someone out," he says. "I go
out for companionship, to have a nice
time."
And even if marriage is not a ques-
tion at all with a particular person, lie
will continue to date her.
"Sometimes you have to live for the
present," Dorf says. "You could be
dead tomorrow. The older you get, the
more you realize this." CI
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